This will be a page dedicated to the many ways I suck.
It will be revisited on a fairly regular basis to correct spelling, grammar, word choice and to correct the events that I recall better with yet more hind-site.
How I suck. I shall attempt to count the ways.
I will now attempt to classify my suckage into different categories.
This first section will be dedicated to the suckage that I perpetrated upon my girlfriend/fiance/wife/ex-wife.
Dawn/wife (High school). I don’t believe that I was ever “in
love” with her. I married her because I believed it was the “gentlemanly” thing
to do, since we were having quite a bit of sex. And again, I thought it was the
proper and morally obligatory, thing to do. I did several things that I thought
were fun, but they scared Dawn very much. I thought I was the next Mario
Andretti, so I drove fast and recklessly which scared Dawn quite a bit. Later
we got into some kinky stuff. By kinky stuff I mean wife swapping, sex toys
store bought made by me, and some BDSM.
I married her for the sex as an “experiment” so to speak,
since I had NO idea about living on my own was about. I had never lived alone
or with a partner, so things went off the rails pretty frequently. I feel now
that I was abusive to her in a great many subtle ways. Subtle, but abusive ways
and some not so subtle. Mostly verbal. I never stuck her but
I did twist her wrists even though I knew that it was painful to her. I don’t
recall why. As stated above, I suck.
Wow this was clearly a stream of consciousness rant. This will take a while to unravel and categorize. You WILL notice the very Re-current theme of sex based suckage.
During this time, I was making sex-toys, a great variety of
them so much so that I found myself a full decade ahead modern sex toys makers.
Also, during this time, I met Both Andrea and Terria. They were both very smart
and attractive and very active members of the kinky “online clubs”. This was
the time of the 2400 Baud rate modems with all the squeally squeal logging in, logging on I don t recall which was the vernacular at the time
noise. Dawn and I found ourselves caught up in these clubs. Principally because
I lead us into these clubs where I met Andrea and Terria. I was smitten with these two women initially because of their breast size. The fact that they were both brilliant and well educated and every other thing you could want in a woman was an added attraction.
After my divorce from my wife Lynn and I met
Terria and I met Andrea and I met several other wonderful women that I did form good friendships with. Terria was VERY Seriously into “Master Slave” Kink. I tried several
things to ramp up my knowledge on the Master/Slave style of sex with. I went to
see the local Expert in BDSM, she was quite likely the foremost educator in the
entire western part of the Nation. But I was a failure, and Terria went our
separate ways. At this time, I Learned that I am a submissive personality.
Andrea and I started regularly having lunch together.
Also, at this time I met Lynn and eventually I moved in with
her and We got along quite well. For about a year and a half.
After that year and a half, I met Pam and broke of contact
with Lynn. I moved into a shared home situation. If you have watched the Taylor
Tomlinson Special, you might have seen me almost exactly. The part where a man can
just be happy that a woman can make him have real feelings. I was talking to
all the guys in the shop about her. I had to go to the Chiropractor the one day
to straighten my spine from kissing her for nearly 7 hours in the parking lot
after watching a movie.
While I was still in the shared rental situation, I was
still having lunch with Andrea and this did not set well with Pam, not even a little.
But because I am unfeeling reprobate I continued.
After a year or so was about this time I moved in with Pam. This
is the time that I made a break with Lynn because Pam wanted Nothing to do with
kinky stuff at all. I tried for about a year to not be kinky for Pam. She
bought me several books about how kink and pornography were addictive and bad
for the soul. At the end of a year Pam
wanted to move to Texas I believe this was a plan, in Pam’s mind to cut of
communication between Andrea and myself. Ultimately it eventually did work. We
kept in contact by snail mail but that was eventually figured out by Pam. We
lived in Texas for about 7 years. Not much kinky stuff. I continued to make sex-toys.
Pam was very against my making sex-toys. At some point in Texas regarding sex I
asked If Pam thought sex was or could or should be fun, her answer was an
emphatic NO! I was so very shocked and amazingly disappointed that the answer
was such a strong NO. After that our sex life came to a screeching halt. I
suppose that somewhere in my mind I took that a challenge to show her the
possible fun that could be had in a sexual context. I learned that this was a
futile attempt. That did NOTHING for my self-confidence and self-worth. See
below for more self-battering to come.
We then moved to Oregon. Where I failed at virtually everything,
work most notably. I can’t tell you how this how this distressed me. In my
previous jobs I was a Rock Star. It was an attack on everything I was. At some
point during the first year living in Oregon Pam and I had a falling out. I
moved out. Which was precipitated by a statement by Pam that our problems would
not be an issue much longer. All of these things destroyed my faith in myself. I
used to think I could make anything. But consistent layoffs and a finally a
firing took all that away from me and started a death spiral of self of doubt
and thoughts of suicide. Then we moved back in together. During this period Pam’s
friend Judy “had” to move in with us and put even more stress on my self-doubt.
This afforded me NO opportunity to grieve for the one person in my life that I
loved most in my life, my mother. Pam kept me to busy taking care of Judy’s and
then Retta’s needs which made me furious, but I buried those feelings deep down.
