… so to explain

My last post was some what goofy and out of left field. Not that it was in any way not an accurate depiction of my day or my feelings as a whole lately. What I have sloooowly been getting to in my head is that I am a sex addict. I have seen a show on the Discovery Channel titled Hypersexual Behavior several times. It is the story/documentary of three "officially / medically" diagnosed Sex addicts and some people who are flirting with the notion of what that is and maybe they aught to take notice of their behavior a little more closely. I have seen the show before several time because well seeing the title what was I supposed to do… Hello sex addict! The first time I saw it I thought that is not me… I have not gone out and paid prostitutes, picked up runaway girls or any other extreme behaviors that were being shown… BUT I did spend an inordinate amount of time online 'trolling' for sex chats and porn sites. I am the master of rationalization and so I rationalized that away as that I was a guy and guys are into sex. Not letting the idea that no other guy that I knew was doing any of the things that I was. At that time I was the "Shop Pervert". By that I mean that in the group of guys I know I was the Way Out there and admitted and proud of it pervert of the group. I was participating in a Wide range of "interesting" activities… Dungeon Play parties, Swinging, poly-amorous relationships, BDSM play, Slave auctions, making sex toys Lots of toys and the list goes on and on. All that to say this; this time I watched it and heard very different things than I had in the past. In the past I heard that 'the guy' I most identified with had met a woman that had understood about his addiction and some how was ok with it. I determined that I needed the woman in my life to understand my addiction and be ok with it. That would let me totally off the hook as it were to pursue my addiction as I pleased and her to be ok with it. That didn't work no mater how hard I tried to force the situation.

I have always said that I think sex addiction is situational I still believe that… If two sex addicts find each other and fall in love and live together the sex addiction is not likely to be a huge issue… just my thinking.

But so I didn't fall in love with a sex addict… probably fortunately for me. I saw this time in the show 'my guy' say that the sex addiction was the hardest addiction he had ever had to deal with. He had quit smoking a variety of drugs including cocaine and heroin both renown for their difficulty to quit. Having had a cocaine habit of my own and quit that I can agree completely that sex addiction is a MUCH harder thing indeed to quit. Elsewhere in the show there was some discussion about some of the theories of how some one becomes predisposed to sex addiction aside from the fact that the American society is Soaked with sex at ever turn there was some discussion about the idea that children that don't receive sufficient (who is to define sufficient though) loving and touching in their child hood and live in an environment where they feel safe there is a high likely hood that they could become addicted to sex. I feel that is my story. I am not going on Opra and blaming my Mom and Dad for any of this, I am responsible for what I do.

Since that last posting I seem to have gotten over the worst of my addiction. Sort of like the heroin addict that "sweats it out" for weeks then one morning the pain is gone. Or at least that is how it shows on TV.

I will say this about my two run ins with addictions I firmly believe that I alone was not able to do this. I had help. God spoke to me the day I quit cocaine and God sent me a wonderful woman that was his instrument in helping me overcome my sex addiction. My addiction to cocaine is long gone but I suspect that I will not soon have a proper relationship with sex for a long time… but I have hope now.

happiness

God, I want to be happy. Help me be happy. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I be normal?

Today is a bad day... why? I am not happy and I am not normal and I hate my self!

Random stuff

New feature… good day / bad day… why

My Mom called yesterday to comment on the heat wave we are experiencing. I said in stark contrast to the usual weather you have. She lives in the desert south west. They not infrequently see temps out to 117. We batted the heat thing back and forth and at some point she issues this line, "I feel so blessed when it's only 100 degrees". Only 100 degrees! Poop!

I try not to complain about the weather. I ride a motorcycle, and… well part of the deal you sign up for when riding is the weather can't stop you. (I have been told that its just my attitude; trying to be a Macho Biker Dude Rider Tough guy.)Having said that, I have found that since I do own a car my lower end limit on temperature for riding is about 26 degrees F. 28 is totally ok but when it squeezes down to 26… there is something magic about that number that causes pain. Maybe it's psychological, I don't know. I do know this though about riding in the cold; if there is any humidity in the air it will collect on your face shield and your jacket in the form of ice. It is no fun trying to scrape ice of your face shield while riding, but it is a thrill to get to work and have to shake the ice off your jacket before you can unzip it.

I saw a commercial last night about Crest White strips. The thrust of this commercial was that the strips stayed on better than before which allowed you more freedom to go about your daily activities with out worrying about the strippy thing coming off your teeth. They gave examples "so you can whistle along with the radio, take a shower, and even drink water while you whiten!" (pasted from their website). In the commercial they show women using the product. In my porn addled mind I thought when they put shots of their model blowing a guy or going down on another woman then I will know they work well.

Last night as I was trying to leave from work I got stuck. I had my motorcycle up on the center-stand because I had put some hydraulic fluid in the clutch master-cylinder. The floor here is a highly polished concrete. When I went to push the bike back off the center-stand the bike just slid across the floor a bit instead of rocking over center and onto the tires. I thought well I will just rock it harder… then harder… then harder still. Nothing. I just inched it along. I tried standing on the centerstand foot bar, nothing. I tried lifting it back over but I was surrounded by stuff and I wasn't sure I could keep it stable and upright when or if it came down. This little conundrum lasted about 5 minutes while I pushed and pulled and lifted and swore and pondered. The it came to me that if I could get the stand to cross one of the expansion joints in the concrete it might hang there sufficiently to keep it from sliding and allow the bike to rock back over center and back on to the tires. That took a while to organize but it worked. Don't ask how long it took to get the master-cylinder cap off. Crumby 3 minute exercise now took nearly 40 minutes. Man what a Goat Rope.

Déjà Not Vu

I am sure you have all experienced this and so have I to one degree or another but last week I was really knocked for a loop. I woke up believing in that it was Wednesday, it was a Thursday. I went through the entire day thinking that I was just a bit ahead of the work load and that Thursday was going to be a good day and that I was well on pace for Friday's deadline. I worked fast and carefully. I worked the usual 12 hours and went home. I was helping sweety in with something from her truck and some how the day came up and that it was Thursday. I about pooped, and denied that it was possible. She "messes" with me all the time. I thought this was one of those times and pushed her several times to stop messing around… she was not… this time. For a solid minute I was panicked and thought about going back to the shop to get more done so that I could maybe get half done for the deadline.

I did not go back. I just gave that one up.

I was just so SURE it was Wednesday. I thought this must be what an Alzheimer patient must feel like in a moment of lucidity. How horrible.

Empty nest

Everyone has seen the phone commercials where the (typically Jewish) mother is haranguing the daughter or son … "You never call, you never write. Did you think I died? Make an old woman happy call once in a while will you?"

I never paid that sort of thing any credence in as much as well I wasn't the old Jewish woman before… now I am.

My daughter grew up, graduated and moved down to live with her mother for the summer before reporting for duty in the Navy. I have listened to my mother talk to me about talking to my daughter… "It's like pulling teeth to get a complete sentence out of her". But having lived with her I didn't experience that too very much only on occasion and that was sort of cyclical issue.

So now here I am and well… Make an old man happy call once in a while will you?"