wow...

I had not looked at my blog for a long time. I said some time ago that I am naturally a lazy person but this is ridiculous. Until just very recently I have not been screaming busy... (I am now though and might even get paid for it... accent on might). I read a great book watched a LOT of TV. For those who ware commenting and following I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. I didn't even know I had commentary. I would certainly have been writing more had I known that. Commentary makes this more worth doing... more interactive sort of. I got some very nice comments, Thank yo very much for those... and a spam, never seen that before. Gobs of spam in email but never have I seen it on my unknown blog.

I had a fight with a bout of back sliding... I found my self obsessed with a porn video I saw a Long time ago... some time last summer. I made it a quest to find it again and for a time tried to find a way to down load it. After a few days of that I got bored with that and fell back in line with my sobriety. I have determined, as much as any one can determine what constitutes sobriety for them selves, that my sobriety is not having contact with a woman I had the red hots for for a very long time. I denied it to every one and my self. I "claimed" that I wanted to be "just friends". I had a MOUNTAIN of reasons and rationalizations for the "friendship" but in the end it was not good for me. I hate that I ended it the way I did but now that it has been almost a year and a half or more I cant call and explain myself that would be counter productive and well I don't think I would stay sober after that... better this way sort of. As for Porn... I find my self drawn to it on lonely nights but its boring to me now. There is a draw but its boring and its a time sink. I did find the porn video and I book marked a link to it. I look at the link and sort of now it has become a symbol of what I need to NOT do on the internet.

Sex rehabing

So I watched the 7th installment of the Sex-rehab. I was impossibly disappointed for two reasons. 1: This was the penultimate episode. And 2: Kari Ann and her 'drama' hijacked the whole darn show. There were 4 epiphany moments where I learned something Duncan Roy, Jennie Ketchum, Amber Smith and Phil Verone had moments that were worth seeing. More of the time, questions and the therapy surrounding those moments could have been GREAT! I was hoping for so much more. By showing more moments like those and editing fairly they could have kept the drama down and the benefit to the viewers up. And the interest level could have been just as high. The editors and the producers really needed to understand what it was they could have been doing with this show. The rehab shows could be so much better and so helpful. I don't think these types of shows need drama to make them worth watching. Those moments with Varone and Roy and Smith were amazingly heartwarming. All the Kari Ann Drama was simply infuriating. These shows could be Reality TV truly worth watching not just more none-reality-reality waste of airtime. I don't know which is better to get a bunch of people blogging and crabbing about the drama or a bunch of people blogging about how great the show was and how helpful it was for them in their lives. Perhaps they didn't want to be giving away Jill's and Dr. Drew's work or something. Why bother with a show like this, why bother going on to expose yourself to the 'world' your sex-addiction if you weren't trying to help someone. I read somewhere that there was a significant pay-check involved. Oh boy… more "Follow the money". I hope for better next time.

And the answer is…

I guess I have my answer… any sex is too much sex. I really hate being alive today. Being a depressive type any way the thought that I will be vexed by this condition the rest of my life is a bit too much to tolerate just now.

The more you know

I as I said I have been reading up on sexual anorexia. I think I flipped from sex addiction to sex anorexia. It fits a bit better with how I am feeling now. In sex addiction addicts cannot control their sexual activities. Which is how I used to run my life or should I say how my 'life' ran me. The woman I love and who loves me IS open and available to me. I have no excuse for any of this other than I feel trapped by fear of rejection. The feelings that come from rejections are bone crushing. From The List #3: So I imagine rationalize scenarios in my head that allow me to forgo the intimacy with the woman I love to avoid the hurt. I am depriving her of the intimacy she looks to me for also. But in my head I imagine that she doesn't want intimacy with me because I am foul and unlovable. I rationalize that she works hard and comes home late and doesn't want to be accosted by me at the door all horny and humping her leg. Which is how I view my attempts to be intimate with her. Even th0ugh in reality I am probably so timid about it that she likely doesn't even notice my efforts or I am so pent-up that I not so subtle. I feel hurt by her apparent lack of interest in what I am going through. I have been VERY open and verbal about all this with her. I have written her letters many time and she still doesn't seem interested. Maybe I wouldn't either if she had some 'weird' eating disorder or other. I don't know. I like to think I would support her but I don't know.

I have to start trying to take chances.

…sex rehab-2

So I watched the sex-rehab show today and have lost a great deal of respect for staff. Not so much Selma but for Dr. Drew and the people watching the daily video taken. And they surely are watching this footage. Somehow I think that they should have seen this or something like this coming. ALL of the staff should have been involved in meetings about the progress of the patients. Kari's behavior would surely have been at the top of that list of things to discuss. Selma should have A: received some more coaching or counseling as to how to handle extremely resistant patients. B: been replaced as the "ward nurse" for a period of time or the remainder of the show before this situation escalated to the level of termination. C: been told to walk away and report any and all of Kari Ann's offensive behavior. At the very least the Dr.'s should have been on Kari Ann before they had to fire someone because of her problems. I saw this coming and I am no professional.

