Sex and the abyssal of Hell

For me sex is a great and wonderful thing. I imagine it is like that for most people but… for some people it is an addictive thing. Like most any other thing, alcohol or video games or work people can balance that into their live in a healthy way. Some people can not… I can not. If I am left to my own devices I will sit and pursue sex in every way imaginable. I will troll for sex chat at the Yahoo Messenger, I will sit and design then build sex toys, I will troll porn typically starting with artistic nudes and winding up looking at the "farm channel". I would burn down megabit after megabit in down loads of webcam and posted videos. I would sit and read sex blogs endlessly. I would have accounts on most every dating site there is but more likely the more pervy ones… you get the picture.

I found this out the hard way some time ago. I left my sweety and did that what you see above and more. One night I was in a Yahoo messenger chat with who knows what and chatting things that disgusted even me but I was in it till the end… a 3:00 am end, with a 6:00 am wake up time for work. It was at that moment that I realized I had done that for the last three nights in a row and didn't see it stopping any time soon. This was "too" much fun!

The picture that came to mind was me sitting in the front row of the balcony section at a theater with no wall or railing in front and no theater either just the fiery abyss of hell reaching up to me.

… from the previous post… I seem to have a weak sex braking mechanism.

wow...

I had not looked at my blog for a long time. I said some time ago that I am naturally a lazy person but this is ridiculous. Until just very recently I have not been screaming busy... (I am now though and might even get paid for it... accent on might). I read a great book watched a LOT of TV. For those who ware commenting and following I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. I didn't even know I had commentary. I would certainly have been writing more had I known that. Commentary makes this more worth doing... more interactive sort of. I got some very nice comments, Thank yo very much for those... and a spam, never seen that before. Gobs of spam in email but never have I seen it on my unknown blog.

I had a fight with a bout of back sliding... I found my self obsessed with a porn video I saw a Long time ago... some time last summer. I made it a quest to find it again and for a time tried to find a way to down load it. After a few days of that I got bored with that and fell back in line with my sobriety. I have determined, as much as any one can determine what constitutes sobriety for them selves, that my sobriety is not having contact with a woman I had the red hots for for a very long time. I denied it to every one and my self. I "claimed" that I wanted to be "just friends". I had a MOUNTAIN of reasons and rationalizations for the "friendship" but in the end it was not good for me. I hate that I ended it the way I did but now that it has been almost a year and a half or more I cant call and explain myself that would be counter productive and well I don't think I would stay sober after that... better this way sort of. As for Porn... I find my self drawn to it on lonely nights but its boring to me now. There is a draw but its boring and its a time sink. I did find the porn video and I book marked a link to it. I look at the link and sort of now it has become a symbol of what I need to NOT do on the internet.

The more you know

I as I said I have been reading up on sexual anorexia. I think I flipped from sex addiction to sex anorexia. It fits a bit better with how I am feeling now. In sex addiction addicts cannot control their sexual activities. Which is how I used to run my life or should I say how my 'life' ran me. The woman I love and who loves me IS open and available to me. I have no excuse for any of this other than I feel trapped by fear of rejection. The feelings that come from rejections are bone crushing. From The List #3: So I imagine rationalize scenarios in my head that allow me to forgo the intimacy with the woman I love to avoid the hurt. I am depriving her of the intimacy she looks to me for also. But in my head I imagine that she doesn't want intimacy with me because I am foul and unlovable. I rationalize that she works hard and comes home late and doesn't want to be accosted by me at the door all horny and humping her leg. Which is how I view my attempts to be intimate with her. Even th0ugh in reality I am probably so timid about it that she likely doesn't even notice my efforts or I am so pent-up that I not so subtle. I feel hurt by her apparent lack of interest in what I am going through. I have been VERY open and verbal about all this with her. I have written her letters many time and she still doesn't seem interested. Maybe I wouldn't either if she had some 'weird' eating disorder or other. I don't know. I like to think I would support her but I don't know.

I have to start trying to take chances.

…limitations

I don't troll "porn sites" any more… or do I?

