Sex and the abyssal of Hell

For me sex is a great and wonderful thing. I imagine it is like that for most people but… for some people it is an addictive thing. Like most any other thing, alcohol or video games or work people can balance that into their live in a healthy way. Some people can not… I can not. If I am left to my own devices I will sit and pursue sex in every way imaginable. I will troll for sex chat at the Yahoo Messenger, I will sit and design then build sex toys, I will troll porn typically starting with artistic nudes and winding up looking at the "farm channel". I would burn down megabit after megabit in down loads of webcam and posted videos. I would sit and read sex blogs endlessly. I would have accounts on most every dating site there is but more likely the more pervy ones… you get the picture.

I found this out the hard way some time ago. I left my sweety and did that what you see above and more. One night I was in a Yahoo messenger chat with who knows what and chatting things that disgusted even me but I was in it till the end… a 3:00 am end, with a 6:00 am wake up time for work. It was at that moment that I realized I had done that for the last three nights in a row and didn't see it stopping any time soon. This was "too" much fun!

The picture that came to mind was me sitting in the front row of the balcony section at a theater with no wall or railing in front and no theater either just the fiery abyss of hell reaching up to me.

… from the previous post… I seem to have a weak sex braking mechanism.

Re-wiring

How porn can re-wire your brain… short term and long term.

In the short term I noticed one day after an afternoon of watching porn, some good some crappy, that I went into the world with a skewed view of things. I went to the Home Depot and when checking out with a rather attractive woman checker I found these thoughts running through my mind… Wow I wonder what she looks like naked. Is that a pucker in her shirt or are those her way large hard nipples. Are her nipples hard because she thinks I am hot? Is she going to ask me if she can suck me or me to suck her. And the thoughts all raced through my mind with appropriate video accompaniment of the imagined possible scenes. I kept waiting while she was ringing me out… then the credits… "Have a nice day and thank you for shopping the Home Depot"… Nothing… what a letdown.

Long term: it can give you a twisted view of what sex and lovemaking can or should be like. On occasion Hot steamy sex can be this way but in general it is not. These are paid professionals with proper lighting, direction, make up, proper shot angles and most of all editing. It can also fill your head with a lot of things that don't translate into reality very well. All those slick exotic positions look new and exciting on camera but a steady diet of that sort of thing… you had better be a yoga practitioner. Most of these women are more limber than most because that is their job Most of these guys look great because they are paid to. When you are paid to sit at a desk and file reports or some such you have to make time to go to the gym and PAY to look like that. Similarly these situations while sexy and fantasy stuff are not likely to be what you really want. No woman wants to be raped… but the notion of being so attractive to a man that he "loses control" and must have you now is an attractive one. And the idea of a recently unemployed 20 something building contractor stud showing up at a Cougar party with "pizza delivery" is interesting but I don't see Cougars sitting around eating pizza. They hang out in Martini bars.

There is a scene in one of my ALL time favorite movies, "BrainStorm" where a lab assistant has made a loop of an orgasm scene and apparently has been locked in his basement playing this looped bit of 'tape' for what sounds like three days. When he has the 'helmet' removed he is crushed by the return to reality. The subsequent difficulties have him being discharged and put in disability of "…inderterminent duration". In effect he had some sort of psychotic episode in connection with this event. At a certain level I believe that this is possible watching porn movies for some people. They get hooked their minds get re-wired to desire the notions and the ideas and the sex in porn but it is just not reality. I believe that it can become difficult thing to keep the two separate for some people. Perhaps not keeping them separated but keeping an understanding about what a real sex life is about and what porn is and wanting that level of a sex life with no consideration for work or chores or children or the desires of my partner or this or that or the other. I think I am one of these people.

I have said this many many times and I still believe it; if you and your partner are equally interested in porn then it can possibly work, but if one is and the other is not I believe porn will become a source of friction that will be difficult to overcome in a relationship. Similarly if you don't have some psychological braking mechanism in your head about porn, it can take you down the path that cocaine and meth and crack can take you down. If you keep watching and keep watching it desensitizes you to what comes next, the next big thrill. But I know that there are some people who can watch porn and not be "hooked". Just like there are peop-le who can have A glass of wine in the evening without drinking the whole bottle then moving to the Vodka. This is why I label myself as a sex addict. I have often wondered what goes on in the heads of people who start using coke and then windup snorting their possessions and their families, their health and their lives away. Didn't they see any of this coming at them? At some point didn't they say Damn that boat I just sold, to pay for my coke habit, was the last straw… NO MORE!

Happy Shiny people?