This form of acting out must be a coping mechanism that Kari Ann developed long ago when she was being abused. I believe that Kari Ann has employed this mechanism before, and effectively. Kari Ann pushes and pushes and pushes anybody that get's 'in her face', until that person father, boyfriend, teacher, anyone calling her to be responsible or reasonable, just gives up and goes away or retaliates. If they go away go away she doesn't have deal with the person in her face or be responsible. Problem solved. If the person retaliates she can claim to be the sympathetic victim and those around her will lavish her with sympathy, love and attention which she craves. The person in her face is goes away… again, and again, she no longer needs to deal with the person in her face or her responsibilities. And again problem solved. With her looks and the sweet charm she can affect this is a perfect mechanism for her to employ.

I was sort of hoping to get some tools that I could use to work through my addiction from this show. This is not one of them. I am beginning to think that the only thing I will get is irritated. Last week Kari Ann seemed to be on the verge of getting a grip on her pathology. Her Perfect smile cracked… a bit. That progress seems to have evaporated.

Don't get me wrong about her. I feel for her pain, I do. But I don't think she does. But maybe she can't… yet. I hope she can snap into it soon before I have to quit watching.

I think Kari Ann should read the list from my previous post. I imagine she has participated in all or most of the list. I know I have. Speaking of that list I found that on a Polyamory FAQ page while I was investigating sexual dysfunction. I was stunned by how much of the list I had mastered Long ago. And am embarrassed by how much of it I still use. Those tips work, I promise. By employing them myself I managed to destroy my marriage, cripple my life and definitely impact my daughter's life in a very negative way. If this were a computer game I would have the HIGH score. I thought I invented some of that stuff. Particularly 2, 3, 4, 7 and 8. I am personally employing strategy 7 just now. I can see it happening. I know it's counterproductive in the extreme. It feels like I am trapped, riding along inside some another body. I don't want to be doing this but I can't find the over ride button or the eject handle.

I have been reading about sexual anorexia. Holly smokes maybe this fits me better. I am beginning to sound like a hypochondriac. But the fear of rejection and criticism line nails me. It is excruciating.

Is there a sexual bulimia?

This week…

This has been a tough week.

My sweety is gone for the week. One of my addiction triggers has something to do with abandonment. I have a very difficult time alone. I tend to 'act out' in my addiction when I am stressed this way. I started out the beginning of the week pretty much ok. By midweek I was trolling a blog that could be considered porn. Not porn strictly speaking; just a blog that I know to be sexy and thinking. Thinking about sex but thinking none the less.

Today I am not trolling those blogs very much, mostly writing and working around the house and trying to stay warm. Man there is a lot of work to get done around here. But it so cold outside that I find it very difficult to be out there very long. I think I have nearly frost bitten my fingers and toes riding my motorcycle in the cold and now they seem overly sensitive to cold, that or I am just a wimp.

I was looking up the sex rehab show and found that some of the rehabbers have blogs. Two of them are very well done and relative to their new lives, the others surprisingly not. I read some of their posts regarding their experience on the rehab show. The two good blogs are definitely worth reading.

…limitations

I don't troll "porn sites" any more… or do I?

I find this blog very interesting. Years ago it was a day to day accounting of the blgger's coffee-dates and 'parties', blow by blow literally. I stopped reading it some years ago, not because of that necessarily, but I drop in now and again. This blog has evolved remarkably over time. I refer to that evolution by saying it has matured… like a wine. Much of the "harshness" has mellowed. What used to be a running diary of butt sex, masturbation, orgies and, and, and evolved to include the stuff of a real life; tragedy and triumph, pain and happiness. I think it is a healthy mix. Some might argue about the magnitude of the sex practices that engaged in. But it is as likely to include sweet scenes about the blogger's kids at the park as it is a fairly comprehensive how to on fisting. The way this person talks about fisting makes me really want to try it. Not so much for the apparent orgasmic potential but the intimacy and closeness it is reported to create. It could be seen as 'more' than porn in as much as it has thoughtful content and is not gross raw sex without context. It is also visited by thinking people with good considered opinions and actual vocabularies. So I sort of think that it's not porn, more like sexy news and comment. I suppose it could be seen as 'less' as well since there isn't the gross (One man's gross is another 'entertainment' I suppose but…) eyeball infecting fuck parade of super colossal prosthetic cocks being run into 'Barely Legal Tight Teens'. Wow that stuff nauseates me. Nor does this blogger post naked pictures of them selves. So this blog is sort of like real life. Some days this blogger is a parent and some days this blogger is a slut. This was not supposed to be a blog review.

