Last night I was lying in bed angry and sad and desolate. I started praying and about a moment into that I thought "What is the point of this?" I have blown my last chance with my Sweety and there is no longer any point at all in prayer. Jesus gave me that last chance and I pissed it way. Don't bother Jesus isn't listening anymore. It's the worst thing in the world to lie next to your love and crave their touch but at the same instance feel that if they touched you, you would brush them away for in spite. There is no more helpless place, for me any way, to be praying for a thing, and in the same moment, resenting that very thing.
Friday, March 5, 2010
more on unemployment part deaux
Unemployment really screws with your sense of belonging and worth. If you have no real job to be at and no rhythm in your days a powerful feeling of inertia can set in. I am busy doing things for people that I think i would normal be paid for but as I said unemployment messes with your sense of worth so I don't ask for pay. I feel that some how if I ask for pay then I am not a goof person or that they will not have me around to do these things.
It doesn't take much to push that feeling over the top and have you sitting and trolling the internet for stuff or watching TV or any thing nonproductive. For me its the cold. The cold sets me to doing nothing. I must have frost nipped my hands last year while being macho and riding the motorcycle in the 26 degree weather. My hands start aching so bad at the least drop of the thermostat. And I am being cheap on electricity because I am BROKE and not using the heater. The house stays at about 54 degrees unassisted. It doesn't matter that I am wearing three shirts and a jacket two long under-wares and sweatpants, I am still cold.
I just dread going outside.
This is what agoraphobics must feel like.
It doesn't take much to push that feeling over the top and have you sitting and trolling the internet for stuff or watching TV or any thing nonproductive. For me its the cold. The cold sets me to doing nothing. I must have frost nipped my hands last year while being macho and riding the motorcycle in the 26 degree weather. My hands start aching so bad at the least drop of the thermostat. And I am being cheap on electricity because I am BROKE and not using the heater. The house stays at about 54 degrees unassisted. It doesn't matter that I am wearing three shirts and a jacket two long under-wares and sweatpants, I am still cold.
I just dread going outside.
This is what agoraphobics must feel like.
Monday, March 1, 2010
interesting learning experience
I had an opportunity to observe and 'learn' something about breasts this weekend.
It must be a very strange thing for a woman to have a body part, specifically her breasts, go from a principally recreational and ornamental state to a principally utility state.
After a woman gives birth to her baby and decides to breast feed her breasts somehow transform from a sexy private body part to a public concern body part. It seems that a woman's breasts become sort of a 'public domain, topic of conversation'. Every one is suddenly entitled to comment on issues surrounding breast feeding and her breasts in general. Not just specifically related breast feeding questions but general observational questions and commentary about her breasts as well. There is no way, I don't think, that most women would allow their breasts to be openly discussed in mixed company with out they were at an orgy or some other such gathering. Issues of nipple soreness, and nipple size, nipple color, breast tenderness, breast firmness, breast weight and size and milk quantities, how many ounces at a time... left and right... the list goes on.
And now the utility aspect of breast feeding. There is the whole discussion about how much water you have to drink in order to keep up adequate milk production, what foods and or supplements aid in milk production. "I have to pump X number of ounces every Y number of hours so I can have enough for her to feed at the last feeding because I don't produce enough at once for her to be satisfied and sleep the night through." The whole talk really begins to sound rather clinical and dairy related. It takes all the intimacy out of the mother baby relationship. I can see how a woman could begin to feel very much like some kind of milk dispensing machine. Suddenly her baby and her life, at some level, revolve around her breasts and her baby and the milk production for the baby, the time of day and the quantities of milk that she can produce, what she can or can not eat which will affect the milk taste the weirdness of being in the shower and having her milk spontaneously let down or worse yet hearing some other baby cry and spontaneously letting down in public. Having to ware nipple pads to keep her clothing dry... suddenly her breasts are no longer very sexy or intimate or private. They are just inconvenient baby food production units hanging heavily on her chest.
There are laws in some locals regarding breast feeding babies. In some places its is considered publicly ok and others it is not. As for me, I think a woman should be a bit modest about the process. I don't think it is fitting and appropriate to just whip out a boob and feed your baby right there standing on a street corner or on the bus. As much as I am in favor of publicly naked breasts I think that it is still not appropriate to be fully exposed in a fully public place, breast feeding a baby. I guess in my mind it is a private and intimate thing. That is not to say that I think it should be illegal. I just think that a modicum of decorum should be observed is all. Use a blanket to cover up the proceedings. There is the possibility of causing an "Attractive Nuisances" condition. Some poor slob walking down the street might be caught unaware and find him self staring and step off the curb in the a fore mentioned staring unaware state in front of an oncoming bus. I can think of dozens of scenarios like that. Clearly I am conflicted about this. Americans are not yet ready to see naked breasts in public with out some level of shock and distraction. I am very in favor of changing that. It seems only fitting that if men can go around on a hot day with out a shirt women should be afforded the same consideration. Alas, I don't see that happening any time soon.
