prayers answered?

I haven't been very posty lately. I tend to shut down when I shut down. By shut down I mean be depressed and I stop communicating with others and by extension blogging.

My depression has been an extension of a long "bitter" fight with my sweety about our sex life. Towards the end I was going crazy. I had answered a craigslisting sexvert. I didnt follow through thankfully. I sought out the help of several professional Dr. types. I was looking for some relief for the burrning desire for sexual... something release, healing, communication, some, all who knows. I was desperate. I tried to get a shot of Depo Provera. Chemical castration said to dramatically suppress the male sex drive. They use depo in penitentiaries on recidivist sex offenders. Apperently living in a small town with few options that is impossible. Then it happened. I cant say what the "It" is but it happened. I am no longer even remotely interested in sex with my sweety or any woman for that mater. Now I find the idea of sex to be a some what revolting idea. Its been near two months since last I even saw sweety naked and I couldn't be better with it. I love her and love being with her but the idea of sex is just frightening and very off putting. When I think of sex I feel ugly and small. I don't know even what to make of this development. We shall see. On one level it is the answer to a prayer and on the other I feel that I have lost a large portion of who I am. I feel like some one has surgically reached into my brain and excised that portion of my brain. I don't feel like a "Man" any more. But that feeling is welcome compared to the fire in my brain from before.

have you ever...

Have you ever felt so small , so insignificant so ugly that you very much wanted to die except for that darn pesky self preservation reflex... That you wonder if God him self is beginning to rethink that whole infallibility thing.

snapped

Today I snapped. I issue this phrase a lot… Don't burn down the present in your pursuit to build the future… but today it is done… not to say that it can't be undone but it is done for the person.

What is the rule/ social regulation regarding monogamy?

I love My Sweety and I am committed to my Sweety… I really am. I have so very much overhauled myself to fit hers… and… well the square peg is working its way back loose from the round hole because there is no accommodation at all in the round hole of her life for this square peg. There is simply put no room in her life for me.

What is the rule about a couple that is committed to each other but due to some outside reason they don't have sex? The person for whom sex is impossible, is it their responsibility to see that their partner is afforded something of their needs sexually if not from within the couple then from without?

What is the morality line here? If the person has some paraplegia that prevents them from engaging in sex with their partner; is it reasonable that the person without the condition to have to go without? Is it just horrible for the person without the condition to seek the sexual comforts of another if their primary love is incapacitated? What about the situation where one chooses to be unavailable, such as the case of being in a relationship with a workaholic. Is it reasonable for the workaholic to condemn their partner to a live deprived of sexual outlet?

I understand that "it is not possible to change others… only yourself" or words to that effect. Isn't it incumbent on you if you enter into a relationship with another to make changes in yourself for your partner? I don't mean to say a total over haul or anything unreasonable… I do suppose that does leave the door open to the idea of interpretation of what is reasonable or not.

My brain is so on fire just now I am so enraged and frustrated by this situation. I can scarcely speak/type.

I feel so emasculated, so much like a child, so much like a small annoying pet or piece of furniture.

I really wonder she keeps my balls. Someday soon I will find then and…

so yeah...

Its been a very long time since I have had any thing that I thought was worth saying/reading.
The happy times are few and far between.
Some months ago I got my head slapped back to reality regarding my porn issues.
I have been better about that. That is primarily why I have been off line. Other reasons are that recently my personal live has ebbed very low in relational happiness. My work life has been no source of inspiration. Every project that I find my self involved in turns out to be an unmitigated disaster. I fear being fired so deeply having been unemployed for so long.

I know this sounds like an "Oh woe is me" bit of detritus and it really is I suppose. I dont have any where else to say these things so 'here' it is.