Sunday, March 13, 2011

prayers answered?

I haven't been very posty lately. I tend to shut down when I shut down. By shut down I mean be depressed and I stop communicating with others and by extension blogging.

My depression has been an extension of a long "bitter" fight with my sweety about our sex life. Towards the end I was going crazy. I had answered a craigslisting sexvert. I didnt follow through thankfully. I sought out the help of several professional Dr. types. I was looking for some relief for the burrning desire for sexual... something release, healing, communication, some, all who knows. I was desperate. I tried to get a shot of Depo Provera. Chemical castration said to dramatically suppress the male sex drive. They use depo in penitentiaries on recidivist sex offenders. Apperently living in a small town with few options that is impossible. Then it happened. I cant say what the "It" is but it happened. I am no longer even remotely interested in sex with my sweety or any woman for that mater. Now I find the idea of sex to be a some what revolting idea. Its been near two months since last I even saw sweety naked and I couldn't be better with it. I love her and love being with her but the idea of sex is just frightening and very off putting. When I think of sex I feel ugly and small. I don't know even what to make of this development. We shall see. On one level it is the answer to a prayer and on the other I feel that I have lost a large portion of who I am. I feel like some one has surgically reached into my brain and excised that portion of my brain. I don't feel like a "Man" any more. But that feeling is welcome compared to the fire in my brain from before.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

have you ever...

Have you ever felt so small , so insignificant so ugly that you very much wanted to die except for that darn pesky self preservation reflex... That you wonder if God him self is beginning to rethink that whole infallibility thing.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


Today I snapped. I issue this phrase a lot… Don't burn down the present in your pursuit to build the future… but today it is done… not to say that it can't be undone but it is done for the person.

What is the rule/ social regulation regarding monogamy?

I love My Sweety and I am committed to my Sweety… I really am. I have so very much overhauled myself to fit hers… and… well the square peg is working its way back loose from the round hole because there is no accommodation at all in the round hole of her life for this square peg. There is simply put no room in her life for me.

What is the rule about a couple that is committed to each other but due to some outside reason they don't have sex? The person for whom sex is impossible, is it their responsibility to see that their partner is afforded something of their needs sexually if not from within the couple then from without?

What is the morality line here? If the person has some paraplegia that prevents them from engaging in sex with their partner; is it reasonable that the person without the condition to have to go without? Is it just horrible for the person without the condition to seek the sexual comforts of another if their primary love is incapacitated? What about the situation where one chooses to be unavailable, such as the case of being in a relationship with a workaholic. Is it reasonable for the workaholic to condemn their partner to a live deprived of sexual outlet?

I understand that "it is not possible to change others… only yourself" or words to that effect. Isn't it incumbent on you if you enter into a relationship with another to make changes in yourself for your partner? I don't mean to say a total over haul or anything unreasonable… I do suppose that does leave the door open to the idea of interpretation of what is reasonable or not.

My brain is so on fire just now I am so enraged and frustrated by this situation. I can scarcely speak/type.

I feel so emasculated, so much like a child, so much like a small annoying pet or piece of furniture.

I really wonder she keeps my balls. Someday soon I will find then and…

Saturday, January 29, 2011

so yeah...

Its been a very long time since I have had any thing that I thought was worth saying/reading.
The happy times are few and far between.
Some months ago I got my head slapped back to reality regarding my porn issues.
I have been better about that. That is primarily why I have been off line. Other reasons are that recently my personal live has ebbed very low in relational happiness. My work life has been no source of inspiration. Every project that I find my self involved in turns out to be an unmitigated disaster. I fear being fired so deeply having been unemployed for so long.

I know this sounds like an "Oh woe is me" bit of detritus and it really is I suppose. I dont have any where else to say these things so 'here' it is.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

holly smokes

Last night I was at my second job and the short of it is that Mr. loop Rope Showed up.

I could not look at him with out thinking about all the things I wrote about in my posts about Loop Rope...

I had a big smile on my face the whole time.

oh and as long as its my sex addled mind here... there is a commercial playing for a Plasma center here locally... Listen up all you meth heads and dope smokers 300 bucks in your pocket by the end of the week. The commercial is spoken by a guy the whole time but when they give out the phone number its a woman with a sexy voice and I swear she is blurring the line between six and sex purposefully

Friday, October 29, 2010


Happy Halloween FFF! Your challenge for this Friday, 10-29-10, is to use the artwork above to write a flash fiction of 150-275 words. Since everyone seems to be enjoying the required phrases, please use this phrase in your submission:

"...cold and dead..."

He sat and pondered the architectural marvel that lay before him. He contemplated the complexity of the endocrine system and the idea of self awareness. How does a living thing transcend living to living with understanding? He admired how artfully her body was crafted. Surely some of God’s finest work. He was High as hell. But that was his normal state of being. He and Freud could have competed for who could snort the most cocaine with out their heart blowing up for days on end. He could in all likelihood snort Freud under the glass top table.

After he finished jacking off he wiped his cock on the cloth covering her face. He fretting momentarily about how he would explain this to his father...yet again. This was the third time this year. He knew there would be some, long winded and rambling lecture about taking care of his property. Then there would be the usual threats of being cut out of the will. And the obligatory “How could you embarrass the family” speak. He shed a tear that his father would likely make him wait a month before he could replace her as some weak attempt at discipline. He didn't understand the big deal. Girls were cheap and easily obtained in Europe. The company just had to acquire one and condition her. What was the big deal? All you needed after that was some heroin to keep her happy, quiet and entertaining.

He would tell his body guard about her body in the morning. There was no need to bother him now. He paused a moment to admired her cold and dead form.

I initially thought that I would use the idea that this was some arab Sheik's son. The room looks sort of ten like and the shroud on her face reminded me of a picture I saw recently of a presumably arab woman who had thrown open her burqa to expose a remarkably beautiful woman while still wearing the full head and face gear.

Any one who has read much of my crap knows my feelings surrounding muslims and arabs So I thought I would spare you the whipping of all that.

Also I didn't think I wanted to do this in as much as my last story was all about death and dieing. I wanted to get away from that lest you all think that i am some morbid closet serial killer/cannibal who kills and eats hookers. sort of gives a new meaning to the phrase going to "eat you out" never mind that. So but instead of arabs I went with the ballisticly rich New Yorker type, With Penthouse suites in all the best buildings all over the city. Who are either above the law or can afford to buy it off. The title is supposed to carry the tonality of "Absolute power corrupts absolutely"

I was thinking about her side of the story but she was kidnapped in Europe soaked in heroine and "trained" top be a sex toy for a living... not much there... just horribleness. And besides last week the women didn't give a rats ass about the guy this weeks the guy was a soulless bastard. It all evens out.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Holly Smokes I got my first Spam comment! From a brothel in England it looks like. What does this mean? Have I made the big time or is this just the Big flashing L on my forehead?