Sex Rehab

So recently I was watching a recorded Mythbusters. After the Mythbusters was over there was a bit of the next show recorded. It was a show about Pompeii. We have all heard about Pompeii and Vesuvius and how the town was buried in an instant preserving a snap shot of the life and times of an ancient Roman city. A horribly terrifying snapshot but a snapshot none the less. I say that because the people are all couched and hiding from the Dragons and Tigers oh my… (Crouching tiger hidden dragon reference) No no no never mind that… the pyroclastic flow that buried the city. They none of them looked any sort of happy about it except possibly those who were at that very moment about to commit suicide. So any way I have seen and heard the story about Pompeii a million times and had no interest in the million and first time. But just as the recording was about to end there came a bit of extreme interest… Did you know that Pompeii was a seething hot bed of lust, sex and debauchery? I did not know this. It seems that in order to get funding for the excavation of the city they had to keep this aspect of the citizen's lives and times off the record so as not to offend the… somebodys who I don't know but seem easily offended by such things. So… but I saw this little leading bit and wanted to see more. So while I was looking up shows using keywords "sex" and "Pompeii" I came across the "Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski" show on VH1. I came across a lot of other interesting titles too but. It's a series. And apparently Dr. Drew has done several "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski shows"; Drugs, Alcohol and the like. The 'celebrity's' are not so very celebrated though. A more apt descriptor would be celebrityesque. But their problems look and sound real. I identified with much of what they are going through. It seems that this is the first time a Sex Rehab show has been done. I naturally thought maybe I better watch this; in the nick of case there are nuggets of good usable information that could help me with my issues. I know that sounds like the old line… "I am just buying 'it' for the articles dear", but I am seriously interested and not for the titillation factor. Though, I have to say for a show about sex addiction I think the choices of editing and advertising are a bit lacking in sound judgment. There was a KY Intense commercial and some of the inmates/patients dress VERY provocatively. I imagine this to be out of habit more than anything else and perhaps that is their only wardrobe. There was a "chapter" about the women's makeup and the "mask" they put on, so perhaps the clothing thing will be addressed also. But I have to say that full breasted women wondering the hallways without braziers and wearing only a thin fabric muumuu in what must be a refrigerated treatment facility is counterproductive to those who watch for the "right" reasons. There have been a couple comments from the male inmates about this sort of attire. But I don't think they are going to scream foul too loud of too long. Perhaps as the show goes on the women will come to see the effect they are having and become more modest about such things and change to more appropriate attire for such a co-ed treatment. Perhaps the Dr.'s will sort that kind of thing out. And if the guys truly have any integrity about getting better they will say something. I will watch for that to determine if this is for real "reality" or scripted "reality".

There was a show on daytime TV some years ago called "Starting Over". I found that show interesting and somewhat helpful. Principally for bringing up things to think about in ways I had not before. It also gave Us, my Lovely fiancé' and I, things to talk about regarding who we are as people and who we are in our relationship. This Dr. Drew show seems to follow that model. And I am hopeful that I will learn something and that my lovely fiancé' will learn and understand more about my issue as well. That last thing is something I am very much hope for.

I have to say the line below is the way I was going to open this post… which in my estimation sort of hides the true nature of how I came to be watching this show which I think would be a lie and a deception on my part about this issue for me. I think that hiding even little details that preserve an appearance of non-addictedness on my part is counterproductive in my effort to understand and deal with and ultimately control this in me.

So recently I am trolling the TV for stuff to watch and as I am surfing up the dial I stumble across the Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew Lipinski. Oh my, says I, what sort of crap is this going to be…

… so to explain

My last post was some what goofy and out of left field. Not that it was in any way not an accurate depiction of my day or my feelings as a whole lately. What I have sloooowly been getting to in my head is that I am a sex addict. I have seen a show on the Discovery Channel titled Hypersexual Behavior several times. It is the story/documentary of three "officially / medically" diagnosed Sex addicts and some people who are flirting with the notion of what that is and maybe they aught to take notice of their behavior a little more closely. I have seen the show before several time because well seeing the title what was I supposed to do… Hello sex addict! The first time I saw it I thought that is not me… I have not gone out and paid prostitutes, picked up runaway girls or any other extreme behaviors that were being shown… BUT I did spend an inordinate amount of time online 'trolling' for sex chats and porn sites. I am the master of rationalization and so I rationalized that away as that I was a guy and guys are into sex. Not letting the idea that no other guy that I knew was doing any of the things that I was. At that time I was the "Shop Pervert". By that I mean that in the group of guys I know I was the Way Out there and admitted and proud of it pervert of the group. I was participating in a Wide range of "interesting" activities… Dungeon Play parties, Swinging, poly-amorous relationships, BDSM play, Slave auctions, making sex toys Lots of toys and the list goes on and on. All that to say this; this time I watched it and heard very different things than I had in the past. In the past I heard that 'the guy' I most identified with had met a woman that had understood about his addiction and some how was ok with it. I determined that I needed the woman in my life to understand my addiction and be ok with it. That would let me totally off the hook as it were to pursue my addiction as I pleased and her to be ok with it. That didn't work no mater how hard I tried to force the situation.