I find this blog very interesting. Years ago it was a day to day accounting of the blgger's coffee-dates and 'parties', blow by blow literally. I stopped reading it some years ago, not because of that necessarily, but I drop in now and again. This blog has evolved remarkably over time. I refer to that evolution by saying it has matured… like a wine. Much of the "harshness" has mellowed. What used to be a running diary of butt sex, masturbation, orgies and, and, and evolved to include the stuff of a real life; tragedy and triumph, pain and happiness. I think it is a healthy mix. Some might argue about the magnitude of the sex practices that engaged in. But it is as likely to include sweet scenes about the blogger's kids at the park as it is a fairly comprehensive how to on fisting. The way this person talks about fisting makes me really want to try it. Not so much for the apparent orgasmic potential but the intimacy and closeness it is reported to create. It could be seen as 'more' than porn in as much as it has thoughtful content and is not gross raw sex without context. It is also visited by thinking people with good considered opinions and actual vocabularies. So I sort of think that it's not porn, more like sexy news and comment. I suppose it could be seen as 'less' as well since there isn't the gross (One man's gross is another 'entertainment' I suppose but…) eyeball infecting fuck parade of super colossal prosthetic cocks being run into 'Barely Legal Tight Teens'. Wow that stuff nauseates me. Nor does this blogger post naked pictures of them selves. So this blog is sort of like real life. Some days this blogger is a parent and some days this blogger is a slut. This was not supposed to be a blog review.

What I am wondering is this; Is this blog and others like it porn?

And but so is my situation like that of an alcoholic? Is sex, any sex, to much sex? If I read this blog am I likely to wake up three days later in a dumpster after having been beet up by a bunch of hookers with blisters on my dick, no money no wallet, no clothes, no self respect, all my credit cards maxed out to porn sites and online Love Missile Bone-on pha^rmaciuticals?

Can I handle this as long as I understand my limitations?

More importantly is it something that is tolerable to my sweety.

Or is this another thing that I need to let go of on my quest for total sobriety?

…lines

Where is the line between a good healthy enthusiastic sex life and an addicted one? What does that line look like? Surely a healthy sex life shouldn't be boring "man on top get it over with quick".

If I direct my enthusiasm for sex at just my sweety can't that be a healthy sex life?

How do I define my sobriety? Is it not looking at porn on the internet, not lusting after other women, not masturbating, not fantasizing, not sex toys? All of that, some of that? Something I don't even know about that I do that I shouldn't be doing?

Internet porn is boring… a quick fix. It's a hit that lasts about 30 seconds. And recently I find it more and more repugnant. It makes me angry. Sort of like I hate that I have that ring in my nose and can be jerked around by it. But isn't that sort of part of the male condition of living… naked women… got to look. I hate that. I would like to think that I have more control than that, that I am more 'evolved'. Perhaps not. Perhaps in time.

So...

Lusting after other women… I have never really done that except one woman, and I am well past that. A year sober on that. More on that to be sure lots of feelings there but I am over it. None of the residual feelings are lustful or regretful except that I wish I hadn't gone there and caused so much hurt to all involved.

Masturbating… I am sober on that for over a year. And well over it also. Embarrassingly enough I can't seem to anymore anyway. And it always left me feeling even more empty than before the "craves" lead me there.

Fantasizing… I don't do much of that any more but when I do it's just my sweety. And it's just a few things… but I fear that if I indulge that fantasy muscle then the fantasy world would explode and be back to where it was before out of control. So I purposefully self sensor that except a few remaining points.

Sex toys… I threw away, easily, $2000.00 worth of toys both purchased and made by me over a year ago. I will say that I still love the idea of sex toys though.

…why

I have been trying to understand the 'whys' of my compulsions/obsessions, which is being a slow process. I was watching Joyce Meyers' show yesterday and they were talking about some very similar topics. The result was sort of a redirect of one's energies. Don't get stuck on understanding why but ask what. What am I going to do about this problem? You might never understand the why's and if you are mired in the discovery of the why's of it you might never be able to move on.

That bit of 'advice' stuck with me. I was beginning to feel that I was compulsively thinking about my obsessions, which felt like a degenerative toriodal spinout, ultimately going nowhere fast.

I will try to embrace 'what' for a while.

…still more on breasts

Why are breasts nearly universally appreciated as beautiful? I wonder that it might be some societal thing about "western culture". I wonder that in aboriginal and tribal areas of the world that breasts are not 'worshiped' as much as in America. Some things appear to be universally perceived. Spiders and sharks are almost universally perceived as frightening.

Americans or western cultures seem to be obsessed with larger breasts. Tribal cultures don't appear to be.

On national Geographic Specials of South American Amazonian tribal peoples the women go about without covering their breasts. The men in the tribes don't seem to be very excited about it.

Why do men crave the breasts? Why would an adult man desire to suck a woman's breasts / nipples? That would seem like something an infant would do.

I wonder that I am so curious about this in an attempt to understand the attraction if I could understand it I could be less obsessed by them.

…more on breasts.

Why are men so obsessed with them? As I said before they are just fat pads surrounding modified sweat glands.

But why do men want to hold them, squeeze them, play motorboat in them… ? I don't know but I am guessing that women don't necessarily find all or any of that stuff pleasant.