The Christian view of humanity confounds me. Many people find solace there but I do not. Throughout the bible humanity is a foul and lithesome thing subject to all manner of failings, sin and vice and corruption and well there are seven sins that top the list and everything sort of follow those in the list to some degree or another

But so the point of this is that we are, all of us, just little semi-self-contained chemical reactions running around. Some of us have better plumbing/’wiring’ in our heads which is to say that some peoples thoughts and thought processes are more squared away than others. I am not among this group. My thoughts and thought processes are so screwed up as to be… umm frightening. I saw this Craig Ferguson show (I love his show) where he had no audience it was an interview style show with Stephen Fry they were discussing this sort of thing. Steven Fry is a distinguished gentleman. They were discussing the idea of being at a party and looking at all the other beautiful people in attendance. Contemplating how nice and tidy their lives must be. How outwardly they seem so ‘pretty and shiny’ and polished their minds must be the same. Then they postulated that perhaps those very same people were looking upon them… Craig and his guest and thinking the very same thing. Craig and his guest were sort of laughing at the very notion because they knew the ‘ugly’ truth.

So back to the Christian view. But so if we are all just so ‘ugly’ and sinful, depraved and reprobate… how is it possible to have any self worth or self confidence or respect or esteem or keep from flinging yourself off a tall tall structure of some sort? I fight those voices a lot… only there is no tall anything around here except mountains and they are too gently sloped to provide enough free-fall velocity to deliver sufficient impact to insure a good quick departure. I am a chicken I want out but I don’t want to hurt doing it. When I read about how some people take accidental drug combinations that deliver sweet release… I wonder…

noise polution

I thought the city was noisy... Living in the country is even more noisy. I have Hundreds of Canadian Geese flying over head honking and squakijng as they go. There must be Ten Thousand frogs in the irrigation ditch all croaking and what ever else they do at the top of their lungs and little bloaty throat sacks. On any given day there can be hundreds of little birds, Robins or small black birds all chirping away... There is an authentic Hooting Owl now and just tonight there a bunch of wild turkeys taken up residence some where near by... and they don't get along with the geese so very well... The Turf wars are noisy. There is also the fire season coming up and the fire suppression helicopters are flying in and sucking up water form the ponds at regular intervals. These are not small helicopters either. I am talking about the Ginormous Sky Crane helicopters.

rant alert…

Back story… I wrote a previous post but it was heavily self censored because as I said it was not coming out in print as well as it was intended. It sounded so profound, but I suspect that it was more of a 'laboratory' profundity than a profundity that could hold up under the weight of the real world.

A reader called me on what was clearly a less than authentic or well executed post and this was my response to her in an email. She encouraged me to post it here. I was a bit concerned about that in as much as it was in an email and I don't know all the ethical rules regarding posts and emails and all that. So here it is… Oh and I did include her comment for understanding of some of the references to stew and I did Dr. it up some for spelling and readability and the like.

This is the comment

Big Geek, it seems like you are playing fast and loose with the semantics of wording.

Acceptance; noun: a disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations.

Tolerance; noun: willingness to recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others.

I do not believe we are a melting pot at all. If you were to take several different metals and melt them down, the characteristics of those individual metals can no longer be distinguished. They are all blended together.

With people when acceptance and tolerance is used to appreciate the cultural differences between people we are more like a stew. Everyone still seen as individuals appreciating our own cultures and religious beliefs but each new person enhances the flavor and injects all new perspective to the dish.

So pour a glass of white or red wine and enjoy the stew!

This is my response: I have to say I am a little nervous about this... I was informed that she is going to re-comment on it because she love being challenged... I don't know if I should get some Preparation H or Aloe Vera for this.

Quite possibly you are right.

Like I said... it sounded so much better in my head while I was thinking about it than when I got it written out.

I used the Melting pot phrase in as much as it is a phrase that is thrown around all the time. I am not a fan of the phrase myself. It's too "quaint" (I think is the right way to explain how I feel about it.)

I should say that the post was leaning toward what you are about to read, assuming that you choose to read it, but I deleted the bulk of it several times and tried to just state the basic premise with no tonality and color painting. But this is just a whitewashing of the same old problems anyway, so as I said at the very end... never mind.

Now for the RANT

I think that too often cultural differences cause friction and tension that manifests itself in hate crimes and racism and whatever other bad result that comes to mind because so often there is no acceptance of differences. I imagine that religion is a part of it, but anymore everyone seems to be so touchy about their right to Not be offended any more. (See side bar warning) Somehow everone thinks "I have the right to... Insert cause here". There is no responsibility any more to the culture or the society it's all about ME. No one is willing to tolerate anything anymore. Everyone wants their apologies public, meaningless as they are.

The Shiites and the Sunnis and the Kurdish will, in my opinion, never get along with each other and by extension with the rest of the world because they are deeply steeped in their religion. How huge was the up roar over the Danish Comic strip? How often is Jesus slammed, shammed, defiled, mocked,satirized or displayed in an aquarium of urine? Does anyone die over that, did any one burn anything? I don't even think there was a law suit brought by any one. Before you say this about that I know that the wackjob Christian Fundamentalists blow up abortion clinics and that is hate full in the extreme and the Federal building thing in Oklahoma. Fundamentalist religious people are susceptible to that sort of thinking, but somehow I don't recall reading in the bible anywhere, where Jesus says to kill thy neighbor if their theology is mixed up or an irreverent cartoon is drawn by some none believer, and I never read any where Thou shalt blow things up? In general that was supposed to be left to God. "Vengeance is mine sayth the Lord", I think is the line.