I have always said that I think sex addiction is situational I still believe that… If two sex addicts find each other and fall in love and live together the sex addiction is not likely to be a huge issue… just my thinking.

But so I didn't fall in love with a sex addict… probably fortunately for me. I saw this time in the show 'my guy' say that the sex addiction was the hardest addiction he had ever had to deal with. He had quit smoking a variety of drugs including cocaine and heroin both renown for their difficulty to quit. Having had a cocaine habit of my own and quit that I can agree completely that sex addiction is a MUCH harder thing indeed to quit. Elsewhere in the show there was some discussion about some of the theories of how some one becomes predisposed to sex addiction aside from the fact that the American society is Soaked with sex at ever turn there was some discussion about the idea that children that don't receive sufficient (who is to define sufficient though) loving and touching in their child hood and live in an environment where they feel safe there is a high likely hood that they could become addicted to sex. I feel that is my story. I am not going on Opra and blaming my Mom and Dad for any of this, I am responsible for what I do.

Since that last posting I seem to have gotten over the worst of my addiction. Sort of like the heroin addict that "sweats it out" for weeks then one morning the pain is gone. Or at least that is how it shows on TV.

I will say this about my two run ins with addictions I firmly believe that I alone was not able to do this. I had help. God spoke to me the day I quit cocaine and God sent me a wonderful woman that was his instrument in helping me overcome my sex addiction. My addiction to cocaine is long gone but I suspect that I will not soon have a proper relationship with sex for a long time… but I have hope now.

happiness

God, I want to be happy. Help me be happy. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I be normal?

Today is a bad day... why? I am not happy and I am not normal and I hate my self!

Random stuff

New feature… good day / bad day… why

My Mom called yesterday to comment on the heat wave we are experiencing. I said in stark contrast to the usual weather you have. She lives in the desert south west. They not infrequently see temps out to 117. We batted the heat thing back and forth and at some point she issues this line, "I feel so blessed when it's only 100 degrees". Only 100 degrees! Poop!

I try not to complain about the weather. I ride a motorcycle, and… well part of the deal you sign up for when riding is the weather can't stop you. (I have been told that its just my attitude; trying to be a Macho Biker Dude Rider Tough guy.)Having said that, I have found that since I do own a car my lower end limit on temperature for riding is about 26 degrees F. 28 is totally ok but when it squeezes down to 26… there is something magic about that number that causes pain. Maybe it's psychological, I don't know. I do know this though about riding in the cold; if there is any humidity in the air it will collect on your face shield and your jacket in the form of ice. It is no fun trying to scrape ice of your face shield while riding, but it is a thrill to get to work and have to shake the ice off your jacket before you can unzip it.

I saw a commercial last night about Crest White strips. The thrust of this commercial was that the strips stayed on better than before which allowed you more freedom to go about your daily activities with out worrying about the strippy thing coming off your teeth. They gave examples "so you can whistle along with the radio, take a shower, and even drink water while you whiten!" (pasted from their website). In the commercial they show women using the product. In my porn addled mind I thought when they put shots of their model blowing a guy or going down on another woman then I will know they work well.

Last night as I was trying to leave from work I got stuck. I had my motorcycle up on the center-stand because I had put some hydraulic fluid in the clutch master-cylinder. The floor here is a highly polished concrete. When I went to push the bike back off the center-stand the bike just slid across the floor a bit instead of rocking over center and onto the tires. I thought well I will just rock it harder… then harder… then harder still. Nothing. I just inched it along. I tried standing on the centerstand foot bar, nothing. I tried lifting it back over but I was surrounded by stuff and I wasn't sure I could keep it stable and upright when or if it came down. This little conundrum lasted about 5 minutes while I pushed and pulled and lifted and swore and pondered. The it came to me that if I could get the stand to cross one of the expansion joints in the concrete it might hang there sufficiently to keep it from sliding and allow the bike to rock back over center and back on to the tires. That took a while to organize but it worked. Don't ask how long it took to get the master-cylinder cap off. Crumby 3 minute exercise now took nearly 40 minutes. Man what a Goat Rope.

Déjà Not Vu

I am sure you have all experienced this and so have I to one degree or another but last week I was really knocked for a loop. I woke up believing in that it was Wednesday, it was a Thursday. I went through the entire day thinking that I was just a bit ahead of the work load and that Thursday was going to be a good day and that I was well on pace for Friday's deadline. I worked fast and carefully. I worked the usual 12 hours and went home. I was helping sweety in with something from her truck and some how the day came up and that it was Thursday. I about pooped, and denied that it was possible. She "messes" with me all the time. I thought this was one of those times and pushed her several times to stop messing around… she was not… this time. For a solid minute I was panicked and thought about going back to the shop to get more done so that I could maybe get half done for the deadline.

I did not go back. I just gave that one up.

I was just so SURE it was Wednesday. I thought this must be what an Alzheimer patient must feel like in a moment of lucidity. How horrible.