Ron white made the observation that men just can't see enough of them. If guy was to be asked if he want to see a woman's breasts no matter the breasts even an "old biker chick" "You wanna see me neked?"... "Yea I do" "Alright that's enough… roll'em back up" Most men would agree with this… "If you have seen one woman neked… you… wanna see the rest of 'em"

UPDATE

I was trolling blogs the other day and found an answer to this question. It makes some sense I suppose. I preferred it to be an unanswered question but here is where I found the answer.

breasts

What is so special about breasts? Anatomically speaking they are simply modified sweat glands padded with fat. Why then are they so… um compelling and distracting. Why is bigger better? In general cleavage does not exist in nature. How did cleavage become so popular?

I witnessed an interesting scene the other day. I was doing a favor for my fiancé' in a place where you might expect to find pretty women. These particular women were preparing for an open house. One of the women was standing in front of a mirror adjusting her breasts in her little black dress. She was lifting them and pressing together and fluffing the collar of the dress to lie nicely on and to expose her cleavage. Why would she do this? Who is she putting on this show for? She is certain to draw attention, but what sort of attention is she hoping to draw? Why is it that so many women will go to great lengths to preen, primp and put on this display? Why do women get angry when men are drawn to her efforts and 'comment' on or react to her prominently displayed physical attributes? "Eyes… up here buddy." Or "Talk to me not my tits" Surely women know men are very drawn to breasts and exposed cleavage. Why would they purposely display their breasts this way? Victoria's Secret and Fredric's of Hollywood make who know how many millions of dollars to help in this effort. Water bras, Pushup bras, padded bras, demi-cup… all designed to give a fuller sexier appearance.

To me make up is just a step behind deep cleavage confusion department. Lipstick especially red lipstick is an attempt to emulate a sexually available display of animals in heat. Mascara is intended to create more action around the eyes to draw attention to them. You recall the Jurassic Park line where the Dr. Alan Grant says "Don't move… the Tyrannosaurus won't see you if you don't move". This is true for men as well they are attracted to things that move. This explains the fascination for The Giggle factor on TV. The colorizing of the skin around the eyes with highlights and shadows creates more contrast between the face and eyes adding depth and implied motion for the eyes. Also the higher contrast of the darker lashes and the white of the eye give a more youthful and healthy appearance. The longer lashes cause the facial dimensions to be more childlike; Larger eyes smaller face. Like Kittens and puppies; that youthful innocent look.

I can see all of this if you are on the hunt… if you are looking for a mate, looking to get laid.

Don't get me wrong I am all for being attractive and pretty or handsome… but overt sexuality?

Sexy thoughts

I don't want this to start sounding like I am anti sex… I am not.

So I am thinking about the sex addiction thing and how it is becoming a more serious problem. People are losing their jobs their health and their lives over this. I suppose in that regard it's like any other addiction really. But it seems, and I have to agree, that sex addiction is a somewhat more intimate thing to discuss. Celebrities pop into and out of re-habs like fashionable restaurants anymore. And having been to drug or alcohol rehab is sort of a badge of honor. Sex addiction usually has the addict remarkably more ashamed than drug or alcohol addiction. In general most people with offer you a drink at a party at a bar and depending on the company you keep a line or a pill chaser. But in most cases they don't offer you the use of their wives or sisters for the evening.

So, but I was thinking about how there is this huge duality in America regarding sex. America's culture has historically been steeped in Puritanical belief structures. The "Proper" people would appear to be righteous and sexless. I can't even begin to innumerate the Senators and Congressmen and Spiritual leaders that have been destroyed because of sex scandals. So somehow sex is not good for power or authority or politics. But it would seem that somehow power and authority and politics is good for sex. Goofy looking guys in positions of power are getting it regularly, freely and I might add with women Way out of their league because of their position of power and authority. So, on the face of it, in America we are supposed to be moral and good which equates to chaste and pure. No politician is ever going to be elected with a known history of going to strip bars, watching porn or consorting with prostitutes. Heavens to Murgatroid that would be unseemly in the extreme. We cannot have our leaders having sex. That would be the same thing as thinking our parents were having sex. It seems that a sex life somehow infers that you are of low moral character and we certainly don't want that. There is the Stud vs. Gentleman, the Virtuous "Good" girl vs. Slut high school stuff. Much of that high school stuff is changing though anymore and speaking as a parent I am OH SO glad I got out of that alive.

