Sexting

    I would have been a horrible sexter. I would have been crazy for this. I would have been sexting all the time, except that I hate those tiny little key boards and even worse using the numeric key pads to write things. But I would have been crazy even so. I would have had the most in shape thumbs ever. I guess I was fortunate in that regard that I missed the smart enough phone to sext on that is not to say that I didn't do my share of the sexy emails. I Never had a cell phone camera sufficient to send sexy pictures though and taking a truly sexy pictures with a cell phone camera is tough in the best of conditions. It is no wonder that more and more people are getting addicted to sex and porn. Technology makes it oh so very easy and private... right there in your right hand after you have wiped all the goop off.

    I wonder though does it make sex better or does it make sex a let down. On the one hand it would allow for foreplay to last all day long so that when you finally get together you just rip each others clothing off. I like that idea plenty. On the other hand it makes it so ubiquitous that it would get boring after a couple weeks unless you got more and more kinky which ultimately leads to... well it takes you away from the true nature of sex which is supposed to be love. If your focus becomes sex and more kinky sex love can get lost.

    Oh yea what brought all this up... Apple got a patent on a sex filter. I personaly dont think it has a chance. Kids will adopt a new slang to circumvent the filter faster than the filterers can keep up. Sort of like the ebonics and Rap languages were adopted to be able to speak freely in prison and not have the guards understand that you were planning a shanking in the showers after dinner.

I have noticed

    I have noticed lately that my bloggy stuff has changed as of late. Where as in months gone by most of my blogs were of a internal personal nature and typically about unhappy sex related stuff. They have now, with the exception of the FFF thing, become more external and less personal.
I wonder if that means that I have turned a corner regarding my issues with sex and addictions and other would be inappropriate things on the internet. I hope so. I feel that this could very well be he case. I know that I don't experience intrusive thoughts about sex during the day. My thoughts are more or less work and living related not sex related. I used to experience very intrusive thoughts about sex and porn all through the day, now not so much.
    I have the occasional flare up to be sure, but they don't last very long and are much lower intensities than before.
    At once I am happy for that and miss the thoughts as well. I suppose that is sort of akin to how a kidnapping victim might feel after their release.

Re-wiring

How porn can re-wire your brain… short term and long term.

In the short term I noticed one day after an afternoon of watching porn, some good some crappy, that I went into the world with a skewed view of things. I went to the Home Depot and when checking out with a rather attractive woman checker I found these thoughts running through my mind… Wow I wonder what she looks like naked. Is that a pucker in her shirt or are those her way large hard nipples. Are her nipples hard because she thinks I am hot? Is she going to ask me if she can suck me or me to suck her. And the thoughts all raced through my mind with appropriate video accompaniment of the imagined possible scenes. I kept waiting while she was ringing me out… then the credits… "Have a nice day and thank you for shopping the Home Depot"… Nothing… what a letdown.

Long term: it can give you a twisted view of what sex and lovemaking can or should be like. On occasion Hot steamy sex can be this way but in general it is not. These are paid professionals with proper lighting, direction, make up, proper shot angles and most of all editing. It can also fill your head with a lot of things that don't translate into reality very well. All those slick exotic positions look new and exciting on camera but a steady diet of that sort of thing… you had better be a yoga practitioner. Most of these women are more limber than most because that is their job Most of these guys look great because they are paid to. When you are paid to sit at a desk and file reports or some such you have to make time to go to the gym and PAY to look like that. Similarly these situations while sexy and fantasy stuff are not likely to be what you really want. No woman wants to be raped… but the notion of being so attractive to a man that he "loses control" and must have you now is an attractive one. And the idea of a recently unemployed 20 something building contractor stud showing up at a Cougar party with "pizza delivery" is interesting but I don't see Cougars sitting around eating pizza. They hang out in Martini bars.