What I am wondering is this; Is this blog and others like it porn?

And but so is my situation like that of an alcoholic? Is sex, any sex, to much sex? If I read this blog am I likely to wake up three days later in a dumpster after having been beet up by a bunch of hookers with blisters on my dick, no money no wallet, no clothes, no self respect, all my credit cards maxed out to porn sites and online Love Missile Bone-on pha^rmaciuticals?

Can I handle this as long as I understand my limitations?

More importantly is it something that is tolerable to my sweety.

Or is this another thing that I need to let go of on my quest for total sobriety?

…lines

Where is the line between a good healthy enthusiastic sex life and an addicted one? What does that line look like? Surely a healthy sex life shouldn't be boring "man on top get it over with quick".

If I direct my enthusiasm for sex at just my sweety can't that be a healthy sex life?

How do I define my sobriety? Is it not looking at porn on the internet, not lusting after other women, not masturbating, not fantasizing, not sex toys? All of that, some of that? Something I don't even know about that I do that I shouldn't be doing?

Internet porn is boring… a quick fix. It's a hit that lasts about 30 seconds. And recently I find it more and more repugnant. It makes me angry. Sort of like I hate that I have that ring in my nose and can be jerked around by it. But isn't that sort of part of the male condition of living… naked women… got to look. I hate that. I would like to think that I have more control than that, that I am more 'evolved'. Perhaps not. Perhaps in time.

So...

Lusting after other women… I have never really done that except one woman, and I am well past that. A year sober on that. More on that to be sure lots of feelings there but I am over it. None of the residual feelings are lustful or regretful except that I wish I hadn't gone there and caused so much hurt to all involved.

Masturbating… I am sober on that for over a year. And well over it also. Embarrassingly enough I can't seem to anymore anyway. And it always left me feeling even more empty than before the "craves" lead me there.

Fantasizing… I don't do much of that any more but when I do it's just my sweety. And it's just a few things… but I fear that if I indulge that fantasy muscle then the fantasy world would explode and be back to where it was before out of control. So I purposefully self sensor that except a few remaining points.

Sex toys… I threw away, easily, $2000.00 worth of toys both purchased and made by me over a year ago. I will say that I still love the idea of sex toys though.

…forgiveness

I wrote something in the last post about forgiveness. Then shortly after I flipped on the TV Shatter's Raw Nerve was on and the topic of discussion was forgiveness… more specifically self forgiveness. The person being interviewed said that if or when they were able to forgive themselves then forgiving others would be a piece of cake.

Perhaps someday…

…more on breasts.

Why are men so obsessed with them? As I said before they are just fat pads surrounding modified sweat glands.

But why do men want to hold them, squeeze them, play motorboat in them… ? I don't know but I am guessing that women don't necessarily find all or any of that stuff pleasant.

Ron white made the observation that men just can't see enough of them. If guy was to be asked if he want to see a woman's breasts no matter the breasts even an "old biker chick" "You wanna see me neked?"... "Yea I do" "Alright that's enough… roll'em back up" Most men would agree with this… "If you have seen one woman neked… you… wanna see the rest of 'em"

UPDATE

I was trolling blogs the other day and found an answer to this question. It makes some sense I suppose. I preferred it to be an unanswered question but here is where I found the answer.

… so to explain

My last post was some what goofy and out of left field. Not that it was in any way not an accurate depiction of my day or my feelings as a whole lately. What I have sloooowly been getting to in my head is that I am a sex addict. I have seen a show on the Discovery Channel titled Hypersexual Behavior several times. It is the story/documentary of three "officially / medically" diagnosed Sex addicts and some people who are flirting with the notion of what that is and maybe they aught to take notice of their behavior a little more closely. I have seen the show before several time because well seeing the title what was I supposed to do… Hello sex addict! The first time I saw it I thought that is not me… I have not gone out and paid prostitutes, picked up runaway girls or any other extreme behaviors that were being shown… BUT I did spend an inordinate amount of time online 'trolling' for sex chats and porn sites. I am the master of rationalization and so I rationalized that away as that I was a guy and guys are into sex. Not letting the idea that no other guy that I knew was doing any of the things that I was. At that time I was the "Shop Pervert". By that I mean that in the group of guys I know I was the Way Out there and admitted and proud of it pervert of the group. I was participating in a Wide range of "interesting" activities… Dungeon Play parties, Swinging, poly-amorous relationships, BDSM play, Slave auctions, making sex toys Lots of toys and the list goes on and on. All that to say this; this time I watched it and heard very different things than I had in the past. In the past I heard that 'the guy' I most identified with had met a woman that had understood about his addiction and some how was ok with it. I determined that I needed the woman in my life to understand my addiction and be ok with it. That would let me totally off the hook as it were to pursue my addiction as I pleased and her to be ok with it. That didn't work no mater how hard I tried to force the situation.

