Monday, December 14, 2009

Sex rehabing

So I watched the 7th installment of the Sex-rehab. I was impossibly disappointed for two reasons. 1: This was the penultimate episode. And 2: Kari Ann and her 'drama' hijacked the whole darn show. There were 4 epiphany moments where I learned something Duncan Roy, Jennie Ketchum, Amber Smith and Phil Verone had moments that were worth seeing. More of the time, questions and the therapy surrounding those moments could have been GREAT! I was hoping for so much more. By showing more moments like those and editing fairly they could have kept the drama down and the benefit to the viewers up. And the interest level could have been just as high. The editors and the producers really needed to understand what it was they could have been doing with this show. The rehab shows could be so much better and so helpful. I don't think these types of shows need drama to make them worth watching. Those moments with Varone and Roy and Smith were amazingly heartwarming. All the Kari Ann Drama was simply infuriating. These shows could be Reality TV truly worth watching not just more none-reality-reality waste of airtime. I don't know which is better to get a bunch of people blogging and crabbing about the drama or a bunch of people blogging about how great the show was and how helpful it was for them in their lives. Perhaps they didn't want to be giving away Jill's and Dr. Drew's work or something. Why bother with a show like this, why bother going on to expose yourself to the 'world' your sex-addiction if you weren't trying to help someone. I read somewhere that there was a significant pay-check involved. Oh boy… more "Follow the money". I hope for better next time.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

And the answer is…

I guess I have my answer… any sex is too much sex. I really hate being alive today. Being a depressive type any way the thought that I will be vexed by this condition the rest of my life is a bit too much to tolerate just now.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The more you know

I as I said I have been reading up on sexual anorexia. I think I flipped from sex addiction to sex anorexia. It fits a bit better with how I am feeling now. In sex addiction addicts cannot control their sexual activities. Which is how I used to run my life or should I say how my 'life' ran me. The woman I love and who loves me IS open and available to me. I have no excuse for any of this other than I feel trapped by fear of rejection. The feelings that come from rejections are bone crushing. From The List #3: So I imagine rationalize scenarios in my head that allow me to forgo the intimacy with the woman I love to avoid the hurt. I am depriving her of the intimacy she looks to me for also. But in my head I imagine that she doesn't want intimacy with me because I am foul and unlovable. I rationalize that she works hard and comes home late and doesn't want to be accosted by me at the door all horny and humping her leg. Which is how I view my attempts to be intimate with her. Even th0ugh in reality I am probably so timid about it that she likely doesn't even notice my efforts or I am so pent-up that I not so subtle. I feel hurt by her apparent lack of interest in what I am going through. I have been VERY open and verbal about all this with her. I have written her letters many time and she still doesn't seem interested. Maybe I wouldn't either if she had some 'weird' eating disorder or other. I don't know. I like to think I would support her but I don't know.

I have to start trying to take chances.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

…sex rehab-2

So I watched the sex-rehab show today and have lost a great deal of respect for staff. Not so much Selma but for Dr. Drew and the people watching the daily video taken. And they surely are watching this footage. Somehow I think that they should have seen this or something like this coming. ALL of the staff should have been involved in meetings about the progress of the patients. Kari's behavior would surely have been at the top of that list of things to discuss. Selma should have A: received some more coaching or counseling as to how to handle extremely resistant patients. B: been replaced as the "ward nurse" for a period of time or the remainder of the show before this situation escalated to the level of termination. C: been told to walk away and report any and all of Kari Ann's offensive behavior. At the very least the Dr.'s should have been on Kari Ann before they had to fire someone because of her problems. I saw this coming and I am no professional.

This form of acting out must be a coping mechanism that Kari Ann developed long ago when she was being abused. I believe that Kari Ann has employed this mechanism before, and effectively. Kari Ann pushes and pushes and pushes anybody that get's 'in her face', until that person father, boyfriend, teacher, anyone calling her to be responsible or reasonable, just gives up and goes away or retaliates. If they go away go away she doesn't have deal with the person in her face or be responsible. Problem solved. If the person retaliates she can claim to be the sympathetic victim and those around her will lavish her with sympathy, love and attention which she craves. The person in her face is goes away… again, and again, she no longer needs to deal with the person in her face or her responsibilities. And again problem solved. With her looks and the sweet charm she can affect this is a perfect mechanism for her to employ.

I was sort of hoping to get some tools that I could use to work through my addiction from this show. This is not one of them. I am beginning to think that the only thing I will get is irritated. Last week Kari Ann seemed to be on the verge of getting a grip on her pathology. Her Perfect smile cracked… a bit. That progress seems to have evaporated.

Don't get me wrong about her. I feel for her pain, I do. But I don't think she does. But maybe she can't… yet. I hope she can snap into it soon before I have to quit watching.

I think Kari Ann should read the list from my previous post. I imagine she has participated in all or most of the list. I know I have. Speaking of that list I found that on a Polyamory FAQ page while I was investigating sexual dysfunction. I was stunned by how much of the list I had mastered Long ago. And am embarrassed by how much of it I still use. Those tips work, I promise. By employing them myself I managed to destroy my marriage, cripple my life and definitely impact my daughter's life in a very negative way. If this were a computer game I would have the HIGH score. I thought I invented some of that stuff. Particularly 2, 3, 4, 7 and 8. I am personally employing strategy 7 just now. I can see it happening. I know it's counterproductive in the extreme. It feels like I am trapped, riding along inside some another body. I don't want to be doing this but I can't find the over ride button or the eject handle.

I have been reading about sexual anorexia. Holly smokes maybe this fits me better. I am beginning to sound like a hypochondriac. But the fear of rejection and criticism line nails me. It is excruciating.

Is there a sexual bulimia?



Saturday, December 5, 2009

...rules of engagment

OOPPS!!!
I thought there was a forward here about where I found this "manual". did not write this list. I am however a Master of most, I thought I invented many and the rest seemed just so obvious.


How to f*** up

1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie
about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be
caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock.
Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while
before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of
betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double
points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up
points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy
rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it
combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at
oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3
and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behavior has also been found
very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When
combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has
been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on
whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be
their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like
communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly
if one is using strategy 2.

4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than
strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "codependency".
The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s)
involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This
allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify
anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets
no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the
other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and
content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if
one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to
avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with
strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a
short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts!
It's a dog eat dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental
bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and
not nearly as easily prosecutable.

6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual
insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a
four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by
manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up
tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too,
though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.

7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're
talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes
-- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close
relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding
intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to
confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute
the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations.
Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want."
Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2.
According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or
words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with
what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some
exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of
being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales
techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this
category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they
truly *value* the other person.

