Getting a Grip: 9/26/10

Friday, October 1, 2010

S.N.L.

5 4 3 _ _ Action... que Voice over...

"Live those Crimson days in a Golden Haze"

CUT! CUT! CUT! What Madison Avenue Fuckwit wrote this crap?!
Who the hell thinks women are this stupid regarding their periods. Golden haze... What the fuck?

Xanax signed a deal with the Kotex people and they’re putting a trans-dermal low dose formula on the Tampons and pads.

They are WHAT?!
It's and anti cramp muscle relaxer combined with a mood enhancer.

No Shit?! Do we have any of those pads on set?

Sure. why?

Get me a couple.

Get the Director a couple of the Xan-pads quick. We are loosing the light.
Can we get back to the shoot, we’ve spent 26 million on this add campaign. Uma Thurman is over there on the railroad tracks with no panties, on do you know how much that costs? And we’ve only got about 10 minutes light left today.

Yea Yea Yea we‘ll get the shot. First I need those pads... (Slaps one on his forehead and one on his neck)

What are you doing

I’m sure as shootin' going to need a muscle relaxer and a mood enhancer to get me through this shoot!

____________________________________________________________________

...and now the rest of the story... ala Paul Harvey

So this is my thinking... the picture looked so/too idealic, so much like a commercial. I figured I would to go with that. Golden haze... not such a great breakfast cereal tag-line but it looked like early morning. I thought about the obvious, "collapsed in a golden haze of post orgasmic bliss", too obvious and too far removed from the picture. I couldn't think of any thing then I saw a commercial on TV about tampons and right after that was a Midol commercial and it was just too crazy. As it turns out the TV got on the Oxygen channel some how. The cats walk on the remotes frequently. So any way the idea of a trans-dermal anti cramp med delivered with the pads was just about as out-there as I could think of next to this device.

Oh and in the nick of case you haven't noticed by now I try to go for the less obvious story to surround the picture with.

I welcome your cards and letters.

Buckle up for safety

Unless you are as tough as General William Tecumseh Sherman, emotional resilient as a Chicago Cubs Fan, have skin as thick as rhinoceros hide, are endowed with a sarcastic wit as sharp as Dennis Miller, and generally as able to take care of yourself as the average nuclear missile submarine commander, you should not opt to read this blog.

If you have read any of this blog and you cannot answer in the affirmative all of the above please have yourself treated, at your nearest hospital, as if you taken a month long field trip to the number 4 reactor at the Chernobyl power facilty then arrange for a qualified surgeon to amputate both of your arms at the elbows and extract your eyes as soon as can possibly be arranged.

This warning is necessary because it seems that this country has become so sickeningly Politically correct that we all have to worry about offending some poor simple, humor impaired turd's sensibilities for fear of being sued by the ACLU or other heavy handed tool of the "oppressed" and "offended".

Everyone seems to think that some time recently there was an eleventh "right" written in to the Bill of rights section of the constitution stipulating something about having the right to go through life without being offended in any way shape or form by anything or anyone no matter how trivial or ridiculous the "offense".

This new pervasive attitude of entitlement has created "Champions of Justice" attorneys who will sue the offending party of the first part into complete financial ruination just to see their name in the press.

I can, with absolute assurance, tell you that you will find something, in what I write here, that will offend and irritate. If you haven't yet, you will soon.

If you choose to ignore this warning you will be reading on at your own peril. You are sure to burst into flames of Righteous Indignation and acrimonious hatred the likes of which are typically reserved for former President G.W.Bush. Reading this blog will certainly have you vomiting up torrents of vitriolic outrage, in Tourette’s like volcanic eruptions, of the most vile, disgusting and hateful thoughts and words and deeds ... certain induce a cerebral aneurysm and/or massive stroke that will leave you bleeding from your eyes and ears, dead, balled up in a fetal position, twitching and spewing all manner of bodily fluids on the floor near your where you read this... or find, in a momentary spasm of lucidity, that you have been committed to an asylum with absolutely no hope of release, where you will spend the rest of your years laced up in a tight fitting straight jacket bobbing your head, violently back and forth, flinging snot and drool all over yourself and the padded walls of your dark windowless cell, muttering obscenities, cursing your mother and the day you were born.

Still reading? Great Now that we have scared off the lightweights, let’s have some fun.

Getting a Grip

Friday, October 1, 2010

S.N.L.

Buckle up for safety

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