the ex-2

So it's been a very long time since I posted any thing. I wrote volumes but posted nothing.

(((I just posted this and saw my disclaimer there shouting at me about being tough... guess I should have read that as I was writing it.)))

The short of it is that me and my ex had a very hot sex life but I lost sight of that when I found internet porn.

While I was writing about her I did something I had not done before I wrote from the beginning. Previously all my thoughts, ruminations, introspections, considerations, pontifications, rants I worked from the present back. That thought vector front loaded the process with hate, anger, frustration, anxiety, loss... but starting from the beginning somehow did not. This thinking really took me by surprise, ambushed me, sucker punched me. As I began to think back on our lives one "Dear Penthouse Forum'... story after another came to mind. I started writing them initially with the intent to populate this blog with them for a couple months... but as time went on and I got closer to the "bad time" I found that I could no longer write them and was increasingly ashamed of how I destroyed our marriage so willingly, ignorantly, selfishly. The ex, was pretty hot. She could easily have held her own standing next to many porn stars. She was also the prettiest of the wives of all or most of my friends wives and I imagine that our sex life was the hottest. She was tall and lean, blond with blue gray eyes. But I wanted more... always more.
Then Internet porn and online BBS's (the technology people used to communicate before texting and Facebook and MySpace and, and,...) came along and I was hooked on the next picture I could down load and the next "hot-chat" (what it was called before it was called cyber-sex) I could strike up.
I had a great job. She had a great job. We had a lovely daughter. We had great, fun friends. We were living in one of the greatest places on earth, proximate to San Francisco the epicenter of the wild and crazy sex world... and I pissed it all away.
Looking back this is what it must be like to have pissed away a fabulous life/future to coke or any other addiction. I always wondered... didn't they see this coming at them like a fucking freight train? I guess not. I/we escaped the coke addiction but I couldn't/didn't/wouldn't see the sex/porn addiction thing coming at me with all the horns blaring and smoke billowing wheels rumbling. I just kept buying the next best video card and the next fastest modem... 2400, 4800,9600,14400, I was on the bleeding edge here too... I was the first person I know that had an ISDN line in my home. I had one before most internet providers even knew what ISDN was. So for a couple years I was pretty brutally hooked on the cybersex and internet porn. After the ex left I hurt several other lovely women in a similar fashion.
I struggle with the internet porn thing still not to nearly the same degree but when I am angry or frustrated or depressed that is my 'drug' of choice. Now I am able to feel that urge rising and am able to get away from a computer in time, mostly, to avoid it. It really only makes me feel worse about my self and currently I do NOT need any help in that regard I feel plenty shitty all by my self.
For a while I was communicating with a lovely woman here online, she was/is a good friend with honesty and integrity. She pointed out some things that I was still blind to regarding my stuff. I thank her for her honesty.
Recently I have seen many shows on TV regarding internet porn addiction and cybersex addiction and it seems that the medical community is beginning to acknowledge the issue. I hope that some working protocols are developed to help shit heads like me to not be so shitty to their wives and loved ones. I guess that is the cost of being on the bleeding edge of a new sexual frontier. I imagine that when "The Pill" first got here there were plenty of women that got hurt by being on the bleeding edge of being sexually available with out barriers and responsibility of possible children and or abortions.

So in summery... the breakup of my marriage was due to me being a selfish asshole.

I see and read so much about others getting caught in that net of internet porn and it makes me sad and afraid for others. It seems that women are the fastest growing segment of population accessing porn on the internet. This sort of reminds me of the days when women "finally" got their own cigarettes... Yippy for them, now they can die just as horribly from heart disease and cancer as men. Now that is real equality. So now they can be just as addicted to porn as men. I wonder that they aren't as ready for this sort of thing. Men have been wallowing in porn stuff for ever, women not so much... at least I don't think so. But like alcohol some people are able to have just a drink and others can not stop at just a drink.