8. Don't talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if
practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your
f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it
entirely. If you *must* talk, use clichés and quotations from popular
songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.
If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and
then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do
not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or
negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is
wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add
strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been
satisfying you like they were supposed to.

9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your
partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have
whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum
fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the
figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and
wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do
them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been
shamming happiness all these years.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

This week…

This has been a tough week.

My sweety is gone for the week. One of my addiction triggers has something to do with abandonment. I have a very difficult time alone. I tend to 'act out' in my addiction when I am stressed this way. I started out the beginning of the week pretty much ok. By midweek I was trolling a blog that could be considered porn. Not porn strictly speaking; just a blog that I know to be sexy and thinking. Thinking about sex but thinking none the less.

Today I am not trolling those blogs very much, mostly writing and working around the house and trying to stay warm. Man there is a lot of work to get done around here. But it so cold outside that I find it very difficult to be out there very long. I think I have nearly frost bitten my fingers and toes riding my motorcycle in the cold and now they seem overly sensitive to cold, that or I am just a wimp.

I was looking up the sex rehab show and found that some of the rehabbers have blogs. Two of them are very well done and relative to their new lives, the others surprisingly not. I read some of their posts regarding their experience on the rehab show. The two good blogs are definitely worth reading.




…limitations

I don't troll "porn sites" any more… or do I?

I find this blog very interesting. Years ago it was a day to day accounting of the blgger's coffee-dates and 'parties', blow by blow literally. I stopped reading it some years ago, not because of that necessarily, but I drop in now and again. This blog has evolved remarkably over time. I refer to that evolution by saying it has matured… like a wine. Much of the "harshness" has mellowed. What used to be a running diary of butt sex, masturbation, orgies and, and, and evolved to include the stuff of a real life; tragedy and triumph, pain and happiness. I think it is a healthy mix. Some might argue about the magnitude of the sex practices that engaged in. But it is as likely to include sweet scenes about the blogger's kids at the park as it is a fairly comprehensive how to on fisting. The way this person talks about fisting makes me really want to try it. Not so much for the apparent orgasmic potential but the intimacy and closeness it is reported to create. It could be seen as 'more' than porn in as much as it has thoughtful content and is not gross raw sex without context. It is also visited by thinking people with good considered opinions and actual vocabularies. So I sort of think that it's not porn, more like sexy news and comment. I suppose it could be seen as 'less' as well since there isn't the gross (One man's gross is another 'entertainment' I suppose but…) eyeball infecting fuck parade of super colossal prosthetic cocks being run into 'Barely Legal Tight Teens'. Wow that stuff nauseates me. Nor does this blogger post naked pictures of them selves. So this blog is sort of like real life. Some days this blogger is a parent and some days this blogger is a slut. This was not supposed to be a blog review.

What I am wondering is this; Is this blog and others like it porn?

And but so is my situation like that of an alcoholic? Is sex, any sex, to much sex? If I read this blog am I likely to wake up three days later in a dumpster after having been beet up by a bunch of hookers with blisters on my dick, no money no wallet, no clothes, no self respect, all my credit cards maxed out to porn sites and online Love Missile Bone-on pha^rmaciuticals?

Can I handle this as long as I understand my limitations?

More importantly is it something that is tolerable to my sweety.

Or is this another thing that I need to let go of on my quest for total sobriety?

Today

Today the sun came out for the first time in weeks. But it came out in a strange way and caused an interesting thing to happen. The fog didn't burn off from the top like usual. It moved back horizontally I guess you might say, south to north. My back yard was totally shrouded in fog but the front of the house was clear. It was a creepy science fiction horror movie kind of feeling. It sort of reminded me of a time when I lived in Hawaii. On one side of the street it was pouring rain, torrential rain heavy, and the other side of the street was dry. I could walk into and out of the rain like stepping into and out of a shower. So any way this fog push back caused a very localized hail "storm". There is a tall redwood tree in the side yard. Redwood tree bows are designed so as to 'scrub' fog moisture out of the air and drop it to the ground to water the tree. This scrubbing and the fact that I haven't seen the sun for about two weeks due to the fog and the 28 degree temperatures apparently created lots of tiny icicles in the bows. When the fog cleared back and exposed the tree to the sun, the sun warmed the icicles causing them to fall creating a tiny localized hail storm. Very cool, confusing at first, but very cool.

…lines

Where is the line between a good healthy enthusiastic sex life and an addicted one? What does that line look like? Surely a healthy sex life shouldn't be boring "man on top get it over with quick".

If I direct my enthusiasm for sex at just my sweety can't that be a healthy sex life?

How do I define my sobriety? Is it not looking at porn on the internet, not lusting after other women, not masturbating, not fantasizing, not sex toys? All of that, some of that? Something I don't even know about that I do that I shouldn't be doing?

Internet porn is boring… a quick fix. It's a hit that lasts about 30 seconds. And recently I find it more and more repugnant. It makes me angry. Sort of like I hate that I have that ring in my nose and can be jerked around by it. But isn't that sort of part of the male condition of living… naked women… got to look. I hate that. I would like to think that I have more control than that, that I am more 'evolved'. Perhaps not. Perhaps in time.

So...

Lusting after other women… I have never really done that except one woman, and I am well past that. A year sober on that. More on that to be sure lots of feelings there but I am over it. None of the residual feelings are lustful or regretful except that I wish I hadn't gone there and caused so much hurt to all involved.

Masturbating… I am sober on that for over a year. And well over it also. Embarrassingly enough I can't seem to anymore anyway. And it always left me feeling even more empty than before the "craves" lead me there.

Fantasizing… I don't do much of that any more but when I do it's just my sweety. And it's just a few things… but I fear that if I indulge that fantasy muscle then the fantasy world would explode and be back to where it was before out of control. So I purposefully self sensor that except a few remaining points.

Sex toys… I threw away, easily, $2000.00 worth of toys both purchased and made by me over a year ago. I will say that I still love the idea of sex toys though.

…why

I have been trying to understand the 'whys' of my compulsions/obsessions, which is being a slow process. I was watching Joyce Meyers' show yesterday and they were talking about some very similar topics. The result was sort of a redirect of one's energies. Don't get stuck on understanding why but ask what. What am I going to do about this problem? You might never understand the why's and if you are mired in the discovery of the why's of it you might never be able to move on.

That bit of 'advice' stuck with me. I was beginning to feel that I was compulsively thinking about my obsessions, which felt like a degenerative toriodal spinout, ultimately going nowhere fast.

I will try to embrace 'what' for a while.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

…still more on breasts

Why are breasts nearly universally appreciated as beautiful? I wonder that it might be some societal thing about "western culture". I wonder that in aboriginal and tribal areas of the world that breasts are not 'worshiped' as much as in America. Some things appear to be universally perceived. Spiders and sharks are almost universally perceived as frightening.