I can not imagine being involved in the the conversation like that regarding a man's dick. Clearly there is no correlation, but assuming there was for some reason that would be a weird conversation indeed... How big did it get? Did it get 12 or 14 inches long, did it get thick like a can of Fosters Beer? Does it hurt when she gives you head? Is she afraid to let you near her Whonanny with it? Can she get her hands around it... her mouth?
oh and one more thing... Breasts do seem to be getting more "main Stream" that is to say we are seeing much more of them. Watch the award shows and you will see plenty of dresses that expose plenty of breast. Any dress that requires tape to keep it legal is trying to hard. Some day soon, as one-ups-manship creeps along, there will come a day when Jenifer Lopez, or like, will show up with only a skirt and no blouse at all, or just the barest showing of fabric claiming to be a blouse. Stay tuned.
It must be a very strange thing for a woman to have a body part, specifically her breasts, go from a principally recreational and ornamental state to a principally utility state.
After a woman gives birth to her baby and decides to breast feed her breasts somehow transform from a sexy private body part to a public concern body part. It seems that a woman's breasts become sort of a 'public domain, topic of conversation'. Every one is suddenly entitled to comment on issues surrounding breast feeding and her breasts in general. Not just specifically related breast feeding questions but general observational questions and commentary about her breasts as well. There is no way, I don't think, that most women would allow their breasts to be openly discussed in mixed company with out they were at an orgy or some other such gathering. Issues of nipple soreness, and nipple size, nipple color, breast tenderness, breast firmness, breast weight and size and milk quantities, how many ounces at a time... left and right... the list goes on.
And now the utility aspect of breast feeding. There is the whole discussion about how much water you have to drink in order to keep up adequate milk production, what foods and or supplements aid in milk production. "I have to pump X number of ounces every Y number of hours so I can have enough for her to feed at the last feeding because I don't produce enough at once for her to be satisfied and sleep the night through." The whole talk really begins to sound rather clinical and dairy related. It takes all the intimacy out of the mother baby relationship. I can see how a woman could begin to feel very much like some kind of milk dispensing machine. Suddenly her baby and her life, at some level, revolve around her breasts and her baby and the milk production for the baby, the time of day and the quantities of milk that she can produce, what she can or can not eat which will affect the milk taste the weirdness of being in the shower and having her milk spontaneously let down or worse yet hearing some other baby cry and spontaneously letting down in public. Having to ware nipple pads to keep her clothing dry... suddenly her breasts are no longer very sexy or intimate or private. They are just inconvenient baby food production units hanging heavily on her chest.
There are laws in some locals regarding breast feeding babies. In some places its is considered publicly ok and others it is not. As for me, I think a woman should be a bit modest about the process. I don't think it is fitting and appropriate to just whip out a boob and feed your baby right there standing on a street corner or on the bus. As much as I am in favor of publicly naked breasts I think that it is still not appropriate to be fully exposed in a fully public place, breast feeding a baby. I guess in my mind it is a private and intimate thing. That is not to say that I think it should be illegal. I just think that a modicum of decorum should be observed is all. Use a blanket to cover up the proceedings. There is the possibility of causing an "Attractive Nuisances" condition. Some poor slob walking down the street might be caught unaware and find him self staring and step off the curb in the a fore mentioned staring unaware state in front of an oncoming bus. I can think of dozens of scenarios like that. Clearly I am conflicted about this. Americans are not yet ready to see naked breasts in public with out some level of shock and distraction. I am very in favor of changing that. It seems only fitting that if men can go around on a hot day with out a shirt women should be afforded the same consideration. Alas, I don't see that happening any time soon.
I can not imagine being involved in the the conversation like that regarding a man's dick. Clearly there is no correlation, but assuming there was for some reason that would be a weird conversation indeed... How big did it get? Did it get 12 or 14 inches long, did it get thick like a can of Fosters Beer? Does it hurt when she gives you head? Is she afraid to let you near her Whonanny with it? Can she get her hands around it... her mouth?
oh and one more thing... Breasts do seem to be getting more "main Stream" that is to say we are seeing much more of them. Watch the award shows and you will see plenty of dresses that expose plenty of breast. Any dress that requires tape to keep it legal is trying to hard. Some day soon, as one-ups-manship creeps along, there will come a day when Jenifer Lopez, or like, will show up with only a skirt and no blouse at all, or just the barest showing of fabric claiming to be a blouse. Stay tuned.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
some why's of women
Why is it ok to compliment a woman on her hair... "wow You have remarkably shiny hair" or "That is a beautiful hair style" or "What a gorgeous dress you have on"? But if you tell her she has a shapely posterior or a magnificent pair of breasts you get your face slapped off your head?
