Today

Today the sun came out for the first time in weeks. But it came out in a strange way and caused an interesting thing to happen. The fog didn't burn off from the top like usual. It moved back horizontally I guess you might say, south to north. My back yard was totally shrouded in fog but the front of the house was clear. It was a creepy science fiction horror movie kind of feeling. It sort of reminded me of a time when I lived in Hawaii. On one side of the street it was pouring rain, torrential rain heavy, and the other side of the street was dry. I could walk into and out of the rain like stepping into and out of a shower. So any way this fog push back caused a very localized hail "storm". There is a tall redwood tree in the side yard. Redwood tree bows are designed so as to 'scrub' fog moisture out of the air and drop it to the ground to water the tree. This scrubbing and the fact that I haven't seen the sun for about two weeks due to the fog and the 28 degree temperatures apparently created lots of tiny icicles in the bows. When the fog cleared back and exposed the tree to the sun, the sun warmed the icicles causing them to fall creating a tiny localized hail storm. Very cool, confusing at first, but very cool.

…lines

Where is the line between a good healthy enthusiastic sex life and an addicted one? What does that line look like? Surely a healthy sex life shouldn't be boring "man on top get it over with quick".

If I direct my enthusiasm for sex at just my sweety can't that be a healthy sex life?

How do I define my sobriety? Is it not looking at porn on the internet, not lusting after other women, not masturbating, not fantasizing, not sex toys? All of that, some of that? Something I don't even know about that I do that I shouldn't be doing?

Internet porn is boring… a quick fix. It's a hit that lasts about 30 seconds. And recently I find it more and more repugnant. It makes me angry. Sort of like I hate that I have that ring in my nose and can be jerked around by it. But isn't that sort of part of the male condition of living… naked women… got to look. I hate that. I would like to think that I have more control than that, that I am more 'evolved'. Perhaps not. Perhaps in time.

So...

Lusting after other women… I have never really done that except one woman, and I am well past that. A year sober on that. More on that to be sure lots of feelings there but I am over it. None of the residual feelings are lustful or regretful except that I wish I hadn't gone there and caused so much hurt to all involved.

Masturbating… I am sober on that for over a year. And well over it also. Embarrassingly enough I can't seem to anymore anyway. And it always left me feeling even more empty than before the "craves" lead me there.

Fantasizing… I don't do much of that any more but when I do it's just my sweety. And it's just a few things… but I fear that if I indulge that fantasy muscle then the fantasy world would explode and be back to where it was before out of control. So I purposefully self sensor that except a few remaining points.

Sex toys… I threw away, easily, $2000.00 worth of toys both purchased and made by me over a year ago. I will say that I still love the idea of sex toys though.

…why

I have been trying to understand the 'whys' of my compulsions/obsessions, which is being a slow process. I was watching Joyce Meyers' show yesterday and they were talking about some very similar topics. The result was sort of a redirect of one's energies. Don't get stuck on understanding why but ask what. What am I going to do about this problem? You might never understand the why's and if you are mired in the discovery of the why's of it you might never be able to move on.

That bit of 'advice' stuck with me. I was beginning to feel that I was compulsively thinking about my obsessions, which felt like a degenerative toriodal spinout, ultimately going nowhere fast.

I will try to embrace 'what' for a while.

…still more on breasts

Why are breasts nearly universally appreciated as beautiful? I wonder that it might be some societal thing about "western culture". I wonder that in aboriginal and tribal areas of the world that breasts are not 'worshiped' as much as in America. Some things appear to be universally perceived. Spiders and sharks are almost universally perceived as frightening.

Americans or western cultures seem to be obsessed with larger breasts. Tribal cultures don't appear to be.

On national Geographic Specials of South American Amazonian tribal peoples the women go about without covering their breasts. The men in the tribes don't seem to be very excited about it.

Why do men crave the breasts? Why would an adult man desire to suck a woman's breasts / nipples? That would seem like something an infant would do.

I wonder that I am so curious about this in an attempt to understand the attraction if I could understand it I could be less obsessed by them.

…forgiveness

I wrote something in the last post about forgiveness. Then shortly after I flipped on the TV Shatter's Raw Nerve was on and the topic of discussion was forgiveness… more specifically self forgiveness. The person being interviewed said that if or when they were able to forgive themselves then forgiving others would be a piece of cake.

Perhaps someday…