Pam and my intimacy was killed because there too many people living in the
house who might hear or barge in, which Judy was famous for. Then at some time
during that period of time Pam moved in yet another friend of hers to the
house, Retta. Which infuriated me infuriated me and drove yet another nail into
the failing relationship. This REALLY did a number on my already shredded self-doubt
and psyche.
All this time Andrea remained a good and helpful friend. Which
ultimately led to the breakdown of Pam and my intimate relationship. I finally
got Pam to go to couple’s/Sex therapy. That failed MISERABLY. The Counselor
asked one question and Pam got up angrily and stormed out. That was in fact the
end of our loving/intimate relationship. At some point during a winter
situation Pam slipped and fell down some stairs. This fall severely injured her
back, I tried to get her to go to a hospital but would not go. I could not
initiate an intimate situation because Pam’s back was messed up by a slip and
fall on the stairs of her apartment during our separation. Pam also developed an
abscessed tooth. At some time later on Pam developed some sort of heart thing
that ultimately led to her death.
Now this the time where I am supposed to list my childhood
traumas that explain my reactions to my poor behavior. I can’t think of any
specific traumas that directly to the traumas that relate to Pam directly and my
other failing relationships.
In fourth grade my father bought and planted a silver eucalyptus
tree in the side yard. We saw an opportunity “for whatever reason” to run
around the tree. Apparently, the tree got damaged during the play. My father rather
forcedly asked me about the damage to the tree. I truly did not about the injury
to the tree. When I continued to “not” know he wrapped his hand around my neck
and lifted me to his eye level and asked one more time about the tree. When
still could not give him the answer he was looking for he put me down and sent
me to my room.
On a less traumatic situation he wanted me to sweep the garage.
He gave a “push” broom. When he came out to check on progress, I was apparently
using the broom incorrectly and was quite disappointed and lectured with great
force on how to use the broom.
On another occasion I was tasked to flatten some cardboard
boxes. Apparently didn’t know the proper way to flatten boxes. I got a significant
lecture about the proper method of flatten boxes. I remember getting MANY
Lectures during this time. My friends and I would discuss what punishment we
received after whatever situation called for a punishment. Was it a spanking a Stern
lecture, a simple Lecture or some sort of grounding?
I recall living in Tennessee (Third Grade) I got a significant
SPANKING for not doing my homework resulting in a poor grade. In fairness I had
been lying to my mother about my grade and homework.
I recall having missed my exit on a school bus and having to
wait for my mother to come pick me up. For what that’s worth.
I did have significant extensive oral surgery on my mouth.
I did fall out of a TREE and REALLY fucked myself self-up.
Four weeks in the hospital.
All the traumas associated with Pam’s passing, Judy, Retta
I have either managed to forget my traumas or I just don’t
have that many. (It looks like I have a GREAT deal of shame surrounding sex)
I was caught masturbating once by my mother. Can’t recall my
age, middle school.
I was caught playing naked with a girl from across the
street, about three or four years old. I was made to feel very ashamed.
This is the time I learned to be manipulative. We, my parents
and I lived in Missouri. We lived in a very large house with many rooms. Most
of the rooms were rented out to college students. One night my parents were
down the street playing Bridge. I was home with college students which was
great, until we were horsing around, and I got my head bonked my head on a
corner of a coffee table and it was the first time that I bled from my head. I
should have just “walked it off” and continued playing. But I made a Big Bawling Fucking deal
out of it, and I actually remember being aware of this at THAT time that I was manipulating the students to get
my parents to come home. I still am aware of this manipulative tricks. I am
ashamed that do things manipulatively to get what I want.
In the fourth grade a male friend from next door initiated
some “sex-play”, where in we would exchange blowjobs. Somehow my mother’s “Spidey
senses were tingling” and she came out to the pool where she found us in middle
of the play… Again, made to feel very ashamed.
The friends in the street court would frequently have sleep
overs. Typically, at or about midnight we would get up from our sleeping bags
and run around naked in the back yard. One of the Court Friends initiated some
anal sex play. Afterwards I was ashamed.
(I can’t recall my age when was living in Alaska. Middle
school age whatever that is)
When I was living in Alaska a Boy Scout friend named James
Bond (no shit that is his name) [Update I have recalled his name to be Garry Bond not James as previously stated.] initiated some anal sex play. He penetrated me
and that hurt very much bad. No lube… I was very ashamed about this.
Also, in Alaska I learned about masturbation. I went crazy
with these new feelings…
Also, in Alaska I initiated some masturbatory sex play with one
of my friends from Boy Scouts. I was very ashamed about this.
At some point in Alaska, I was introduced to picture porn.
Some very pornographic. At least that’s how I remember it. It might have been
very pornographic or simple Playboy pictures. I had never seen a naked woman
before so who knows.
Recently I have become an emotional eater and it’s killing
me. [Update. have over come this issue by being ridiculously poor.]
Paternal suckage. This section will be dedicated to how much I sucked in the eyes of my father.