So there is that. We as a nation are all the worst kind of twisted up about our sexuality. Only "freaks" are free to have a great sex life. But somehow Pornography as an industry is BOOMING! Somebody out there must be "getting' it". But only "freaks" are free to admit it. But Madison Ave is moving to change that. Madison Avenue has us in the palms of their hairy little hands. They sell us sex all day every day, especially in recent years. Pharmaceuticals have heralded the new wave of sexual revolutions several times. First was "The Pill". Sex without (much) worry, then came the "little blue Pill"s Viagra and Cialis. Sex on demand all night long but watch out for the dreaded four hour long erection. And now there's… Smilin' Bob and his Enzite, swinging the Long wood and the Extenze NASCAR and Indycar Racing team, and all those other sex enhancement products you see at the 7-11 counter. I suppose it only fair that "that certain part of the male anatomy" should fall prey to the same enhance-it fetish as breasts, bigger is better; If not surgically then chemically or mechanically. And more recently KY Jelly is getting into the game with their KY Intense 'personal lubricant'… supposed to enhance her pleasure. Make no mistake… I am ALL for her pleasure. Trojan is now marketing a little tiny finger tip vibrator sex toy now; oh no wait, it's a 'personal massager'. A couple years ago "Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall/Samantha Jones and Opra popularized the Jack Rabbit Vibrator. That had to be one of the most amazing sex toy marketing strategies EVER in the history of EVER. I wonder who the marketing genius was who masterminded that. He probably bought a country and moved there. There is a TV show on cable, late nights of course, "Shop Erotic". Hours of Home Shopping network style sex-toy sales. Two women extolling the benefits and the joys of the toys they are representing that night. Those are just some of the obvious/blatant sex things being thrust at us today. Sex is used in nearly every successful major advertising campaign. It doesn't matter what is being sold. Oh wait Political correctness has had its way with the "Snap On Calendar" No more sexy bikini models holding torque wrenches or impact drivers, but beer, cars and game shows sit-coms… sex is everywhere. Our favorite TV comedies ooze sex. The plots have the principals trying to get laid, desperately or regularly depending on the show and the character. Those who are getting laid make fun of those who are not. Nobody doesn't want to be getting laid. You are branded a looser if you are not getting laid. And those who are not be getting laid by choice claim a higher moral character and standard of principal. And I have two words for you INTERNET PORN. At no time in history has sex/porn been so free and easy to get in the comfort of your own home… own home… crap??? your own lap… top that is. And the ultimate in convenience… your front pocket in your cell phone. Where ever you go there it is. You can be in the middle of the central valley of California miles from any visible signs of civilization and you can get porn. Trust me I know. The sex addict is very far from a fix.

Update. I couldn't sleep the other night. I went to stop my brain by watching some TV. The first two bits of programming I saw were the Extenze race team and the KY Intense woman gushing geyser commercials… Just saying

Sex Rehab

So recently I was watching a recorded Mythbusters. After the Mythbusters was over there was a bit of the next show recorded. It was a show about Pompeii. We have all heard about Pompeii and Vesuvius and how the town was buried in an instant preserving a snap shot of the life and times of an ancient Roman city. A horribly terrifying snapshot but a snapshot none the less. I say that because the people are all couched and hiding from the Dragons and Tigers oh my… (Crouching tiger hidden dragon reference) No no no never mind that… the pyroclastic flow that buried the city. They none of them looked any sort of happy about it except possibly those who were at that very moment about to commit suicide. So any way I have seen and heard the story about Pompeii a million times and had no interest in the million and first time. But just as the recording was about to end there came a bit of extreme interest… Did you know that Pompeii was a seething hot bed of lust, sex and debauchery? I did not know this. It seems that in order to get funding for the excavation of the city they had to keep this aspect of the citizen's lives and times off the record so as not to offend the… somebodys who I don't know but seem easily offended by such things. So… but I saw this little leading bit and wanted to see more. So while I was looking up shows using keywords "sex" and "Pompeii" I came across the "Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski" show on VH1. I came across a lot of other interesting titles too but. It's a series. And apparently Dr. Drew has done several "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski shows"; Drugs, Alcohol and the like. The 'celebrity's' are not so very celebrated though. A more apt descriptor would be celebrityesque. But their problems look and sound real. I identified with much of what they are going through. It seems that this is the first time a Sex Rehab show has been done. I naturally thought maybe I better watch this; in the nick of case there are nuggets of good usable information that could help me with my issues. I know that sounds like the old line… "I am just buying 'it' for the articles dear", but I am seriously interested and not for the titillation factor. Though, I have to say for a show about sex addiction I think the choices of editing and advertising are a bit lacking in sound judgment. There was a KY Intense commercial and some of the inmates/patients dress VERY provocatively. I imagine this to be out of habit more than anything else and perhaps that is their only wardrobe. There was a "chapter" about the women's makeup and the "mask" they put on, so perhaps the clothing thing will be addressed also. But I have to say that full breasted women wondering the hallways without braziers and wearing only a thin fabric muumuu in what must be a refrigerated treatment facility is counterproductive to those who watch for the "right" reasons. There have been a couple comments from the male inmates about this sort of attire. But I don't think they are going to scream foul too loud of too long. Perhaps as the show goes on the women will come to see the effect they are having and become more modest about such things and change to more appropriate attire for such a co-ed treatment. Perhaps the Dr.'s will sort that kind of thing out. And if the guys truly have any integrity about getting better they will say something. I will watch for that to determine if this is for real "reality" or scripted "reality".

