Where I live... lived

    Its that time of year again. The Geese are flying south again, honking as they go. I don't know why but I love that sound. I live in the bottom of a valley floor but can hear them and see them flying to where ever it is that they are off to. From a friends home up the valley wall a bit you can see across the whole valley. From there you can see many flights/chevrons of geese flying. To me its a magic feeling to see them all strung out in lines.

    I know that there is plenty of high end aerodynamics going on with them... who is in front and for how long and the ones that follow follow at a precise angle and distance so as to maximize some lift potential created by the disturbance caused by the bird ahead. It seems also that since the lead bird is experiencing the maximum drag he/she stays there for some period of time, determined by them I suppose, then falls off to the back of the line to rest and to work their way back up to the lead again, amazing, magic.

happiness function

If you could plot happiness and life or living on a graph I wonder which vector would be heaviest. Happiness or living.
Would you say that you are alive because you are happy? Or would you say that you are happy because you are alive.
The Two are some what different statements. One would seem to say that you are happy that you are not dead. Arguably the better of the two points to be in touch with. The other would be more precarious... you are only alive when you are happy. Being happy takes work if you are not simply happy to be alive. I fear that I am not simply happy to be alive. There doesn't seem to be much point to living and working and "Fighting the Good fight" day in and day out fighting back against the glacial grind of every day living. It seems to me that the happy, fulfilling moments are few and far between and as time goes by they get fewer and further between.
I believe that I used to use sex as a way to medicate this malaise away. For a while now I have been white knuckling it and willing my self to believe that things will get better. Then you have days like yesterday. Nothing so very horrible but amazingly taxing. When you go to turn on a light at the switch and you miss the first time then the second time and the third... which brings you to a full stop to turn and LOOK right at the ,now damned switch which you could swear is dodging your efforts, and even with your full attention focused laser like on the , still damned switch, you some how flip it with such a burst of hate and energy that you manage to flip it so that it flips back off. You can almost hear it doing the "Neener Neener" taunt.
Days like that really take a toll on your/my ability to be happy. I wonder that your self worth isn't dragged into this sort of maelstrom when you cant seem to get any thing done even something as simple as turning on a light. I know days like that and the often referred to unemployment thing really mess with your head.
I did however not medicate in the used to be standard way, No porn... yet.