issues of compatibility…

I think that sexual compatibility is the most critical component of compatibility that can be measured. I say measured, I don't know how to measure such a thing but I imagine there are points of compatibility that can be measured or assessed. Are you a kinky person, like porn, and role playing sex games? Or are you a person that thinks kinky is being seen naked in the day light, does not like porn and finds role playing games a ridiculous waste of time and energy? Those two people are likely not compatible. So unless these two are willing to move toward each other in their sexual predilections their relationship is not going to meet the needs of either partner for long.

Sex is unique in the spectrum of human interactive participation… mostly. I say that because there are certainly people that fall outside the scope of the ideas that I am writing about here. In a relationship each partner meets the needs of the other mostly. But in the case that the husband (or the wife) likes to play golf and wife does not then the wife cannot inhibit the husband's freedom to play golf. The husband is welcome to play golf in groups, pairs of foursomes… or more I guess. I don't play golf. The groups might be mixed they might not. The husband is welcome to take magazines about golf. He is likely to buy the accessories to play the game, clubs, bag cart-thing, balls, tees the usual stuff. He might troll the internet looking for more specific tools, accessories, apparatus, videos or books to help improve his swing, posture, grip or concentration. The husband might hire a professional to teach him some of the finer points of the game to help improve his game. That professional is likely to physically touch him in the course of coaching him. In general all this is just fine with the wife assuming that it all falls within the household budget and the time away doesn't leave the wife feeling rejected and alone because he is gone every weekend for hours and hours.

The same ideas apply to a relationship if one partner wants to pursue a hobby in a band, they might even play at local bars or fairs or other social events if they are any kind of good. Again the band might be a mixed group with a woman lead singer or... Or the wife might have a desire for sport bike riding. She is certainly going to buy a motorcycle for this, likely a nice and likely fast one with a good helmet and a husband does not want his wife all covered up with road rash so a leather riding suit is in order. She might go for Track time to learn more about cornering and breaking she will certainly be riding with a bunch of guys. Most anything you can name is ok outside the confines of the relationship if one doesn't care for the activity and the other does. Cooking classes, bicycling, gardening, playing cards, Olympic training the list is just about limitless as long as sex is not involved as the principal activity. An Olympic athlete might be getting massages from an opposite sex masseuse but as therapy that is likely ok.

But when it comes to sex, the brakes lock up, all the crap in the house, err, I mean car, flies through the air, the tires squeal and smoke and everything comes to an abrupt halt. I meant that metaphorically of course. And there are some mitigating circumstances and special negotiated relationships and special people that allow this sort of thing and I don't mean by my choice of words that I am somehow looking down on those individuals. I applaud them for their boundary pushing and courage to explore that realm of relational activity. I was there once… it didn't work for me.

So if the wife of or the husband decides to pursue a sex life as a hobby or a sport outside the marriage that frequently ends the marriage and costs half of the household stuff one way or the other. Just "read the papers". The 'Headlines' are replete with Governors and Mayors and Sports figures and Celebrities of all walks that think that they can get away with it. Just ask Tiger Woods how it worked out for him. In general neither the wife nor the husband is allowed to have sex with another or in groups. They are not allowed to seek coaching from a 'professional' outside the relationship to "improve their game". Certainly medical issues are outside the scope of this post. Some things are sort of tolerated though. Buying magazines is generally tolerated, with an eye roll, Playboy for men, Cosmo for women. Buying sex toys is gaining in popularity, YIPPY! I love me the sex toys. And the sex toys of today are a quantum leap forward from the old ivory colored plastic vibrator of years gone by Let me tell you. I used to make my own because they were too ridiculous to even consider driving to "that side of town to one of those stores". Porn seems to be becoming more widely accepted by women. But any and all of this is subject to approval on the part of both individuals in the relationship which is why it is, in my opinion, vital that they be sexually compatible. Otherwise these little "foibles" have to be kept secret and hidden. In most cases, though, these sorts of things don't stay secret or hidden for long. Musical compatibility, books, food, TV all this can be negotiated, accepted and even appreciated… Sex not as much. If you are predisposed to be a kinky because of early exposure or trauma it doesn't matter, that is who you are and no amount of counseling or treatment is going to change that. It is deeply interwoven into your psyche. I believe sexual proclivities are a level of "traited-ness" one step up from your sexual identity as male or female. Your partner will have to accept and embrace that about you because that is not style trait like music or fashion or sports fandom. It is a deeply seated personality trait and It's not an easily changed aspect of who you are as a person and nor do I believe it should it be called for in a loving and close relationship. That is the sort of thing that should be learned about early on in a relationship so that both parties can make an informed decision about life with the other. I find that the notion of being virgins on your wedding night to be a noble pursuit but not very smart in the overall scope of living a life time together. Who knows what sexual 'skeletons' are likely to pop up and you just know they are going to pop up. I know you have heard the stories of the wife or husband figuring out that they are gay or lesbian or even opposite sex trapped in the wrong body after having lived half a life in a marriage. I don't think I could deal with that so very well. Somehow I "think" that women could deal with that a bit better but this is just me projecting my belief, or more likely my desire to believe, that women are inherently bisexual at some level. I await your letters of outrage and condemnation. But I would have to claim that Porn did that to me… no, I am just kidding… not really… no really.

All that said, It is also vital that you stay sexually compatible with your partner and communicate any changes that start to develop over the years. If you are inhibited from the beginning you are even less likely to communicate changes that occur as time goes by until you are signed up for that sex change and boarding a flight to Thailand to finally meet Dr. Tsu.