The Weekend Part Deaux

    Holly smokes I thought the weekend was brutal... this morning starting at 6:00 it only got worse.

You may notice that this time I am typing before the booze is delivered to my system..., almost I can feel it creeping outward from my chest... time to go now before bad things happen.

happiness function

If you could plot happiness and life or living on a graph I wonder which vector would be heaviest. Happiness or living.
Would you say that you are alive because you are happy? Or would you say that you are happy because you are alive.
The Two are some what different statements. One would seem to say that you are happy that you are not dead. Arguably the better of the two points to be in touch with. The other would be more precarious... you are only alive when you are happy. Being happy takes work if you are not simply happy to be alive. I fear that I am not simply happy to be alive. There doesn't seem to be much point to living and working and "Fighting the Good fight" day in and day out fighting back against the glacial grind of every day living. It seems to me that the happy, fulfilling moments are few and far between and as time goes by they get fewer and further between.
I believe that I used to use sex as a way to medicate this malaise away. For a while now I have been white knuckling it and willing my self to believe that things will get better. Then you have days like yesterday. Nothing so very horrible but amazingly taxing. When you go to turn on a light at the switch and you miss the first time then the second time and the third... which brings you to a full stop to turn and LOOK right at the ,now damned switch which you could swear is dodging your efforts, and even with your full attention focused laser like on the , still damned switch, you some how flip it with such a burst of hate and energy that you manage to flip it so that it flips back off. You can almost hear it doing the "Neener Neener" taunt.
Days like that really take a toll on your/my ability to be happy. I wonder that your self worth isn't dragged into this sort of maelstrom when you cant seem to get any thing done even something as simple as turning on a light. I know days like that and the often referred to unemployment thing really mess with your head.
I did however not medicate in the used to be standard way, No porn... yet.

And the answer is…

I guess I have my answer… any sex is too much sex. I really hate being alive today. Being a depressive type any way the thought that I will be vexed by this condition the rest of my life is a bit too much to tolerate just now.

… so to explain

My last post was some what goofy and out of left field. Not that it was in any way not an accurate depiction of my day or my feelings as a whole lately. What I have sloooowly been getting to in my head is that I am a sex addict. I have seen a show on the Discovery Channel titled Hypersexual Behavior several times. It is the story/documentary of three "officially / medically" diagnosed Sex addicts and some people who are flirting with the notion of what that is and maybe they aught to take notice of their behavior a little more closely. I have seen the show before several time because well seeing the title what was I supposed to do… Hello sex addict! The first time I saw it I thought that is not me… I have not gone out and paid prostitutes, picked up runaway girls or any other extreme behaviors that were being shown… BUT I did spend an inordinate amount of time online 'trolling' for sex chats and porn sites. I am the master of rationalization and so I rationalized that away as that I was a guy and guys are into sex. Not letting the idea that no other guy that I knew was doing any of the things that I was. At that time I was the "Shop Pervert". By that I mean that in the group of guys I know I was the Way Out there and admitted and proud of it pervert of the group. I was participating in a Wide range of "interesting" activities… Dungeon Play parties, Swinging, poly-amorous relationships, BDSM play, Slave auctions, making sex toys Lots of toys and the list goes on and on. All that to say this; this time I watched it and heard very different things than I had in the past. In the past I heard that 'the guy' I most identified with had met a woman that had understood about his addiction and some how was ok with it. I determined that I needed the woman in my life to understand my addiction and be ok with it. That would let me totally off the hook as it were to pursue my addiction as I pleased and her to be ok with it. That didn't work no mater how hard I tried to force the situation.

I have always said that I think sex addiction is situational I still believe that… If two sex addicts find each other and fall in love and live together the sex addiction is not likely to be a huge issue… just my thinking.

But so I didn't fall in love with a sex addict… probably fortunately for me. I saw this time in the show 'my guy' say that the sex addiction was the hardest addiction he had ever had to deal with. He had quit smoking a variety of drugs including cocaine and heroin both renown for their difficulty to quit. Having had a cocaine habit of my own and quit that I can agree completely that sex addiction is a MUCH harder thing indeed to quit. Elsewhere in the show there was some discussion about some of the theories of how some one becomes predisposed to sex addiction aside from the fact that the American society is Soaked with sex at ever turn there was some discussion about the idea that children that don't receive sufficient (who is to define sufficient though) loving and touching in their child hood and live in an environment where they feel safe there is a high likely hood that they could become addicted to sex. I feel that is my story. I am not going on Opra and blaming my Mom and Dad for any of this, I am responsible for what I do.

Since that last posting I seem to have gotten over the worst of my addiction. Sort of like the heroin addict that "sweats it out" for weeks then one morning the pain is gone. Or at least that is how it shows on TV.

I will say this about my two run ins with addictions I firmly believe that I alone was not able to do this. I had help. God spoke to me the day I quit cocaine and God sent me a wonderful woman that was his instrument in helping me overcome my sex addiction. My addiction to cocaine is long gone but I suspect that I will not soon have a proper relationship with sex for a long time… but I have hope now.