There is a scene in one of my ALL time favorite movies, "BrainStorm" where a lab assistant has made a loop of an orgasm scene and apparently has been locked in his basement playing this looped bit of 'tape' for what sounds like three days. When he has the 'helmet' removed he is crushed by the return to reality. The subsequent difficulties have him being discharged and put in disability of "…inderterminent duration". In effect he had some sort of psychotic episode in connection with this event. At a certain level I believe that this is possible watching porn movies for some people. They get hooked their minds get re-wired to desire the notions and the ideas and the sex in porn but it is just not reality. I believe that it can become difficult thing to keep the two separate for some people. Perhaps not keeping them separated but keeping an understanding about what a real sex life is about and what porn is and wanting that level of a sex life with no consideration for work or chores or children or the desires of my partner or this or that or the other. I think I am one of these people.

I have said this many many times and I still believe it; if you and your partner are equally interested in porn then it can possibly work, but if one is and the other is not I believe porn will become a source of friction that will be difficult to overcome in a relationship. Similarly if you don't have some psychological braking mechanism in your head about porn, it can take you down the path that cocaine and meth and crack can take you down. If you keep watching and keep watching it desensitizes you to what comes next, the next big thrill. But I know that there are some people who can watch porn and not be "hooked". Just like there are peop-le who can have A glass of wine in the evening without drinking the whole bottle then moving to the Vodka. This is why I label myself as a sex addict. I have often wondered what goes on in the heads of people who start using coke and then windup snorting their possessions and their families, their health and their lives away. Didn't they see any of this coming at them? At some point didn't they say Damn that boat I just sold, to pay for my coke habit, was the last straw… NO MORE!

Sex rehabing

So I watched the 7th installment of the Sex-rehab. I was impossibly disappointed for two reasons. 1: This was the penultimate episode. And 2: Kari Ann and her 'drama' hijacked the whole darn show. There were 4 epiphany moments where I learned something Duncan Roy, Jennie Ketchum, Amber Smith and Phil Verone had moments that were worth seeing. More of the time, questions and the therapy surrounding those moments could have been GREAT! I was hoping for so much more. By showing more moments like those and editing fairly they could have kept the drama down and the benefit to the viewers up. And the interest level could have been just as high. The editors and the producers really needed to understand what it was they could have been doing with this show. The rehab shows could be so much better and so helpful. I don't think these types of shows need drama to make them worth watching. Those moments with Varone and Roy and Smith were amazingly heartwarming. All the Kari Ann Drama was simply infuriating. These shows could be Reality TV truly worth watching not just more none-reality-reality waste of airtime. I don't know which is better to get a bunch of people blogging and crabbing about the drama or a bunch of people blogging about how great the show was and how helpful it was for them in their lives. Perhaps they didn't want to be giving away Jill's and Dr. Drew's work or something. Why bother with a show like this, why bother going on to expose yourself to the 'world' your sex-addiction if you weren't trying to help someone. I read somewhere that there was a significant pay-check involved. Oh boy… more "Follow the money". I hope for better next time.

And the answer is…

I guess I have my answer… any sex is too much sex. I really hate being alive today. Being a depressive type any way the thought that I will be vexed by this condition the rest of my life is a bit too much to tolerate just now.

The more you know

I as I said I have been reading up on sexual anorexia. I think I flipped from sex addiction to sex anorexia. It fits a bit better with how I am feeling now. In sex addiction addicts cannot control their sexual activities. Which is how I used to run my life or should I say how my 'life' ran me. The woman I love and who loves me IS open and available to me. I have no excuse for any of this other than I feel trapped by fear of rejection. The feelings that come from rejections are bone crushing. From The List #3: So I imagine rationalize scenarios in my head that allow me to forgo the intimacy with the woman I love to avoid the hurt. I am depriving her of the intimacy she looks to me for also. But in my head I imagine that she doesn't want intimacy with me because I am foul and unlovable. I rationalize that she works hard and comes home late and doesn't want to be accosted by me at the door all horny and humping her leg. Which is how I view my attempts to be intimate with her. Even th0ugh in reality I am probably so timid about it that she likely doesn't even notice my efforts or I am so pent-up that I not so subtle. I feel hurt by her apparent lack of interest in what I am going through. I have been VERY open and verbal about all this with her. I have written her letters many time and she still doesn't seem interested. Maybe I wouldn't either if she had some 'weird' eating disorder or other. I don't know. I like to think I would support her but I don't know.