Americans or western cultures seem to be obsessed with larger breasts. Tribal cultures don't appear to be.

On national Geographic Specials of South American Amazonian tribal peoples the women go about without covering their breasts. The men in the tribes don't seem to be very excited about it.

Why do men crave the breasts? Why would an adult man desire to suck a woman's breasts / nipples? That would seem like something an infant would do.

I wonder that I am so curious about this in an attempt to understand the attraction if I could understand it I could be less obsessed by them.

Monday, November 30, 2009

…forgiveness

I wrote something in the last post about forgiveness. Then shortly after I flipped on the TV Shatter's Raw Nerve was on and the topic of discussion was forgiveness… more specifically self forgiveness. The person being interviewed said that if or when they were able to forgive themselves then forgiving others would be a piece of cake.

Perhaps someday…

…rough day

I had a rough day.

To start with my sweety is gone for the week. She is attending her daughter with her first baby… a girl.

My daughter is graduating boot-camp soon and I am dis-invited because… well that is a huge long ugly story. The plot points of which I have tried and tried to forgive but I am seemingly unable to. Each time this issue is brought up I find myself talking to myself in a fit of rage that inevitably leads to a feeling of self loathing and disgust that has me sliding down the razor's edge to a depressive state that persists for days and sometimes weeks. I feel this particular time may be worse because I am alone with my thoughts and the internet. I tend to act out in my addiction during times like these. With my sweety gone for the week there are no brakes on my behavior except my own strength of will… and look where that has gotten me in the past. To a certain extent this is no exception. I trolled to one of my favorite blog sites to see what I have been missing there in the last months. But I go to this blog because it, in all honesty, actually has "thought provoking articles". Not just the usual debached story one after another. It used to be this way at this blog but this blogger has 'matured' and writes about more real and ethereal things… mostly. But I digress.

I am fixated on breasts recently. And this week's circumstance is not helping one tiny bit. I can't seem to get them out of my mind for long. I watch TV to try to distract myself from them but well you know … there they are on TV. But by and large Myth Busters doesn't do too many sex related myths.

More white knuckle living… oh the joy

Sunday, November 29, 2009

The land that time forgot

I live in the land that time forgot. Most fall morning are thick with fog but when as it begins to burn off there are places of clarity it here and there giving it that mist shrouded prehistoric look. The back drop is a mountain that rises very steeply. The top is ringed with an escarpment of vertically pushed up cliff faces, very dramatic. It has the appearance of being very tall; disappearing into the clouds added to that the Great Blue herons flying around that look remarkably like the pterodactyls slow moving and gliding.

Monday, November 23, 2009

…more on breasts.

Why are men so obsessed with them? As I said before they are just fat pads surrounding modified sweat glands.

But why do men want to hold them, squeeze them, play motorboat in them… ? I don't know but I am guessing that women don't necessarily find all or any of that stuff pleasant.

Ron white made the observation that men just can't see enough of them. If guy was to be asked if he want to see a woman's breasts no matter the breasts even an "old biker chick" "You wanna see me neked?"... "Yea I do" "Alright that's enough… roll'em back up" Most men would agree with this… "If you have seen one woman neked… you… wanna see the rest of 'em"


UPDATE


I was trolling blogs the other day and found an answer to this question. It makes some sense I suppose. I preferred it to be an unanswered question but here is where I found the answer.

breasts

What is so special about breasts? Anatomically speaking they are simply modified sweat glands padded with fat. Why then are they so… um compelling and distracting. Why is bigger better? In general cleavage does not exist in nature. How did cleavage become so popular?

I witnessed an interesting scene the other day. I was doing a favor for my fiancé' in a place where you might expect to find pretty women. These particular women were preparing for an open house. One of the women was standing in front of a mirror adjusting her breasts in her little black dress. She was lifting them and pressing together and fluffing the collar of the dress to lie nicely on and to expose her cleavage. Why would she do this? Who is she putting on this show for? She is certain to draw attention, but what sort of attention is she hoping to draw? Why is it that so many women will go to great lengths to preen, primp and put on this display? Why do women get angry when men are drawn to her efforts and 'comment' on or react to her prominently displayed physical attributes? "Eyes… up here buddy." Or "Talk to me not my tits" Surely women know men are very drawn to breasts and exposed cleavage. Why would they purposely display their breasts this way? Victoria's Secret and Fredric's of Hollywood make who know how many millions of dollars to help in this effort. Water bras, Pushup bras, padded bras, demi-cup… all designed to give a fuller sexier appearance.

To me make up is just a step behind deep cleavage confusion department. Lipstick especially red lipstick is an attempt to emulate a sexually available display of animals in heat. Mascara is intended to create more action around the eyes to draw attention to them. You recall the Jurassic Park line where the Dr. Alan Grant says "Don't move… the Tyrannosaurus won't see you if you don't move". This is true for men as well they are attracted to things that move. This explains the fascination for The Giggle factor on TV. The colorizing of the skin around the eyes with highlights and shadows creates more contrast between the face and eyes adding depth and implied motion for the eyes. Also the higher contrast of the darker lashes and the white of the eye give a more youthful and healthy appearance. The longer lashes cause the facial dimensions to be more childlike; Larger eyes smaller face. Like Kittens and puppies; that youthful innocent look.

I can see all of this if you are on the hunt… if you are looking for a mate, looking to get laid.

Don't get me wrong I am all for being attractive and pretty or handsome… but overt sexuality?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sexy thoughts

I don't want this to start sounding like I am anti sex… I am not.


So I am thinking about the sex addiction thing and how it is becoming a more serious problem. People are losing their jobs their health and their lives over this. I suppose in that regard it's like any other addiction really. But it seems, and I have to agree, that sex addiction is a somewhat more intimate thing to discuss. Celebrities pop into and out of re-habs like fashionable restaurants anymore. And having been to drug or alcohol rehab is sort of a badge of honor. Sex addiction usually has the addict remarkably more ashamed than drug or alcohol addiction. In general most people with offer you a drink at a party at a bar and depending on the company you keep a line or a pill chaser. But in most cases they don't offer you the use of their wives or sisters for the evening.