I saw a woman at the grocery story with a stunning figure, tall and very very busty and very proportional.
I was awestruck and very much wanted to say something regarding her appearance, but she wasn't wearing any thing out of the ordinary and didn't have amazing hair or any thing socially acceptable to comment on. So I felt stuck for something to say. I don't think walking up to a stranger and saying "Wow you have magnificent breasts" is going to get you any thing but a harassment charge or some such. Even if you used the no sexually charged 'Breasts' word and not Titts or Boobs. It just cant be done.
Men on the other hand. I cant imagine a guy that wouldn't not be um... "flattered" to have a woman , covertly or overtly walk up to him and say "I couldn't help but notice your colossal Johnson there in your pocket, can I feel it?" No man would say no.
I can only imagine that it has something to do with predator and prey mentality.
I saw a woman at the grocery story with a stunning figure, tall and very very busty and very proportional.
I was awestruck and very much wanted to say something regarding her appearance, but she wasn't wearing any thing out of the ordinary and didn't have amazing hair or any thing socially acceptable to comment on. So I felt stuck for something to say. I don't think walking up to a stranger and saying "Wow you have magnificent breasts" is going to get you any thing but a harassment charge or some such. Even if you used the no sexually charged 'Breasts' word and not Titts or Boobs. It just cant be done.
Men on the other hand. I cant imagine a guy that wouldn't not be um... "flattered" to have a woman , covertly or overtly walk up to him and say "I couldn't help but notice your colossal Johnson there in your pocket, can I feel it?" No man would say no.
I can only imagine that it has something to do with predator and prey mentality.
happiness function
If you could plot happiness and life or living on a graph I wonder which vector would be heaviest. Happiness or living.
Would you say that you are alive because you are happy? Or would you say that you are happy because you are alive.
The Two are some what different statements. One would seem to say that you are happy that you are not dead. Arguably the better of the two points to be in touch with. The other would be more precarious... you are only alive when you are happy. Being happy takes work if you are not simply happy to be alive. I fear that I am not simply happy to be alive. There doesn't seem to be much point to living and working and "Fighting the Good fight" day in and day out fighting back against the glacial grind of every day living. It seems to me that the happy, fulfilling moments are few and far between and as time goes by they get fewer and further between.
I believe that I used to use sex as a way to medicate this malaise away. For a while now I have been white knuckling it and willing my self to believe that things will get better. Then you have days like yesterday. Nothing so very horrible but amazingly taxing. When you go to turn on a light at the switch and you miss the first time then the second time and the third... which brings you to a full stop to turn and LOOK right at the ,now damned switch which you could swear is dodging your efforts, and even with your full attention focused laser like on the , still damned switch, you some how flip it with such a burst of hate and energy that you manage to flip it so that it flips back off. You can almost hear it doing the "Neener Neener" taunt.
Days like that really take a toll on your/my ability to be happy. I wonder that your self worth isn't dragged into this sort of maelstrom when you cant seem to get any thing done even something as simple as turning on a light. I know days like that and the often referred to unemployment thing really mess with your head.
I did however not medicate in the used to be standard way, No porn... yet.
Would you say that you are alive because you are happy? Or would you say that you are happy because you are alive.
The Two are some what different statements. One would seem to say that you are happy that you are not dead. Arguably the better of the two points to be in touch with. The other would be more precarious... you are only alive when you are happy. Being happy takes work if you are not simply happy to be alive. I fear that I am not simply happy to be alive. There doesn't seem to be much point to living and working and "Fighting the Good fight" day in and day out fighting back against the glacial grind of every day living. It seems to me that the happy, fulfilling moments are few and far between and as time goes by they get fewer and further between.
I believe that I used to use sex as a way to medicate this malaise away. For a while now I have been white knuckling it and willing my self to believe that things will get better. Then you have days like yesterday. Nothing so very horrible but amazingly taxing. When you go to turn on a light at the switch and you miss the first time then the second time and the third... which brings you to a full stop to turn and LOOK right at the ,now damned switch which you could swear is dodging your efforts, and even with your full attention focused laser like on the , still damned switch, you some how flip it with such a burst of hate and energy that you manage to flip it so that it flips back off. You can almost hear it doing the "Neener Neener" taunt.
Days like that really take a toll on your/my ability to be happy. I wonder that your self worth isn't dragged into this sort of maelstrom when you cant seem to get any thing done even something as simple as turning on a light. I know days like that and the often referred to unemployment thing really mess with your head.
I did however not medicate in the used to be standard way, No porn... yet.
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