I have to start trying to take chances.

…sex rehab-2

So I watched the sex-rehab show today and have lost a great deal of respect for staff. Not so much Selma but for Dr. Drew and the people watching the daily video taken. And they surely are watching this footage. Somehow I think that they should have seen this or something like this coming. ALL of the staff should have been involved in meetings about the progress of the patients. Kari's behavior would surely have been at the top of that list of things to discuss. Selma should have A: received some more coaching or counseling as to how to handle extremely resistant patients. B: been replaced as the "ward nurse" for a period of time or the remainder of the show before this situation escalated to the level of termination. C: been told to walk away and report any and all of Kari Ann's offensive behavior. At the very least the Dr.'s should have been on Kari Ann before they had to fire someone because of her problems. I saw this coming and I am no professional.

This form of acting out must be a coping mechanism that Kari Ann developed long ago when she was being abused. I believe that Kari Ann has employed this mechanism before, and effectively. Kari Ann pushes and pushes and pushes anybody that get's 'in her face', until that person father, boyfriend, teacher, anyone calling her to be responsible or reasonable, just gives up and goes away or retaliates. If they go away go away she doesn't have deal with the person in her face or be responsible. Problem solved. If the person retaliates she can claim to be the sympathetic victim and those around her will lavish her with sympathy, love and attention which she craves. The person in her face is goes away… again, and again, she no longer needs to deal with the person in her face or her responsibilities. And again problem solved. With her looks and the sweet charm she can affect this is a perfect mechanism for her to employ.

I was sort of hoping to get some tools that I could use to work through my addiction from this show. This is not one of them. I am beginning to think that the only thing I will get is irritated. Last week Kari Ann seemed to be on the verge of getting a grip on her pathology. Her Perfect smile cracked… a bit. That progress seems to have evaporated.

Don't get me wrong about her. I feel for her pain, I do. But I don't think she does. But maybe she can't… yet. I hope she can snap into it soon before I have to quit watching.

I think Kari Ann should read the list from my previous post. I imagine she has participated in all or most of the list. I know I have. Speaking of that list I found that on a Polyamory FAQ page while I was investigating sexual dysfunction. I was stunned by how much of the list I had mastered Long ago. And am embarrassed by how much of it I still use. Those tips work, I promise. By employing them myself I managed to destroy my marriage, cripple my life and definitely impact my daughter's life in a very negative way. If this were a computer game I would have the HIGH score. I thought I invented some of that stuff. Particularly 2, 3, 4, 7 and 8. I am personally employing strategy 7 just now. I can see it happening. I know it's counterproductive in the extreme. It feels like I am trapped, riding along inside some another body. I don't want to be doing this but I can't find the over ride button or the eject handle.

I have been reading about sexual anorexia. Holly smokes maybe this fits me better. I am beginning to sound like a hypochondriac. But the fear of rejection and criticism line nails me. It is excruciating.

Is there a sexual bulimia?

This week…

This has been a tough week.

My sweety is gone for the week. One of my addiction triggers has something to do with abandonment. I have a very difficult time alone. I tend to 'act out' in my addiction when I am stressed this way. I started out the beginning of the week pretty much ok. By midweek I was trolling a blog that could be considered porn. Not porn strictly speaking; just a blog that I know to be sexy and thinking. Thinking about sex but thinking none the less.

Today I am not trolling those blogs very much, mostly writing and working around the house and trying to stay warm. Man there is a lot of work to get done around here. But it so cold outside that I find it very difficult to be out there very long. I think I have nearly frost bitten my fingers and toes riding my motorcycle in the cold and now they seem overly sensitive to cold, that or I am just a wimp.

I was looking up the sex rehab show and found that some of the rehabbers have blogs. Two of them are very well done and relative to their new lives, the others surprisingly not. I read some of their posts regarding their experience on the rehab show. The two good blogs are definitely worth reading.

…limitations

I don't troll "porn sites" any more… or do I?