This whole diatribe was a result of some news story I heard, about tolerance and quite frankly I have heard enough regarding how we all need to 'tolerate' this or that... shoot now I don't even recall the story. But the world is full of stories where in some "minority" feels slighted, diminished, ridiculed or oppressed somehow and EVERYONE has to accommodate their new "taste contribution" to the stew, especially the Muslims right now. It aggravates me no end that a Muslim family can take a School to court to force a first grade girl to stop using her "Winnie the Poo and Piglet Too" lunch box because there is a Muslim girl in her class who is twisted out of shape about seeing the pig on the lunch box. Unarguably Winnie the Poo and Piglet Too have been a part of American tradition for many decades and is a children's favorite. I still have my daughters Winnie The Poo bed sheets. Sears Makes Plenty of money on that franchise which implies that it is a Huge part of American traditional school age up bringing... but now suddenly Piglet is no longer tolerable because some "new" flavor has been added to the stew, which in my opinion renders the stew bitter and unpalatable, bordering on inedible.

It is my fervent belief that if you decide to move to America you should understand what it is you are signing up for. If you have a belief/idea/thought that is outside the norm it is YOU who has to do the tolerating not the rest of the world around YOU. And if you have a belief that is illegal in this country I feel that if You are moving here and want to BE here You should be resigned to give that up... ritual sacrifice and the like. If you move to any other country in the world, Mexico for example, You have to learn Their language. The Mexican government is not going to have English speaking teachers for your kids so they can understand what is being taught. The Mexican Government is not going to provide you with Korean, Vietnamese, Chinese, Brazilian, Ecuadorian, Honduran or any other of the two dozen or more languages that our government prints driver's license paperwork. YOU better have your papers on you and in order every minute of every day because if you do not and are picked up for even the slightest infraction, even if the infraction is imagined and NOT real you are... well unpleasantness shall befall you in a great hurry and relief is not coming in great hurry. The same conditions exist in any other nation on the planet. I am DOUBLE sure that is the case for EVERY Muslim country like say Saudi Arabia and I am Triply sure about Iran! I happen to know about Korea and Algeria... do not get sideways with those law enforcement agencies!

In the past when you moved to America you wanted to be an American and all that comes with it. You wanted to embrace the culture the holidays including Christmas, the work ethic, the language and… well all else that comes with being an American. If you were going to add your flavor to the stew you didn't do it by JAMMING it down the throats of your neighbors with legal action at every turn. This very much spoils the stew and leaves a bitter taste on everybody's pallet. If you want your heritage on display or preserved You opend a restaurant or a shop or have a festival celebrating Your cultural heritage by INVITING people to Participate. ***I say all that...about the America typified by the industrial age beginning shortly after we finally did away with the natives that were here LONG before we hit the Rock at Plymouth to make some beer because we ran out of water on the boat. Another rant for another time.***

The whole gay rights thing another area where "Tolerance" is called for/demanded. It is something that I am softening up on rather quickly. I have read the bible and So far as I recall there was only one reference to homosexuality, and it was strictly speaking not a very direct reference. I was anti gay marriage for a long time, hanging my belief on the idea that Marriage is a religious thing and that the bible and by extension God was anti gay-ness... I don't see that so black and white any more. And marriage is principally a government sponsored thing anymore anyway. You just have look at the divorce rate to see that. It's been said that Gay people should be able to share in the heart break and misery of divorce as much as anyone else. In general Marriage has become a meaningless institution anymore any way. Which is a shame because many people take it very seriously but not from a religious point of view… I don't think.

SOOoooo...I was trying to change, somehow, the reference to "Tolerance" because in my mind to "tolerate" something is to put up with no recognition or acceptance of differences or respect of any kind because you are forced to by some outside influence, law or threat of harm or terror, to put up with the situation.

When I look up Tolerate I find words like endure and discomfort and bear all of which imply the idea that you would much rather NOT be tolerating this whatever IT is. Tolerate has a much more of a negative connotation and or distasteful word in my opinion. (color painting)

When I look up accept I find words like willingly, approval, favorable all of which implies that this is a softer more fitting/hopeful word for this situation. Accept has a much more positive connotation, again, just my opinion. (more color painting)

But again in the final analysis it was just a whitewashing of this idea/concept any way. It was my feeble attempt to say that if we explained our differences to, say, Osama B. that he would say "OH now I get it, So you're not the Devil. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, lets have a beer on me... sorry about the whole Trade Towers thing. I had no idea that would happen. I really got my moneys worth out of that little joke didn't I, never mind then." and turn himself in for trial. Aint a gonna happen.

And again like I said at the head of this thing and the post... it sounded so much more profound while I was thinking about it than after I got it written... same with this I guess.

Thank you for calling me on this... It forces me to think through more thoroughly the ideas.

Big Geek.