So, but I was thinking about how there is this huge duality in America regarding sex. America's culture has historically been steeped in Puritanical belief structures. The "Proper" people would appear to be righteous and sexless. I can't even begin to innumerate the Senators and Congressmen and Spiritual leaders that have been destroyed because of sex scandals. So somehow sex is not good for power or authority or politics. But it would seem that somehow power and authority and politics is good for sex. Goofy looking guys in positions of power are getting it regularly, freely and I might add with women Way out of their league because of their position of power and authority. So, on the face of it, in America we are supposed to be moral and good which equates to chaste and pure. No politician is ever going to be elected with a known history of going to strip bars, watching porn or consorting with prostitutes. Heavens to Murgatroid that would be unseemly in the extreme. We cannot have our leaders having sex. That would be the same thing as thinking our parents were having sex. It seems that a sex life somehow infers that you are of low moral character and we certainly don't want that. There is the Stud vs. Gentleman, the Virtuous "Good" girl vs. Slut high school stuff. Much of that high school stuff is changing though anymore and speaking as a parent I am OH SO glad I got out of that alive.


So there is that. We as a nation are all the worst kind of twisted up about our sexuality. Only "freaks" are free to have a great sex life. But somehow Pornography as an industry is BOOMING! Somebody out there must be "getting' it". But only "freaks" are free to admit it. But Madison Ave is moving to change that. Madison Avenue has us in the palms of their hairy little hands. They sell us sex all day every day, especially in recent years. Pharmaceuticals have heralded the new wave of sexual revolutions several times. First was "The Pill". Sex without (much) worry, then came the "little blue Pill"s Viagra and Cialis. Sex on demand all night long but watch out for the dreaded four hour long erection. And now there's… Smilin' Bob and his Enzite, swinging the Long wood and the Extenze NASCAR and Indycar Racing team, and all those other sex enhancement products you see at the 7-11 counter. I suppose it only fair that "that certain part of the male anatomy" should fall prey to the same enhance-it fetish as breasts, bigger is better; If not surgically then chemically or mechanically. And more recently KY Jelly is getting into the game with their KY Intense 'personal lubricant'… supposed to enhance her pleasure. Make no mistake… I am ALL for her pleasure. Trojan is now marketing a little tiny finger tip vibrator sex toy now; oh no wait, it's a 'personal massager'. A couple years ago "Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall/Samantha Jones and Opra popularized the Jack Rabbit Vibrator. That had to be one of the most amazing sex toy marketing strategies EVER in the history of EVER. I wonder who the marketing genius was who masterminded that. He probably bought a country and moved there. There is a TV show on cable, late nights of course, "Shop Erotic". Hours of Home Shopping network style sex-toy sales. Two women extolling the benefits and the joys of the toys they are representing that night. Those are just some of the obvious/blatant sex things being thrust at us today. Sex is used in nearly every successful major advertising campaign. It doesn't matter what is being sold. Oh wait Political correctness has had its way with the "Snap On Calendar" No more sexy bikini models holding torque wrenches or impact drivers, but beer, cars and game shows sit-coms… sex is everywhere. Our favorite TV comedies ooze sex. The plots have the principals trying to get laid, desperately or regularly depending on the show and the character. Those who are getting laid make fun of those who are not. Nobody doesn't want to be getting laid. You are branded a looser if you are not getting laid. And those who are not be getting laid by choice claim a higher moral character and standard of principal. And I have two words for you INTERNET PORN. At no time in history has sex/porn been so free and easy to get in the comfort of your own home… own home… crap??? your own lap… top that is. And the ultimate in convenience… your front pocket in your cell phone. Where ever you go there it is. You can be in the middle of the central valley of California miles from any visible signs of civilization and you can get porn. Trust me I know. The sex addict is very far from a fix.


Update. I couldn't sleep the other night. I went to stop my brain by watching some TV. The first two bits of programming I saw were the Extenze race team and the KY Intense woman gushing geyser commercials… Just saying

Friday, November 20, 2009

Sex Rehab

So recently I was watching a recorded Mythbusters. After the Mythbusters was over there was a bit of the next show recorded. It was a show about Pompeii. We have all heard about Pompeii and Vesuvius and how the town was buried in an instant preserving a snap shot of the life and times of an ancient Roman city. A horribly terrifying snapshot but a snapshot none the less. I say that because the people are all couched and hiding from the Dragons and Tigers oh my… (Crouching tiger hidden dragon reference) No no no never mind that… the pyroclastic flow that buried the city. They none of them looked any sort of happy about it except possibly those who were at that very moment about to commit suicide. So any way I have seen and heard the story about Pompeii a million times and had no interest in the million and first time. But just as the recording was about to end there came a bit of extreme interest… Did you know that Pompeii was a seething hot bed of lust, sex and debauchery? I did not know this. It seems that in order to get funding for the excavation of the city they had to keep this aspect of the citizen's lives and times off the record so as not to offend the… somebodys who I don't know but seem easily offended by such things. So… but I saw this little leading bit and wanted to see more. So while I was looking up shows using keywords "sex" and "Pompeii" I came across the "Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski" show on VH1. I came across a lot of other interesting titles too but. It's a series. And apparently Dr. Drew has done several "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski shows"; Drugs, Alcohol and the like. The 'celebrity's' are not so very celebrated though. A more apt descriptor would be celebrityesque. But their problems look and sound real. I identified with much of what they are going through. It seems that this is the first time a Sex Rehab show has been done. I naturally thought maybe I better watch this; in the nick of case there are nuggets of good usable information that could help me with my issues. I know that sounds like the old line… "I am just buying 'it' for the articles dear", but I am seriously interested and not for the titillation factor. Though, I have to say for a show about sex addiction I think the choices of editing and advertising are a bit lacking in sound judgment. There was a KY Intense commercial and some of the inmates/patients dress VERY provocatively. I imagine this to be out of habit more than anything else and perhaps that is their only wardrobe. There was a "chapter" about the women's makeup and the "mask" they put on, so perhaps the clothing thing will be addressed also. But I have to say that full breasted women wondering the hallways without braziers and wearing only a thin fabric muumuu in what must be a refrigerated treatment facility is counterproductive to those who watch for the "right" reasons. There have been a couple comments from the male inmates about this sort of attire. But I don't think they are going to scream foul too loud of too long. Perhaps as the show goes on the women will come to see the effect they are having and become more modest about such things and change to more appropriate attire for such a co-ed treatment. Perhaps the Dr.'s will sort that kind of thing out. And if the guys truly have any integrity about getting better they will say something. I will watch for that to determine if this is for real "reality" or scripted "reality".

There was a show on daytime TV some years ago called "Starting Over". I found that show interesting and somewhat helpful. Principally for bringing up things to think about in ways I had not before. It also gave Us, my Lovely fiancé' and I, things to talk about regarding who we are as people and who we are in our relationship. This Dr. Drew show seems to follow that model. And I am hopeful that I will learn something and that my lovely fiancé' will learn and understand more about my issue as well. That last thing is something I am very much hope for.