I find this blog very interesting. Years ago it was a day to day accounting of the blgger's coffee-dates and 'parties', blow by blow literally. I stopped reading it some years ago, not because of that necessarily, but I drop in now and again. This blog has evolved remarkably over time. I refer to that evolution by saying it has matured… like a wine. Much of the "harshness" has mellowed. What used to be a running diary of butt sex, masturbation, orgies and, and, and evolved to include the stuff of a real life; tragedy and triumph, pain and happiness. I think it is a healthy mix. Some might argue about the magnitude of the sex practices that engaged in. But it is as likely to include sweet scenes about the blogger's kids at the park as it is a fairly comprehensive how to on fisting. The way this person talks about fisting makes me really want to try it. Not so much for the apparent orgasmic potential but the intimacy and closeness it is reported to create. It could be seen as 'more' than porn in as much as it has thoughtful content and is not gross raw sex without context. It is also visited by thinking people with good considered opinions and actual vocabularies. So I sort of think that it's not porn, more like sexy news and comment. I suppose it could be seen as 'less' as well since there isn't the gross (One man's gross is another 'entertainment' I suppose but…) eyeball infecting fuck parade of super colossal prosthetic cocks being run into 'Barely Legal Tight Teens'. Wow that stuff nauseates me. Nor does this blogger post naked pictures of them selves. So this blog is sort of like real life. Some days this blogger is a parent and some days this blogger is a slut. This was not supposed to be a blog review.

What I am wondering is this; Is this blog and others like it porn?

And but so is my situation like that of an alcoholic? Is sex, any sex, to much sex? If I read this blog am I likely to wake up three days later in a dumpster after having been beet up by a bunch of hookers with blisters on my dick, no money no wallet, no clothes, no self respect, all my credit cards maxed out to porn sites and online Love Missile Bone-on pha^rmaciuticals?

Can I handle this as long as I understand my limitations?

More importantly is it something that is tolerable to my sweety.

Or is this another thing that I need to let go of on my quest for total sobriety?

…why

I have been trying to understand the 'whys' of my compulsions/obsessions, which is being a slow process. I was watching Joyce Meyers' show yesterday and they were talking about some very similar topics. The result was sort of a redirect of one's energies. Don't get stuck on understanding why but ask what. What am I going to do about this problem? You might never understand the why's and if you are mired in the discovery of the why's of it you might never be able to move on.

That bit of 'advice' stuck with me. I was beginning to feel that I was compulsively thinking about my obsessions, which felt like a degenerative toriodal spinout, ultimately going nowhere fast.

I will try to embrace 'what' for a while.

…rough day

I had a rough day.

To start with my sweety is gone for the week. She is attending her daughter with her first baby… a girl.

My daughter is graduating boot-camp soon and I am dis-invited because… well that is a huge long ugly story. The plot points of which I have tried and tried to forgive but I am seemingly unable to. Each time this issue is brought up I find myself talking to myself in a fit of rage that inevitably leads to a feeling of self loathing and disgust that has me sliding down the razor's edge to a depressive state that persists for days and sometimes weeks. I feel this particular time may be worse because I am alone with my thoughts and the internet. I tend to act out in my addiction during times like these. With my sweety gone for the week there are no brakes on my behavior except my own strength of will… and look where that has gotten me in the past. To a certain extent this is no exception. I trolled to one of my favorite blog sites to see what I have been missing there in the last months. But I go to this blog because it, in all honesty, actually has "thought provoking articles". Not just the usual debached story one after another. It used to be this way at this blog but this blogger has 'matured' and writes about more real and ethereal things… mostly. But I digress.

I am fixated on breasts recently. And this week's circumstance is not helping one tiny bit. I can't seem to get them out of my mind for long. I watch TV to try to distract myself from them but well you know … there they are on TV. But by and large Myth Busters doesn't do too many sex related myths.

More white knuckle living… oh the joy

Sexy thoughts

I don't want this to start sounding like I am anti sex… I am not.

