Saturday, February 20, 2010

some why's of women

Why is it ok to compliment a woman on her hair... "wow You have remarkably shiny hair" or "That is a beautiful hair style" or "What a gorgeous dress you have on"? But if you tell her she has a shapely posterior or a magnificent pair of breasts you get your face slapped off your head?
I saw a woman at the grocery story with a stunning figure, tall and very very busty and very proportional.
I was awestruck and very much wanted to say something regarding her appearance, but she wasn't wearing any thing out of the ordinary and didn't have amazing hair or any thing socially acceptable to comment on. So I felt stuck for something to say. I don't think walking up to a stranger and saying "Wow you have magnificent breasts" is going to get you any thing but a harassment charge or some such. Even if you used the no sexually charged 'Breasts' word and not Titts or Boobs. It just cant be done.
Men on the other hand. I cant imagine a guy that wouldn't not be um... "flattered" to have a woman , covertly or overtly walk up to him and say "I couldn't help but notice your colossal Johnson there in your pocket, can I feel it?" No man would say no.
I can only imagine that it has something to do with predator and prey mentality.

happiness function

If you could plot happiness and life or living on a graph I wonder which vector would be heaviest. Happiness or living.
Would you say that you are alive because you are happy? Or would you say that you are happy because you are alive.
The Two are some what different statements. One would seem to say that you are happy that you are not dead. Arguably the better of the two points to be in touch with. The other would be more precarious... you are only alive when you are happy. Being happy takes work if you are not simply happy to be alive. I fear that I am not simply happy to be alive. There doesn't seem to be much point to living and working and "Fighting the Good fight" day in and day out fighting back against the glacial grind of every day living. It seems to me that the happy, fulfilling moments are few and far between and as time goes by they get fewer and further between.
I believe that I used to use sex as a way to medicate this malaise away. For a while now I have been white knuckling it and willing my self to believe that things will get better. Then you have days like yesterday. Nothing so very horrible but amazingly taxing. When you go to turn on a light at the switch and you miss the first time then the second time and the third... which brings you to a full stop to turn and LOOK right at the ,now damned switch which you could swear is dodging your efforts, and even with your full attention focused laser like on the , still damned switch, you some how flip it with such a burst of hate and energy that you manage to flip it so that it flips back off. You can almost hear it doing the "Neener Neener" taunt.
Days like that really take a toll on your/my ability to be happy. I wonder that your self worth isn't dragged into this sort of maelstrom when you cant seem to get any thing done even something as simple as turning on a light. I know days like that and the often referred to unemployment thing really mess with your head.
I did however not medicate in the used to be standard way, No porn... yet.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I am getting more screwed up every day

I used to think about sex all the time and happily so. I beat the typical male average of sex thoughts per minute by at least twice. In my work I was the resident pervert and happily so. Any more I find my self disgusted when I think about sex or sexual things. The very notion of exchanging bodily fluids makes me just sick any more. The thought of part of my body being inside another persons body... it just creeps me out... then my dick get firm and then some how magically it become ok again. I am having a difficult time resolving those disparate thought processes. They come and go in nanoseconds... I am losing it I can feel it seeping out of my soul. My will to live my desire to carry on, its dwindling slowly.
My mom said something very similar. She is the APEX of health. None in her world are healthier. Her Acupuncturist and her Chiropractor her Herbalist, they all tell her the same thing... you will live 30 more years. She is 80 now. She screams "NO, don't say that".
I am getting to feel the same thing but I don't think I have that fate to look forward to. I abused my body rather considerably in my youth.

stuff

First up; I am listening to the Bob and Tom radio show on occasion. The have "hipped" me to theses to funny websites.

Texts from Last night

and

It was over when...

Next; I was trolling my favorite blog and she appears to have set up remote surveillance in my head. She was describing the 'voices' in her head. I was floored when I read on her blog the words of the voices in my head. It was a chilling experience. I could not believe it. The "not good enough", "the failure", "the fraud" it was uncanny. I often wonder how it is that no one else can hear what goes on in my head. The voice, that inner voice, is so loud, so constant so critical. I constantly wonder when some one is going to figure me out and then all the cards will fall and that will be that and I will live out my days under a bridge somewhere.
I think that being unemployed for so long is making this worse.
I am hopeful about two opportunities but I can feel it coming, the We figured you out. We heard the Voices, don't call here again.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

more on unemployment part une

Being unemployed for a LONG time really messes with your head... really. This morning I got up to go to work (temporary though it is) at 4:00 am. I thought to my self maybe I will get hit by a truck on the Foggy highway and then I wont have to mess with this again

new widget thingy

I like the new widget thingy. It was remarkably easy to install and customize. I was surprised. This is where I got it.

http://www.bloggerbuster.com/2008/08/blogumus-flash-animated-label-cloud-for.html

In the nick of case you are interested at all.

wow...

I had not looked at my blog for a long time. I said some time ago that I am naturally a lazy person but this is ridiculous. Until just very recently I have not been screaming busy... (I am now though and might even get paid for it... accent on might). I read a great book watched a LOT of TV. For those who ware commenting and following I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. I didn't even know I had commentary. I would certainly have been writing more had I known that. Commentary makes this more worth doing... more interactive sort of. I got some very nice comments, Thank yo very much for those... and a spam, never seen that before. Gobs of spam in email but never have I seen it on my unknown blog.

I had a fight with a bout of back sliding... I found my self obsessed with a porn video I saw a Long time ago... some time last summer. I made it a quest to find it again and for a time tried to find a way to down load it. After a few days of that I got bored with that and fell back in line with my sobriety. I have determined, as much as any one can determine what constitutes sobriety for them selves, that my sobriety is not having contact with a woman I had the red hots for for a very long time. I denied it to every one and my self. I "claimed" that I wanted to be "just friends". I had a MOUNTAIN of reasons and rationalizations for the "friendship" but in the end it was not good for me. I hate that I ended it the way I did but now that it has been almost a year and a half or more I cant call and explain myself that would be counter productive and well I don't think I would stay sober after that... better this way sort of. As for Porn... I find my self drawn to it on lonely nights but its boring to me now. There is a draw but its boring and its a time sink. I did find the porn video and I book marked a link to it. I look at the link and sort of now it has become a symbol of what I need to NOT do on the internet.

unemployment sucks

I have been out of work for something over a year now. I have been picking up odd jobs here and there for friends now and again but by and large there is just nothing going on work wise. I have nearly two and half decades of experience at my profession and I am thinking that I am going to loose all that to a job in a warehouse or UPS or something like that IF I can even get that!
I talked to a guy while standing out side the Costco waiting for it to open the other day. He has been out of work almost two years. It seems that in another year or so his social security will kick in. He is in school now but he is "seriously" considering just taking the early retirement thing with the social security and "living small'.
I was having panic attacks about winding up homeless which manifest themselves as gagging and retching... most unpleasant.