This week…

This has been a tough week.

My sweety is gone for the week. One of my addiction triggers has something to do with abandonment. I have a very difficult time alone. I tend to 'act out' in my addiction when I am stressed this way. I started out the beginning of the week pretty much ok. By midweek I was trolling a blog that could be considered porn. Not porn strictly speaking; just a blog that I know to be sexy and thinking. Thinking about sex but thinking none the less.

Today I am not trolling those blogs very much, mostly writing and working around the house and trying to stay warm. Man there is a lot of work to get done around here. But it so cold outside that I find it very difficult to be out there very long. I think I have nearly frost bitten my fingers and toes riding my motorcycle in the cold and now they seem overly sensitive to cold, that or I am just a wimp.

I was looking up the sex rehab show and found that some of the rehabbers have blogs. Two of them are very well done and relative to their new lives, the others surprisingly not. I read some of their posts regarding their experience on the rehab show. The two good blogs are definitely worth reading.

…limitations

I don't troll "porn sites" any more… or do I?

I find this blog very interesting. Years ago it was a day to day accounting of the blgger's coffee-dates and 'parties', blow by blow literally. I stopped reading it some years ago, not because of that necessarily, but I drop in now and again. This blog has evolved remarkably over time. I refer to that evolution by saying it has matured… like a wine. Much of the "harshness" has mellowed. What used to be a running diary of butt sex, masturbation, orgies and, and, and evolved to include the stuff of a real life; tragedy and triumph, pain and happiness. I think it is a healthy mix. Some might argue about the magnitude of the sex practices that engaged in. But it is as likely to include sweet scenes about the blogger's kids at the park as it is a fairly comprehensive how to on fisting. The way this person talks about fisting makes me really want to try it. Not so much for the apparent orgasmic potential but the intimacy and closeness it is reported to create. It could be seen as 'more' than porn in as much as it has thoughtful content and is not gross raw sex without context. It is also visited by thinking people with good considered opinions and actual vocabularies. So I sort of think that it's not porn, more like sexy news and comment. I suppose it could be seen as 'less' as well since there isn't the gross (One man's gross is another 'entertainment' I suppose but…) eyeball infecting fuck parade of super colossal prosthetic cocks being run into 'Barely Legal Tight Teens'. Wow that stuff nauseates me. Nor does this blogger post naked pictures of them selves. So this blog is sort of like real life. Some days this blogger is a parent and some days this blogger is a slut. This was not supposed to be a blog review.

What I am wondering is this; Is this blog and others like it porn?

And but so is my situation like that of an alcoholic? Is sex, any sex, to much sex? If I read this blog am I likely to wake up three days later in a dumpster after having been beet up by a bunch of hookers with blisters on my dick, no money no wallet, no clothes, no self respect, all my credit cards maxed out to porn sites and online Love Missile Bone-on pha^rmaciuticals?

Can I handle this as long as I understand my limitations?

More importantly is it something that is tolerable to my sweety.

Or is this another thing that I need to let go of on my quest for total sobriety?

Today

Today the sun came out for the first time in weeks. But it came out in a strange way and caused an interesting thing to happen. The fog didn't burn off from the top like usual. It moved back horizontally I guess you might say, south to north. My back yard was totally shrouded in fog but the front of the house was clear. It was a creepy science fiction horror movie kind of feeling. It sort of reminded me of a time when I lived in Hawaii. On one side of the street it was pouring rain, torrential rain heavy, and the other side of the street was dry. I could walk into and out of the rain like stepping into and out of a shower. So any way this fog push back caused a very localized hail "storm". There is a tall redwood tree in the side yard. Redwood tree bows are designed so as to 'scrub' fog moisture out of the air and drop it to the ground to water the tree. This scrubbing and the fact that I haven't seen the sun for about two weeks due to the fog and the 28 degree temperatures apparently created lots of tiny icicles in the bows. When the fog cleared back and exposed the tree to the sun, the sun warmed the icicles causing them to fall creating a tiny localized hail storm. Very cool, confusing at first, but very cool.

…lines

Where is the line between a good healthy enthusiastic sex life and an addicted one? What does that line look like? Surely a healthy sex life shouldn't be boring "man on top get it over with quick".

If I direct my enthusiasm for sex at just my sweety can't that be a healthy sex life?

How do I define my sobriety? Is it not looking at porn on the internet, not lusting after other women, not masturbating, not fantasizing, not sex toys? All of that, some of that? Something I don't even know about that I do that I shouldn't be doing?

Internet porn is boring… a quick fix. It's a hit that lasts about 30 seconds. And recently I find it more and more repugnant. It makes me angry. Sort of like I hate that I have that ring in my nose and can be jerked around by it. But isn't that sort of part of the male condition of living… naked women… got to look. I hate that. I would like to think that I have more control than that, that I am more 'evolved'. Perhaps not. Perhaps in time.

So...

Lusting after other women… I have never really done that except one woman, and I am well past that. A year sober on that. More on that to be sure lots of feelings there but I am over it. None of the residual feelings are lustful or regretful except that I wish I hadn't gone there and caused so much hurt to all involved.

Masturbating… I am sober on that for over a year. And well over it also. Embarrassingly enough I can't seem to anymore anyway. And it always left me feeling even more empty than before the "craves" lead me there.

Fantasizing… I don't do much of that any more but when I do it's just my sweety. And it's just a few things… but I fear that if I indulge that fantasy muscle then the fantasy world would explode and be back to where it was before out of control. So I purposefully self sensor that except a few remaining points.

Sex toys… I threw away, easily, $2000.00 worth of toys both purchased and made by me over a year ago. I will say that I still love the idea of sex toys though.

…why

I have been trying to understand the 'whys' of my compulsions/obsessions, which is being a slow process. I was watching Joyce Meyers' show yesterday and they were talking about some very similar topics. The result was sort of a redirect of one's energies. Don't get stuck on understanding why but ask what. What am I going to do about this problem? You might never understand the why's and if you are mired in the discovery of the why's of it you might never be able to move on.

That bit of 'advice' stuck with me. I was beginning to feel that I was compulsively thinking about my obsessions, which felt like a degenerative toriodal spinout, ultimately going nowhere fast.

I will try to embrace 'what' for a while.