I have to say the line below is the way I was going to open this post… which in my estimation sort of hides the true nature of how I came to be watching this show which I think would be a lie and a deception on my part about this issue for me. I think that hiding even little details that preserve an appearance of non-addictedness on my part is counterproductive in my effort to understand and deal with and ultimately control this in me.

So recently I am trolling the TV for stuff to watch and as I am surfing up the dial I stumble across the Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski. Oh my, says I, what sort of crap is this going to be…

Sunday, October 4, 2009

… so to explain

My last post was some what goofy and out of left field. Not that it was in any way not an accurate depiction of my day or my feelings as a whole lately. What I have sloooowly been getting to in my head is that I am a sex addict. I have seen a show on the Discovery Channel titled Hypersexual Behavior several times. It is the story/documentary of three "officially / medically" diagnosed Sex addicts and some people who are flirting with the notion of what that is and maybe they aught to take notice of their behavior a little more closely. I have seen the show before several time because well seeing the title what was I supposed to do… Hello sex addict! The first time I saw it I thought that is not me… I have not gone out and paid prostitutes, picked up runaway girls or any other extreme behaviors that were being shown… BUT I did spend an inordinate amount of time online 'trolling' for sex chats and porn sites. I am the master of rationalization and so I rationalized that away as that I was a guy and guys are into sex. Not letting the idea that no other guy that I knew was doing any of the things that I was. At that time I was the "Shop Pervert". By that I mean that in the group of guys I know I was the Way Out there and admitted and proud of it pervert of the group. I was participating in a Wide range of "interesting" activities… Dungeon Play parties, Swinging, poly-amorous relationships, BDSM play, Slave auctions, making sex toys Lots of toys and the list goes on and on. All that to say this; this time I watched it and heard very different things than I had in the past. In the past I heard that 'the guy' I most identified with had met a woman that had understood about his addiction and some how was ok with it. I determined that I needed the woman in my life to understand my addiction and be ok with it. That would let me totally off the hook as it were to pursue my addiction as I pleased and her to be ok with it. That didn't work no mater how hard I tried to force the situation.

I have always said that I think sex addiction is situational I still believe that… If two sex addicts find each other and fall in love and live together the sex addiction is not likely to be a huge issue… just my thinking.

But so I didn't fall in love with a sex addict… probably fortunately for me. I saw this time in the show 'my guy' say that the sex addiction was the hardest addiction he had ever had to deal with. He had quit smoking a variety of drugs including cocaine and heroin both renown for their difficulty to quit. Having had a cocaine habit of my own and quit that I can agree completely that sex addiction is a MUCH harder thing indeed to quit. Elsewhere in the show there was some discussion about some of the theories of how some one becomes predisposed to sex addiction aside from the fact that the American society is Soaked with sex at ever turn there was some discussion about the idea that children that don't receive sufficient (who is to define sufficient though) loving and touching in their child hood and live in an environment where they feel safe there is a high likely hood that they could become addicted to sex. I feel that is my story. I am not going on Opra and blaming my Mom and Dad for any of this, I am responsible for what I do.

Since that last posting I seem to have gotten over the worst of my addiction. Sort of like the heroin addict that "sweats it out" for weeks then one morning the pain is gone. Or at least that is how it shows on TV.

I will say this about my two run ins with addictions I firmly believe that I alone was not able to do this. I had help. God spoke to me the day I quit cocaine and God sent me a wonderful woman that was his instrument in helping me overcome my sex addiction. My addiction to cocaine is long gone but I suspect that I will not soon have a proper relationship with sex for a long time… but I have hope now.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

happiness

God, I want to be happy. Help me be happy. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I be normal?

Today is a bad day... why? I am not happy and I am not normal and I hate my self!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Random stuff

New feature… good day / bad day… why

My Mom called yesterday to comment on the heat wave we are experiencing. I said in stark contrast to the usual weather you have. She lives in the desert south west. They not infrequently see temps out to 117. We batted the heat thing back and forth and at some point she issues this line, "I feel so blessed when it's only 100 degrees". Only 100 degrees! Poop!

I try not to complain about the weather. I ride a motorcycle, and… well part of the deal you sign up for when riding is the weather can't stop you. (I have been told that its just my attitude; trying to be a Macho Biker Dude Rider Tough guy.)Having said that, I have found that since I do own a car my lower end limit on temperature for riding is about 26 degrees F. 28 is totally ok but when it squeezes down to 26… there is something magic about that number that causes pain. Maybe it's psychological, I don't know. I do know this though about riding in the cold; if there is any humidity in the air it will collect on your face shield and your jacket in the form of ice. It is no fun trying to scrape ice of your face shield while riding, but it is a thrill to get to work and have to shake the ice off your jacket before you can unzip it.

I saw a commercial last night about Crest White strips. The thrust of this commercial was that the strips stayed on better than before which allowed you more freedom to go about your daily activities with out worrying about the strippy thing coming off your teeth. They gave examples "so you can whistle along with the radio, take a shower, and even drink water while you whiten!" (pasted from their website). In the commercial they show women using the product. In my porn addled mind I thought when they put shots of their model blowing a guy or going down on another woman then I will know they work well.

Last night as I was trying to leave from work I got stuck. I had my motorcycle up on the center-stand because I had put some hydraulic fluid in the clutch master-cylinder. The floor here is a highly polished concrete. When I went to push the bike back off the center-stand the bike just slid across the floor a bit instead of rocking over center and onto the tires. I thought well I will just rock it harder… then harder… then harder still. Nothing. I just inched it along. I tried standing on the centerstand foot bar, nothing. I tried lifting it back over but I was surrounded by stuff and I wasn't sure I could keep it stable and upright when or if it came down. This little conundrum lasted about 5 minutes while I pushed and pulled and lifted and swore and pondered. The it came to me that if I could get the stand to cross one of the expansion joints in the concrete it might hang there sufficiently to keep it from sliding and allow the bike to rock back over center and back on to the tires. That took a while to organize but it worked. Don't ask how long it took to get the master-cylinder cap off. Crumby 3 minute exercise now took nearly 40 minutes. Man what a Goat Rope.

Déjà Not Vu

I am sure you have all experienced this and so have I to one degree or another but last week I was really knocked for a loop. I woke up believing in that it was Wednesday, it was a Thursday. I went through the entire day thinking that I was just a bit ahead of the work load and that Thursday was going to be a good day and that I was well on pace for Friday's deadline. I worked fast and carefully. I worked the usual 12 hours and went home. I was helping sweety in with something from her truck and some how the day came up and that it was Thursday. I about pooped, and denied that it was possible. She "messes" with me all the time. I thought this was one of those times and pushed her several times to stop messing around… she was not… this time. For a solid minute I was panicked and thought about going back to the shop to get more done so that I could maybe get half done for the deadline.