There was a show on daytime TV some years ago called "Starting Over". I found that show interesting and somewhat helpful. Principally for bringing up things to think about in ways I had not before. It also gave Us, my Lovely fiancé' and I, things to talk about regarding who we are as people and who we are in our relationship. This Dr. Drew show seems to follow that model. And I am hopeful that I will learn something and that my lovely fiancé' will learn and understand more about my issue as well. That last thing is something I am very much hope for.

I have to say the line below is the way I was going to open this post… which in my estimation sort of hides the true nature of how I came to be watching this show which I think would be a lie and a deception on my part about this issue for me. I think that hiding even little details that preserve an appearance of non-addictedness on my part is counterproductive in my effort to understand and deal with and ultimately control this in me.

So recently I am trolling the TV for stuff to watch and as I am surfing up the dial I stumble across the Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski. Oh my, says I, what sort of crap is this going to be…

happiness

God, I want to be happy. Help me be happy. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I be normal?

Today is a bad day... why? I am not happy and I am not normal and I hate my self!

I read somewhere that thanks to the internet , sex is now boring.

Holy Smokes I read this article today that hit the nail on the head with near completely perfect accuracy!
Please read it! It is MOST illuminating. This is the caution to pornography argument that I have been making for years. There is no real data that suggest that unregulated porn access causes an increase in sex crimes which is the usual BS argument. In fact there is lots of data that points the opposite way. But the thing that I found after living in a sex soaked stupor for years was exactly what this article talks about Reality sex VS Porn Fantasy sex. It sort of boils down to a thing called expectation management. Unless you are involved with a partner who is as into porn as you are... then porn is likely to become a problem in your relationship. Maybe not now, maybe not soon but eventually. If however you find your self in a relationship with some one like minded in the porn area... consider it very carefully before you rock that boat. That equality may be very difficult to find again! I am a big fan of porn... but I am subject to its addictive qualities. *** I *** Ruined my marriage with it. After years of self analysis I take full responsibility for that debacle.

I would only add this to the article. Sex Addiction is a like Alcohol addiction this way; not everyone is predisposed to be an alcoholic. Some can drink one drink at dinner on occasion and have liquor in the house with no compulsion to consume all of it at once, once they start. Some people cannot. Some people drink till they pass out… regularly. They ruin their health. They spend more on booze than their budget honestly allows. They lose their jobs drinking on the job. Similarly with porn, online or otherwise, there are men, and women it seems, that will spend loads of money on online porn site memberships, more than they have to spend. They will lose their jobs because they trolled porn online at work.

There are some guys and gals that are likely to become addicted and some that are not. Also I think with “sex addiction” the triggers are more prevalent. There are more women walking around to look at, to rate their ‘doability’ index, to objectify, and fantasize about their breasts…butts… than there are liquor ads or stores so the incidence of dealing with sexual triggers is higher with sex addiction. And advertising uses sex like they use the letter E. This leads to a situation of habit building through repetition.

The metaphor of having to hunt for your food and cooking it over an open fire seeming to make it taste better comes to mind. The ability to get Fat and sugar into your diet used to be DARN tough. You had to run down the fat bearing animal and kill it. Using a stick and a rock made that a long labor intensive process. In general it cost almost as many calories to kill and eat an animal as was in the animal. Now you can just drop into any of thousands of fast food places and get Lots of fat and sugar... fast, easy and cheap. (Fast, easy, cheap... remind you of any one???) Fat and sugar taste good for a reason . You need them in your diet but only a little and because it used to be darn difficult to get into your diet it was sort of self regulating.

Now with Porn shops in every teeny tiny town you can get lots of fast, easy, cheap "sex" into your life... and just like eating too much fat and sugar... it may not be good for you. That's not to say that once in a while fast, easy cheap sex isn't great, a steady diet of it... not so much.

Bottom line porn can be hurtful in an unbalanced relationship. It’s a long and slippery slope. (Long and slippery... never mind me...) Nothing about it is easy.