wow...

I had not looked at my blog for a long time. I said some time ago that I am naturally a lazy person but this is ridiculous. Until just very recently I have not been screaming busy... (I am now though and might even get paid for it... accent on might). I read a great book watched a LOT of TV. For those who ware commenting and following I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. I didn't even know I had commentary. I would certainly have been writing more had I known that. Commentary makes this more worth doing... more interactive sort of. I got some very nice comments, Thank yo very much for those... and a spam, never seen that before. Gobs of spam in email but never have I seen it on my unknown blog.

I had a fight with a bout of back sliding... I found my self obsessed with a porn video I saw a Long time ago... some time last summer. I made it a quest to find it again and for a time tried to find a way to down load it. After a few days of that I got bored with that and fell back in line with my sobriety. I have determined, as much as any one can determine what constitutes sobriety for them selves, that my sobriety is not having contact with a woman I had the red hots for for a very long time. I denied it to every one and my self. I "claimed" that I wanted to be "just friends". I had a MOUNTAIN of reasons and rationalizations for the "friendship" but in the end it was not good for me. I hate that I ended it the way I did but now that it has been almost a year and a half or more I cant call and explain myself that would be counter productive and well I don't think I would stay sober after that... better this way sort of. As for Porn... I find my self drawn to it on lonely nights but its boring to me now. There is a draw but its boring and its a time sink. I did find the porn video and I book marked a link to it. I look at the link and sort of now it has become a symbol of what I need to NOT do on the internet.

unemployment sucks

I have been out of work for something over a year now. I have been picking up odd jobs here and there for friends now and again but by and large there is just nothing going on work wise. I have nearly two and half decades of experience at my profession and I am thinking that I am going to loose all that to a job in a warehouse or UPS or something like that IF I can even get that!
I talked to a guy while standing out side the Costco waiting for it to open the other day. He has been out of work almost two years. It seems that in another year or so his social security will kick in. He is in school now but he is "seriously" considering just taking the early retirement thing with the social security and "living small'.
I was having panic attacks about winding up homeless which manifest themselves as gagging and retching... most unpleasant.

Sex rehabing

So I watched the 7th installment of the Sex-rehab. I was impossibly disappointed for two reasons. 1: This was the penultimate episode. And 2: Kari Ann and her 'drama' hijacked the whole darn show. There were 4 epiphany moments where I learned something Duncan Roy, Jennie Ketchum, Amber Smith and Phil Verone had moments that were worth seeing. More of the time, questions and the therapy surrounding those moments could have been GREAT! I was hoping for so much more. By showing more moments like those and editing fairly they could have kept the drama down and the benefit to the viewers up. And the interest level could have been just as high. The editors and the producers really needed to understand what it was they could have been doing with this show. The rehab shows could be so much better and so helpful. I don't think these types of shows need drama to make them worth watching. Those moments with Varone and Roy and Smith were amazingly heartwarming. All the Kari Ann Drama was simply infuriating. These shows could be Reality TV truly worth watching not just more none-reality-reality waste of airtime. I don't know which is better to get a bunch of people blogging and crabbing about the drama or a bunch of people blogging about how great the show was and how helpful it was for them in their lives. Perhaps they didn't want to be giving away Jill's and Dr. Drew's work or something. Why bother with a show like this, why bother going on to expose yourself to the 'world' your sex-addiction if you weren't trying to help someone. I read somewhere that there was a significant pay-check involved. Oh boy… more "Follow the money". I hope for better next time.

And the answer is…

I guess I have my answer… any sex is too much sex. I really hate being alive today. Being a depressive type any way the thought that I will be vexed by this condition the rest of my life is a bit too much to tolerate just now.

The more you know

I as I said I have been reading up on sexual anorexia. I think I flipped from sex addiction to sex anorexia. It fits a bit better with how I am feeling now. In sex addiction addicts cannot control their sexual activities. Which is how I used to run my life or should I say how my 'life' ran me. The woman I love and who loves me IS open and available to me. I have no excuse for any of this other than I feel trapped by fear of rejection. The feelings that come from rejections are bone crushing. From The List #3: So I imagine rationalize scenarios in my head that allow me to forgo the intimacy with the woman I love to avoid the hurt. I am depriving her of the intimacy she looks to me for also. But in my head I imagine that she doesn't want intimacy with me because I am foul and unlovable. I rationalize that she works hard and comes home late and doesn't want to be accosted by me at the door all horny and humping her leg. Which is how I view my attempts to be intimate with her. Even th0ugh in reality I am probably so timid about it that she likely doesn't even notice my efforts or I am so pent-up that I not so subtle. I feel hurt by her apparent lack of interest in what I am going through. I have been VERY open and verbal about all this with her. I have written her letters many time and she still doesn't seem interested. Maybe I wouldn't either if she had some 'weird' eating disorder or other. I don't know. I like to think I would support her but I don't know.

I have to start trying to take chances.