I did not go back. I just gave that one up.

I was just so SURE it was Wednesday. I thought this must be what an Alzheimer patient must feel like in a moment of lucidity. How horrible.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Empty nest

Everyone has seen the phone commercials where the (typically Jewish) mother is haranguing the daughter or son … "You never call, you never write. Did you think I died? Make an old woman happy call once in a while will you?"

I never paid that sort of thing any credence in as much as well I wasn't the old Jewish woman before… now I am.

My daughter grew up, graduated and moved down to live with her mother for the summer before reporting for duty in the Navy. I have listened to my mother talk to me about talking to my daughter… "It's like pulling teeth to get a complete sentence out of her". But having lived with her I didn't experience that too very much only on occasion and that was sort of cyclical issue.

So now here I am and well… Make an old man happy call once in a while will you?"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

About me

I decided that the racism thing can wait. I wrote a bunch of stuff up but saw that it was just so much ugly memories.

So, about me some.

I don't think you or the people I work with would know to see me or listen to me but I am a craven fraidy cat. I woke up this morning in the middle of what I would call a mid level panic attack. I live that way a lot; worrying about this and that and the other. It consumes me some times. I think that is why when I do something fun or interesting or build something cool I point it out to my family… they have gotten used to the idea that I do cool things and are no longer impressed. I am though. I always marvel at the end result, because I don't think I could have done it. I mentioned a while ago that my work is no longer fulfilling. It is starting to eat me. Yesterday the guy I sort of work for asked if I were up to a challenge. I about pissed my self. Not like this thing I am doing 12 hours a day going on 7 days a week isn't enough of a challenge? Now I have to sift through someone else's work and learn how they did it and how I am going to redo it. There are good notes, better notes than I make. In the past, though, my function was to do a thing then do a different thing. I never had to do the same thing again now or months later so I didn't need notes much except what I needed to get through the thing. This past couple years has been really trying. When I first moved here I had a job that was about the top end of what it is that I do. And I was not in any way ready for it. I was tossed, not in to the deep end alone… I was hurled in to the ocean in the middle of a "Perfect Storm", with no help… much. I had to learn the whole thing alone… mostly. That was nerve wracking day in and day out. That job went away, moved out of state. Now I am in a sort of similar situation again. I suspect this is a case of what doesn't kill you makes you better, faster, stronger… but I am getting very tired of pushing this old boulder up this steep learning curve day after day. I suspect God is making this all work out though because I sure don't see how it keeps working out. I haven't need for any thing, wanted for yes, but not needed. I don't go hungry, the bills keep getting paid. I keep shaking in my boots though.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Raceism #2

This recent flair up of racist concerns is both crap and deeply troubling. On the face of it its crap for this reason; it seems that every time a black person gets arrested some one throws the race card. That is Crap. It's troubling because the President of the United States saw fit to wade in with ridiculous commentary on a subject he knew nothing about! Yes he knew Dr. Gates and probably new him to be a mild mannered professor. But I think that Perhaps Dr. Gates' attitude might have been brought on by his personal relationship with Obama, It sounds something like this… Party of the first part: "You can not talk to me like this. I know Vinie, Vinie Scumbado." The mention of Vinie's name, being some fictitious notorious underworld enforcer type, is supposed to strike fear in to the individual speaking to the party of the first part. I think that the professor thought that Obama was his Vinie. One of the things that make that troubling is that it paints Obama as a racist. And before you all start screaming he's black he can't be racist, Shut Up. It's my belief that black people are more racist than most white people. Many black people see racism in every thing a white person says. And what's worse, they see it when it's not there.

I witnessed a scene at a superior court house where in a black man was at 'Window#1' trying, like the rest of us, to get some documentation issues handled. In this case it was something to do with copies of transcripts pertaining to a restraining order put out against him by his used to be wife. The woman behind the desk asked him to wait while she looked up the records and she was finding nothing based on the information that he was giving her. Almost instantly he flew in to a rage and started screaming racism. His voice rose so as to be heard in the entire room filled with talking people. Every one around shut up as a result. I suspect that was his intent to draw attention to his plight and cause the woman embarrassment so as to quell her apparent attempt at racism. He ranted and raved for about a minute while the woman politely and continuously, politely and professionally asked him if there was any other name his case could be listed under. Nothing! He was not going to be silenced or hauled down off his High White… err Black Horse of righteous indignation. Nor was he going to pull his head out of his ass to try to think of answering the woman's questions. Finally a supervisor came over to see what the furory was about, a black man I might add. I suspect that helped some, for a second. The, would be, injured man repeated what he told the woman behind the counter in a non library voice. The supervisor entered the same information in to the database and again nothing. That really lit the guy up. Now not only is it racism it was now conspiracy on the part of the court to deprive him if his legal rights. Wowie did he go off. Al Sharpton would have been very Proud! The supervisor asked him repeatedly to come to the end of the counter where he could be brought around in to a private room where they could talk about this more privately. "NO F'ing way, I will not be take out back like a little nigger boy." Round and round they went for going on 4 minutes now. Finally the supervisor calls the police/security officers over to try to get control of the situation. I think that the wrong thing to do. The security officers tried to explain that he was disrupting the normal course business of the court and that he would have to quiet down or leave or be forcibly removed. HE did not listen to the first three times the officers explained his choices, so the smaller officer reached out and took his arm. WOW that was like pure sodium and water, I tell you what. Then the larger officer took his other arm and lifted him and carried him down the counter and in to the back, screaming all the way. You could hear him for a couple more minutes then he went quiet. I wondered if they tazed him or something. It seems that he gave a wrong name to the original court worker. He came storming out with an arm load of papers apparently what he was looking to get in the first place. After he was gone I over heard the court counter people talking about it. It seems that he wasn't giving the same name he used in the original hearing. The court worker had asked him repeatedly if there was a different name.