So I am thinking about the sex addiction thing and how it is becoming a more serious problem. People are losing their jobs their health and their lives over this. I suppose in that regard it's like any other addiction really. But it seems, and I have to agree, that sex addiction is a somewhat more intimate thing to discuss. Celebrities pop into and out of re-habs like fashionable restaurants anymore. And having been to drug or alcohol rehab is sort of a badge of honor. Sex addiction usually has the addict remarkably more ashamed than drug or alcohol addiction. In general most people with offer you a drink at a party at a bar and depending on the company you keep a line or a pill chaser. But in most cases they don't offer you the use of their wives or sisters for the evening.

So, but I was thinking about how there is this huge duality in America regarding sex. America's culture has historically been steeped in Puritanical belief structures. The "Proper" people would appear to be righteous and sexless. I can't even begin to innumerate the Senators and Congressmen and Spiritual leaders that have been destroyed because of sex scandals. So somehow sex is not good for power or authority or politics. But it would seem that somehow power and authority and politics is good for sex. Goofy looking guys in positions of power are getting it regularly, freely and I might add with women Way out of their league because of their position of power and authority. So, on the face of it, in America we are supposed to be moral and good which equates to chaste and pure. No politician is ever going to be elected with a known history of going to strip bars, watching porn or consorting with prostitutes. Heavens to Murgatroid that would be unseemly in the extreme. We cannot have our leaders having sex. That would be the same thing as thinking our parents were having sex. It seems that a sex life somehow infers that you are of low moral character and we certainly don't want that. There is the Stud vs. Gentleman, the Virtuous "Good" girl vs. Slut high school stuff. Much of that high school stuff is changing though anymore and speaking as a parent I am OH SO glad I got out of that alive.

So there is that. We as a nation are all the worst kind of twisted up about our sexuality. Only "freaks" are free to have a great sex life. But somehow Pornography as an industry is BOOMING! Somebody out there must be "getting' it". But only "freaks" are free to admit it. But Madison Ave is moving to change that. Madison Avenue has us in the palms of their hairy little hands. They sell us sex all day every day, especially in recent years. Pharmaceuticals have heralded the new wave of sexual revolutions several times. First was "The Pill". Sex without (much) worry, then came the "little blue Pill"s Viagra and Cialis. Sex on demand all night long but watch out for the dreaded four hour long erection. And now there's… Smilin' Bob and his Enzite, swinging the Long wood and the Extenze NASCAR and Indycar Racing team, and all those other sex enhancement products you see at the 7-11 counter. I suppose it only fair that "that certain part of the male anatomy" should fall prey to the same enhance-it fetish as breasts, bigger is better; If not surgically then chemically or mechanically. And more recently KY Jelly is getting into the game with their KY Intense 'personal lubricant'… supposed to enhance her pleasure. Make no mistake… I am ALL for her pleasure. Trojan is now marketing a little tiny finger tip vibrator sex toy now; oh no wait, it's a 'personal massager'. A couple years ago "Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall/Samantha Jones and Opra popularized the Jack Rabbit Vibrator. That had to be one of the most amazing sex toy marketing strategies EVER in the history of EVER. I wonder who the marketing genius was who masterminded that. He probably bought a country and moved there. There is a TV show on cable, late nights of course, "Shop Erotic". Hours of Home Shopping network style sex-toy sales. Two women extolling the benefits and the joys of the toys they are representing that night. Those are just some of the obvious/blatant sex things being thrust at us today. Sex is used in nearly every successful major advertising campaign. It doesn't matter what is being sold. Oh wait Political correctness has had its way with the "Snap On Calendar" No more sexy bikini models holding torque wrenches or impact drivers, but beer, cars and game shows sit-coms… sex is everywhere. Our favorite TV comedies ooze sex. The plots have the principals trying to get laid, desperately or regularly depending on the show and the character. Those who are getting laid make fun of those who are not. Nobody doesn't want to be getting laid. You are branded a looser if you are not getting laid. And those who are not be getting laid by choice claim a higher moral character and standard of principal. And I have two words for you INTERNET PORN. At no time in history has sex/porn been so free and easy to get in the comfort of your own home… own home… crap??? your own lap… top that is. And the ultimate in convenience… your front pocket in your cell phone. Where ever you go there it is. You can be in the middle of the central valley of California miles from any visible signs of civilization and you can get porn. Trust me I know. The sex addict is very far from a fix.

