Friday, April 9, 2010

wow

occasionally I get really great email

Guilt…

I feel like a little of Jewish man… I harbor so much guilt. I feel like I could power a small city with the energy wasted on it… assuming you could somehow harness that energy.


There is so much guilt around these days.

The ever present for white guys… Privileged White Male Guilt.

Under that is the there is Black and Brown guilt.

The very popular Green guilt.

Under that we have the Recycling guilt. What is recyclable and what is not… It's so darn confusing and too much effort guilt

Electricity guilt. Did I turn off the lights soon enough am I keeping the phone chargers on a power strip and the strip turned off?

Use of oil guilt. I drive a 40 + year old car and it does not get great mileage and is not so very clean burning I am sure… but you will have to kill me to take it from me.

The not driving a Prius guilt.

Green house gas emissions guilt.

The Fur guilt. I don't own one but I like the fur just the same.

Meat guilt. I eat meat Chicken Steak, loves me the Rib Eye, fish.

Employment guilt… not having a real job guilt… not supporting your household like a "man" guilt

Sex guilt. Where do I start with this…

I like the Bigger boobs guilt.

I like looking at naked women guilt

I like the shapely posterior… nice ass (see even have to P.C. that up at first.)

I like the words that surround sex guilt… Pussy, cock, fuck, ass…

I like the kinky sex guilt. This is a very LONG list…

I like the porn guilt

The asking for sex guilt. She is a very busy woman.

The after mess guilt. Read; wetspot guilt

Was it good for you guilt? Do I have to ask… should I ask… crap I asked what a goof…

And the big one… Parental guilt

Was I firm enough guilt?

Was I lenient enough?

Did I get the things that she needed guilt?

Was I there enough for support?

was I detached enough to allow personal growth?

Did I teach good things by example or by counter example?

This list keeps on growing…



The ex…1

The ex… the telling of this is going to be a long and painful and no doubt rambling and winding and often back tracking story of pain and addiction and debauchery on both sides. In the nick of case no one read the fine print at the head of this blog… the part about my being as emotionally stable as a bag of rats in a flaming meth lab… this is where you will come to understand and believe that. Get your barf bags ready. I will break this up over many pieces for readability and to allow me to recall and to write in an unbiased , as much as is possible, way.

This will also give me a way of sorting this out for real in my own head so that I am not beating myself up for imagined stuff and accepting the responsibility for those things that I am guilty of.

Preface; the first. We were high school sweet hearts. She was the school slut and I was the oldest virgin on campus… I am still sure of it. I was messed up about sex even back then. She was Long and lean and easy on the eyes. But she had issues with boys. From her perspective, if she didn't have sex with boys then they wouldn't like her or so she thought. She was smart and a good person. She was, however, abused at some young age by one or more of her mother's boy friends. So she had/s issues. I had issues of Nerdism and suffered from acute Ganglitude compounded by a chronic case of Hormoneitis. (I was 6'3' and way skinny with no self esteem stemming in no small part because I was not the son my father dreamed of having. I didn't want to get up before God and go "Slay the fish," or drink coffee or smoke cigarettes while sitting silently, so as not to scare the afore mentioned illusive and possibly/probably, none-existent, in my thinking because we almost never caught any, because I couldn't sit still enough while freezing or not drinking coffee or, or, or… imaginary fish, in a boat on a lake freezing my ass off when I could be warm and cozy in bed, or watching cartoons or building stuff with my huge cache of Lego's. I could go on but I think that paints the picture well enough for the time being. We were a match made in… where ever they make very volatile, poisonous, toxic, slow acting, neurotoxin time bombs.

It is my sincere belief that she subscribed to the school of thinking that once you had a Boyfriend/fiancĂ©/husband sex stopped. I, on the other hand, was of the school that once "that" door/box, thank you Pandora, is opened you take the hinges off and burn the doors… does the phrase unhinged say anything, I think that paints the picture well enough. I was a late bloomer and I meant to make up for, imagined, lost time… and I have an IMAGINATION!


Thursday, April 8, 2010

The ex…0

I was reading this blog post and this one and the commentary left really brought it in to stark relief that I need to write about my ex and my stuff surround that in order to be true and forthcoming. It will paint me in a very unfavorable light I promise. I promise to not sugar coat my stuff. I am trying to be a better person. I read this post where the writer says they are not striving for perfection but to be a excellent example of a human being… crud I would be happy with even a counter-example of a human being… right now I feel like some… well nothing human I assure you.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

off the cuff...

I wonder... does God need my help?
Some how I don't think so. Does God need me to help police people and peoples thoughts.
The more I read about the bible and the way and times that it was written the more I wonder; Does God need my help.
I am thinking... This is a God that created something, every thing. So far with all our (human) intellect and wizzy science stuff we can neither create nor destroy any thing... not one tiny thing. God, on the other hand, did, in a single stroke, create all that we can see, all that we can not see, just all that there is.
So any way... the point of this post Gay marriage. (the last time I typed this line the power went out soooo I wonder...) any way I don't think that Gay Marriage in and of its self is a Horrible thing. Why should I stand between two people, any two people, if they want to ruin their lives with a piece of paper from the government/state. I used to be very against Gay Marriage and but that thinking was principally a semantic point for me. I have been beat-up about playing semantic games before. I didn't like the idea of Gay Marriage because Marriage, in my mind is/was a religious thing... see the Rant alert post (quite a ways down for the gist of that thinking). But on other issues where religion thinking/ideals pushes against human needs/rights (Abortion) is it my place to stand for God in those places? At one level I think so and another I think not so... hence the question... Does God need my help? This brings up a couple lines from the bible... am I my brother's keeper? I don't recall the precise wording but the idea that if you are only lukewarm then you are not appealing to God and he will spit you out like you might spit out so much ummm... splooge.
I suppose that drags up the whole separation of church and state question and that is WAAAAY more than I bargained for at the beginning of this post.