Raceism 1

This whole thing with professor Gates and the Cop and Obama has me thinking about the whole race thing a lot. I have been thinking about the race thing for a long time and I think it would be a good idea to get a couple of the principal race related incidents that have helped shape my thinking about race issues to help me sort out my feelings. The next couple posts will be about them.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

tough issues

Censorship

I read in a blog where the blogger was upset about a commercial that was running promoting a new TV show. The spot showed a family of 'little people' taking self defense glasses. It seems that the video of the spot is showing the woman of the couple kicking and screaming "No" and punching the instructor with the appropriate pads and stuff while a upbeat voice over guy is saying Ben and Jen play hard to get. Her contention is that the phrase hard to get coupled with the video f kicking and screaming NO plants the idea that no does not mean no that it means fight longer then I will say yes. I can see her point and i agree that there is a subtle message being delivered. I wonder about the not so very subtle messages out there... like "Smack my Bitch up". This is not so very subtle. I wonder if that is ok because it isn't trying to sneak in under the radar. Its just in your face and offensive or not...

tough issues

I was sort of trolling the teevee thing last night. I stumbled across the "48 Hours" show.
I don't know much about it and haven't really cared to find out about it either. That's not the point. This episode caught me just right. It was about Tim Masters of Colorado. He was accused, stalked, tried, convicted, incarcerated, and denied several appeals. On the face of it, the pretty glossy of it yippy chalk one up for the good guys. But it seems that the justice system got it wrong... WAY purposefully wrong. Imagine that. I don't have a great deal of faith in the Justice system any more. In a later installment I will run down my most recent run ins with the Justice system. But for now I talk about the Masters thing. Not so much the case itself but the implications. Tim Masters was convicted of Killing a woman in his community. I don't think I will run down the details though they are amazingly interesting. You can read up on it here if you find it even remotely interesting enough to read further.
I am typicaly a proponant of the death sentence. I believe in it not a deterant but as a measure if justice. I am not a criminal and as such I dont think like one. I tried that once in a goofy situation a long time ago... I got nothin'. But I did participate in the consumption and selling of drugs for a period of time which is a criminal activity. So as a used to be "criminal" I can say this about my activities. The punishment which I definitely understood should I get caught would be some protracted length of time in Prison. This really did not enter my mind while I went about my criminal activity. I was certain that I was below the radar. I believe that most criminals think that they are also. This said having watched this case it gives me serious pause to consider that "They" managed to cobble together a case that put Tim Masters away for life with out parole, with NO Physical evidence! It seems that with just a shred of concocted evidence Tim Masters might have been executed and we might not behaving this 'talk'. But he was Innocent! This really frightens me. As I said I am a believer in the death penalty. I see no reason for the State to protect he life of a person who violently took the life of another. Especialy if that killer is a psychopathic killer, a serial killer or the like. If the state could show me some reasonable purpose for keeping these people alive at the states/MY expense roughly $80,000 a year in most cases then ok. There are only a couple reasons that make sense to me. 1 If the criminal is working and earning a wage and that wage is then being given to the family of the person who was killed. 2 this psychopath is subjected to study and experimentation for the purposes of understanding and preventing this sort of behavior from developing. And since DNA stuff is 'proving' the existance of SAD genes and Fat genes GAY genes... why, then, can there not be psychopath genetic study. I can live with Sad Fat Gay people, Psychopaths... I personally would rather not. Bug again this really stopped me in my typically one track thinking tracks. What if? Mr. Masters served in the US Navy. He was a aircraft mechanic working on jet aircraft. He had a good solid life... now? And they haven't even cleared his name, so when he goes and applies for a job and that line comes up "have you ever been convicted of a crime?" what does he do? The Investegator Broderic 'stalked' Masters for years before he got him arrested. The state harassed Masters for years(wiretaps recorded conversations between Masters and his father, surveillance pictures and video then locked him up for 9 years. Some how I think the state owes Masters something. The prosecuting attornies are now Judges and I suspect ate beyond reach.
I suspect that this is why I believe that the 10 commandments belong in the court room. I have to pray that God is there and will see true justice done because it seems that men are not up to the task.

God never waists a hurt so I believe that something good will come of this... in time. I hope that Mr. Masters is there to see that happen.

I am happy that I am not in a possition to have to figure this out. I dont calim to have the answers but this is a frightening thing indeed.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The woman who loves me...

She must be the strongest most patient, loving person, man or woman, ever to walk this planet, with the possible exception of Christ him self. She has tolerated my... "stuff" for YEARS. I love her. I hope she continues to love me, she is so wonderful. She is a blessing beyond measure and a curse. The blessing is easy to see.. the curse... she holds me to a higher standard. She makes me want to be a better man. I am, however, lazy, so its often times difficult. And lets be honest its tough to work along side Wonder Woman and keep up your end.
I read a blog today where in a woman was questioning her relationship with her long time love. It seems he is a sanitation engineer or something blue collar along those lines. His is a good job which pays well with benefits and security. She is an attorney or equal white collar. She has HIGH aspirations and wants more... he is happy. She is wondering if they are going to want the same things soon... At a certain level I wonder/worry the same thing.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

the F word

I marvel at the utility of this word. You can use it any where in a sentence or as all or most of a sentence. I also marvel at it widely divergent level of acceptance. In some circles it rather frowned on in others it is revered and used often in others it tossed about like any other bit of trash in the wind. I fell in to using it a LONG time ago and it difficult in the extreme to give up. I think its tougher to give up that smoking.

Monday, July 20, 2009

busy much???

I have in the past been very good at my job but lately I have had my butt handed to me in ways I could not imagine. In some ways I am proud of what I have accomplished and in others I am horribly embarrassed. Its been a very rough year. I have lost two jobs and am barely hanging on to the third. My daughter grew up and moved away after graduating from High School. At this juncture I am reluctant to discuss my love life. It has been up and down much lately. The reasons for the Downs are mostly in MY head. I think that I may hitting the midlife crisis thing head on now. I have thought this in the past but this is worse than any thing I have ever experienced before. I think the job thing has really hit me. I don't feel secure about any thing and my work has always been a source of anchorage in the past. It has given me a sense of accomplishment and pride in my self. I am learning now that you need all those things from with in and not from with out. Because when all all that comes from without it can be taken away oh so easily. I have come into a period of time when I have time again to think and to write. Not that writing has ever really been something I felt compelled to do. I often think about writing a book... a short story sort of thing... likely with Science fiction over tones. Probably not steeped in SciFi as I used to imagine. I have been trolling the internet lately. Initially I started trolling porn sites, but as I have seen most all of what is out there porn becomes boring right away. You can only see so much of it before it all looks the same. I stumbled across this site though which promises to be a real time sink... Instructables. Holly smokes there are some very inventive people out there. In the nick of case you haven't noticed it I am getting much better at not using coarse language. This is something I have been working on for YEARS. I have my daughter to thank for this accomplishment. She 'rode' me incessantly, about my language, and it worked... mostly.