Update. I couldn't sleep the other night. I went to stop my brain by watching some TV. The first two bits of programming I saw were the Extenze race team and the KY Intense woman gushing geyser commercials… Just saying

Sex Rehab

So recently I was watching a recorded Mythbusters. After the Mythbusters was over there was a bit of the next show recorded. It was a show about Pompeii. We have all heard about Pompeii and Vesuvius and how the town was buried in an instant preserving a snap shot of the life and times of an ancient Roman city. A horribly terrifying snapshot but a snapshot none the less. I say that because the people are all couched and hiding from the Dragons and Tigers oh my… (Crouching tiger hidden dragon reference) No no no never mind that… the pyroclastic flow that buried the city. They none of them looked any sort of happy about it except possibly those who were at that very moment about to commit suicide. So any way I have seen and heard the story about Pompeii a million times and had no interest in the million and first time. But just as the recording was about to end there came a bit of extreme interest… Did you know that Pompeii was a seething hot bed of lust, sex and debauchery? I did not know this. It seems that in order to get funding for the excavation of the city they had to keep this aspect of the citizen's lives and times off the record so as not to offend the… somebodys who I don't know but seem easily offended by such things. So… but I saw this little leading bit and wanted to see more. So while I was looking up shows using keywords "sex" and "Pompeii" I came across the "Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski" show on VH1. I came across a lot of other interesting titles too but. It's a series. And apparently Dr. Drew has done several "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski shows"; Drugs, Alcohol and the like. The 'celebrity's' are not so very celebrated though. A more apt descriptor would be celebrityesque. But their problems look and sound real. I identified with much of what they are going through. It seems that this is the first time a Sex Rehab show has been done. I naturally thought maybe I better watch this; in the nick of case there are nuggets of good usable information that could help me with my issues. I know that sounds like the old line… "I am just buying 'it' for the articles dear", but I am seriously interested and not for the titillation factor. Though, I have to say for a show about sex addiction I think the choices of editing and advertising are a bit lacking in sound judgment. There was a KY Intense commercial and some of the inmates/patients dress VERY provocatively. I imagine this to be out of habit more than anything else and perhaps that is their only wardrobe. There was a "chapter" about the women's makeup and the "mask" they put on, so perhaps the clothing thing will be addressed also. But I have to say that full breasted women wondering the hallways without braziers and wearing only a thin fabric muumuu in what must be a refrigerated treatment facility is counterproductive to those who watch for the "right" reasons. There have been a couple comments from the male inmates about this sort of attire. But I don't think they are going to scream foul too loud of too long. Perhaps as the show goes on the women will come to see the effect they are having and become more modest about such things and change to more appropriate attire for such a co-ed treatment. Perhaps the Dr.'s will sort that kind of thing out. And if the guys truly have any integrity about getting better they will say something. I will watch for that to determine if this is for real "reality" or scripted "reality".

There was a show on daytime TV some years ago called "Starting Over". I found that show interesting and somewhat helpful. Principally for bringing up things to think about in ways I had not before. It also gave Us, my Lovely fiancé' and I, things to talk about regarding who we are as people and who we are in our relationship. This Dr. Drew show seems to follow that model. And I am hopeful that I will learn something and that my lovely fiancé' will learn and understand more about my issue as well. That last thing is something I am very much hope for.

I have to say the line below is the way I was going to open this post… which in my estimation sort of hides the true nature of how I came to be watching this show which I think would be a lie and a deception on my part about this issue for me. I think that hiding even little details that preserve an appearance of non-addictedness on my part is counterproductive in my effort to understand and deal with and ultimately control this in me.

So recently I am trolling the TV for stuff to watch and as I am surfing up the dial I stumble across the Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski. Oh my, says I, what sort of crap is this going to be…