I have always said that I think sex addiction is situational I still believe that… If two sex addicts find each other and fall in love and live together the sex addiction is not likely to be a huge issue… just my thinking.

But so I didn't fall in love with a sex addict… probably fortunately for me. I saw this time in the show 'my guy' say that the sex addiction was the hardest addiction he had ever had to deal with. He had quit smoking a variety of drugs including cocaine and heroin both renown for their difficulty to quit. Having had a cocaine habit of my own and quit that I can agree completely that sex addiction is a MUCH harder thing indeed to quit. Elsewhere in the show there was some discussion about some of the theories of how some one becomes predisposed to sex addiction aside from the fact that the American society is Soaked with sex at ever turn there was some discussion about the idea that children that don't receive sufficient (who is to define sufficient though) loving and touching in their child hood and live in an environment where they feel safe there is a high likely hood that they could become addicted to sex. I feel that is my story. I am not going on Opra and blaming my Mom and Dad for any of this, I am responsible for what I do.

Since that last posting I seem to have gotten over the worst of my addiction. Sort of like the heroin addict that "sweats it out" for weeks then one morning the pain is gone. Or at least that is how it shows on TV.

I will say this about my two run ins with addictions I firmly believe that I alone was not able to do this. I had help. God spoke to me the day I quit cocaine and God sent me a wonderful woman that was his instrument in helping me overcome my sex addiction. My addiction to cocaine is long gone but I suspect that I will not soon have a proper relationship with sex for a long time… but I have hope now.

happiness

God, I want to be happy. Help me be happy. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I be normal?

Today is a bad day... why? I am not happy and I am not normal and I hate my self!

I read somewhere that thanks to the internet , sex is now boring.

Holy Smokes I read this article today that hit the nail on the head with near completely perfect accuracy!
Please read it! It is MOST illuminating. This is the caution to pornography argument that I have been making for years. There is no real data that suggest that unregulated porn access causes an increase in sex crimes which is the usual BS argument. In fact there is lots of data that points the opposite way. But the thing that I found after living in a sex soaked stupor for years was exactly what this article talks about Reality sex VS Porn Fantasy sex. It sort of boils down to a thing called expectation management. Unless you are involved with a partner who is as into porn as you are... then porn is likely to become a problem in your relationship. Maybe not now, maybe not soon but eventually. If however you find your self in a relationship with some one like minded in the porn area... consider it very carefully before you rock that boat. That equality may be very difficult to find again! I am a big fan of porn... but I am subject to its addictive qualities. *** I *** Ruined my marriage with it. After years of self analysis I take full responsibility for that debacle.

I would only add this to the article. Sex Addiction is a like Alcohol addiction this way; not everyone is predisposed to be an alcoholic. Some can drink one drink at dinner on occasion and have liquor in the house with no compulsion to consume all of it at once, once they start. Some people cannot. Some people drink till they pass out… regularly. They ruin their health. They spend more on booze than their budget honestly allows. They lose their jobs drinking on the job. Similarly with porn, online or otherwise, there are men, and women it seems, that will spend loads of money on online porn site memberships, more than they have to spend. They will lose their jobs because they trolled porn online at work.

There are some guys and gals that are likely to become addicted and some that are not. Also I think with “sex addiction” the triggers are more prevalent. There are more women walking around to look at, to rate their ‘doability’ index, to objectify, and fantasize about their breasts…butts… than there are liquor ads or stores so the incidence of dealing with sexual triggers is higher with sex addiction. And advertising uses sex like they use the letter E. This leads to a situation of habit building through repetition.

The metaphor of having to hunt for your food and cooking it over an open fire seeming to make it taste better comes to mind. The ability to get Fat and sugar into your diet used to be DARN tough. You had to run down the fat bearing animal and kill it. Using a stick and a rock made that a long labor intensive process. In general it cost almost as many calories to kill and eat an animal as was in the animal. Now you can just drop into any of thousands of fast food places and get Lots of fat and sugar... fast, easy and cheap. (Fast, easy, cheap... remind you of any one???) Fat and sugar taste good for a reason . You need them in your diet but only a little and because it used to be darn difficult to get into your diet it was sort of self regulating.

Now with Porn shops in every teeny tiny town you can get lots of fast, easy, cheap "sex" into your life... and just like eating too much fat and sugar... it may not be good for you. That's not to say that once in a while fast, easy cheap sex isn't great, a steady diet of it... not so much.

Bottom line porn can be hurtful in an unbalanced relationship. It’s a long and slippery slope. (Long and slippery... never mind me...) Nothing about it is easy.