So as to the title of this post for the last couple months I have been working 7 days a week about 12 to 14 yours each save Saturday and Sunday which I tried to limit to about 9 hours each. working sort of... two jobs which aren't really jobs at all. I just work. I occasionally get paid. So any way I have reached a point in the work thing where I have time to think and write. Some years ago I wanted to write a sex blog. I found the Girl with a One Track Mind blog and AAG (Always Aroused Girl) was hooked. Then I found a bunch more similar blogs and thought "I could do that"... but alas no. I did have the life that would have supported such a blog some years before that... and was involved with a woman who would have made it very interesting and FUN indeed to write about such things. Those times are gone now and Its just as well I imagine. I believe that I am something of a sex addict and or a porn addict. So now the title of this Blog Getting a grip is about just that getting a grip on those and other areas of my life and trying to hold on and to become a better person. The previous posts are pretty much not in keeping with that goal really... and much of what comes now will likely not be either but there will be some.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Wetbacks

Before you all start screaming about me being a raciest look this up Operation Wetback. And hey I warned you about offensive stuff.
So how do we get Obama to read this?!? More to the point how do we get him to think that maybe just maybe this could be a good thing for the country. Oh wait that's not going to happen. Mexicans... Illegal Mexicans... are the fastest growing voting block in the nation. What "Politician" in his or her right mind would alienate those people... alienate... interesting word for this situation...

I have LOADS to say about this but not tonight... I suppose an update is forth coming. I hate reading things like this. All sorts of things come up not the least is my blood pressure. And so as not to be ambiguous about this... Illegal boarder crossing is illegal! If I have to worry about running an Amber light with photo ticketing Javiere should have to worry about his citizenship his true citizenship. Senators and Governors and Mayors all work on behalf of the illegal immigrant enacting laws that fly directly in the face of federal law and looking the other way when Federal laws are broken. Man I hope I have Governors and Senators and Mayors working on my behalf if I ever get crossways with a federal law. Not a chance of that.

Don't think I have no empathy for Mexican people at large. This is not a race issue... its a lot of issues. Mostly I think that Mexicans are great people. The Mexicans I know personally I hold in High regard personally, professionally and any other ...ly you might think of. It gets on my last nerve though when I read about Gangstas... cant even be bothered to say the word properly... go around shootinig up the schools and kids in them over turf wars... turf they DON'T OWN! I used to do drugs so I have contributed in some real sense to this problem.

I am starting to ramble with no real sense of order or direction to this post. I will have to write this up and post it another time.

I have found writing to be a very effective tool to organize my thoughts. It takes a while... So I will be working on this... maybe. Its a highly contentious and controversial issues which I am not likely to solve and in general no one is going to care even a little one way or another about my "well concidered " opinions on this so there is no reason to really but so as to clear it up in my own mind I will (might). That is in fact one of the reasons for the blog.

It took a while but I hammered out my thoughts on abortion this way some years ago.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Royalties are crap!

I was reading about this Kindle II thing being made and sold by Amazon. It seem that they have a cool feature... Text to Speech... in this hand-held device. Now it seems that Authors are getting all in an uproar about copy right infringement. I think that this is a load of crap.
I make things for a living. I make prototype models. I design and make parts for a wide variety of applications. Do I get a royalty every time some one uses the part? Do I get paid every time some one looks at the part... picks it up? NO, NO and NO! I get paid to make the part... the end. BUT some how "artists" musicians, actors, authors... and their attorneys... have created this system where in they get paid ever time one of their songs is heard, movies are seen, or books are sold. They got paid to make their product and now they get paid again and again and again? How is that right? It's not like musicians or actors or writers don't make enough money to produce their product... 20 Million Dollars to spend 3 months of your life making a movie? There is no way one person's time can be worth 20 million for three months work... no way. I understand that this is an economy of scale. LOTS of people will listen to the song, see this movie or read that book. It is ridiculous and I don't mean that the way they sling it around on "So You Think You Can Dance" to use hip speak.
Oh and in case you think I forgot about ball players; baseball, basketball, football... NO I haven't! If any one deserves a major league ball players salary its the Military or Firemen or the Police! Any persons job that has the possibility of dieing on the job written in to the job description. But then we couldn't afford that could we?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I read somewhere that thanks to the internet , sex is now boring.

Holy Smokes I read this article today that hit the nail on the head with near completely perfect accuracy!
Please read it! It is MOST illuminating. This is the caution to pornography argument that I have been making for years. There is no real data that suggest that unregulated porn access causes an increase in sex crimes which is the usual BS argument. In fact there is lots of data that points the opposite way. But the thing that I found after living in a sex soaked stupor for years was exactly what this article talks about Reality sex VS Porn Fantasy sex. It sort of boils down to a thing called expectation management. Unless you are involved with a partner who is as into porn as you are... then porn is likely to become a problem in your relationship. Maybe not now, maybe not soon but eventually. If however you find your self in a relationship with some one like minded in the porn area... consider it very carefully before you rock that boat. That equality may be very difficult to find again! I am a big fan of porn... but I am subject to its addictive qualities. *** I *** Ruined my marriage with it. After years of self analysis I take full responsibility for that debacle.

I would only add this to the article. Sex Addiction is a like Alcohol addiction this way; not everyone is predisposed to be an alcoholic. Some can drink one drink at dinner on occasion and have liquor in the house with no compulsion to consume all of it at once, once they start. Some people cannot. Some people drink till they pass out… regularly. They ruin their health. They spend more on booze than their budget honestly allows. They lose their jobs drinking on the job. Similarly with porn, online or otherwise, there are men, and women it seems, that will spend loads of money on online porn site memberships, more than they have to spend. They will lose their jobs because they trolled porn online at work.

There are some guys and gals that are likely to become addicted and some that are not. Also I think with “sex addiction” the triggers are more prevalent. There are more women walking around to look at, to rate their ‘doability’ index, to objectify, and fantasize about their breasts…butts… than there are liquor ads or stores so the incidence of dealing with sexual triggers is higher with sex addiction. And advertising uses sex like they use the letter E. This leads to a situation of habit building through repetition.

The metaphor of having to hunt for your food and cooking it over an open fire seeming to make it taste better comes to mind. The ability to get Fat and sugar into your diet used to be DARN tough. You had to run down the fat bearing animal and kill it. Using a stick and a rock made that a long labor intensive process. In general it cost almost as many calories to kill and eat an animal as was in the animal. Now you can just drop into any of thousands of fast food places and get Lots of fat and sugar... fast, easy and cheap. (Fast, easy, cheap... remind you of any one???) Fat and sugar taste good for a reason . You need them in your diet but only a little and because it used to be darn difficult to get into your diet it was sort of self regulating.

Now with Porn shops in every teeny tiny town you can get lots of fast, easy, cheap "sex" into your life... and just like eating too much fat and sugar... it may not be good for you. That's not to say that once in a while fast, easy cheap sex isn't great, a steady diet of it... not so much.

Bottom line porn can be hurtful in an unbalanced relationship. It’s a long and slippery slope. (Long and slippery... never mind me...) Nothing about it is easy.