unemployment sucks

I have been out of work for something over a year now. I have been picking up odd jobs here and there for friends now and again but by and large there is just nothing going on work wise. I have nearly two and half decades of experience at my profession and I am thinking that I am going to loose all that to a job in a warehouse or UPS or something like that IF I can even get that!
I talked to a guy while standing out side the Costco waiting for it to open the other day. He has been out of work almost two years. It seems that in another year or so his social security will kick in. He is in school now but he is "seriously" considering just taking the early retirement thing with the social security and "living small'.
I was having panic attacks about winding up homeless which manifest themselves as gagging and retching... most unpleasant.

Sex rehabing

So I watched the 7th installment of the Sex-rehab. I was impossibly disappointed for two reasons. 1: This was the penultimate episode. And 2: Kari Ann and her 'drama' hijacked the whole darn show. There were 4 epiphany moments where I learned something Duncan Roy, Jennie Ketchum, Amber Smith and Phil Verone had moments that were worth seeing. More of the time, questions and the therapy surrounding those moments could have been GREAT! I was hoping for so much more. By showing more moments like those and editing fairly they could have kept the drama down and the benefit to the viewers up. And the interest level could have been just as high. The editors and the producers really needed to understand what it was they could have been doing with this show. The rehab shows could be so much better and so helpful. I don't think these types of shows need drama to make them worth watching. Those moments with Varone and Roy and Smith were amazingly heartwarming. All the Kari Ann Drama was simply infuriating. These shows could be Reality TV truly worth watching not just more none-reality-reality waste of airtime. I don't know which is better to get a bunch of people blogging and crabbing about the drama or a bunch of people blogging about how great the show was and how helpful it was for them in their lives. Perhaps they didn't want to be giving away Jill's and Dr. Drew's work or something. Why bother with a show like this, why bother going on to expose yourself to the 'world' your sex-addiction if you weren't trying to help someone. I read somewhere that there was a significant pay-check involved. Oh boy… more "Follow the money". I hope for better next time.

And the answer is…

I guess I have my answer… any sex is too much sex. I really hate being alive today. Being a depressive type any way the thought that I will be vexed by this condition the rest of my life is a bit too much to tolerate just now.

The more you know

I as I said I have been reading up on sexual anorexia. I think I flipped from sex addiction to sex anorexia. It fits a bit better with how I am feeling now. In sex addiction addicts cannot control their sexual activities. Which is how I used to run my life or should I say how my 'life' ran me. The woman I love and who loves me IS open and available to me. I have no excuse for any of this other than I feel trapped by fear of rejection. The feelings that come from rejections are bone crushing. From The List #3: So I imagine rationalize scenarios in my head that allow me to forgo the intimacy with the woman I love to avoid the hurt. I am depriving her of the intimacy she looks to me for also. But in my head I imagine that she doesn't want intimacy with me because I am foul and unlovable. I rationalize that she works hard and comes home late and doesn't want to be accosted by me at the door all horny and humping her leg. Which is how I view my attempts to be intimate with her. Even th0ugh in reality I am probably so timid about it that she likely doesn't even notice my efforts or I am so pent-up that I not so subtle. I feel hurt by her apparent lack of interest in what I am going through. I have been VERY open and verbal about all this with her. I have written her letters many time and she still doesn't seem interested. Maybe I wouldn't either if she had some 'weird' eating disorder or other. I don't know. I like to think I would support her but I don't know.

I have to start trying to take chances.

…sex rehab-2

So I watched the sex-rehab show today and have lost a great deal of respect for staff. Not so much Selma but for Dr. Drew and the people watching the daily video taken. And they surely are watching this footage. Somehow I think that they should have seen this or something like this coming. ALL of the staff should have been involved in meetings about the progress of the patients. Kari's behavior would surely have been at the top of that list of things to discuss. Selma should have A: received some more coaching or counseling as to how to handle extremely resistant patients. B: been replaced as the "ward nurse" for a period of time or the remainder of the show before this situation escalated to the level of termination. C: been told to walk away and report any and all of Kari Ann's offensive behavior. At the very least the Dr.'s should have been on Kari Ann before they had to fire someone because of her problems. I saw this coming and I am no professional.

This form of acting out must be a coping mechanism that Kari Ann developed long ago when she was being abused. I believe that Kari Ann has employed this mechanism before, and effectively. Kari Ann pushes and pushes and pushes anybody that get's 'in her face', until that person father, boyfriend, teacher, anyone calling her to be responsible or reasonable, just gives up and goes away or retaliates. If they go away go away she doesn't have deal with the person in her face or be responsible. Problem solved. If the person retaliates she can claim to be the sympathetic victim and those around her will lavish her with sympathy, love and attention which she craves. The person in her face is goes away… again, and again, she no longer needs to deal with the person in her face or her responsibilities. And again problem solved. With her looks and the sweet charm she can affect this is a perfect mechanism for her to employ.

I was sort of hoping to get some tools that I could use to work through my addiction from this show. This is not one of them. I am beginning to think that the only thing I will get is irritated. Last week Kari Ann seemed to be on the verge of getting a grip on her pathology. Her Perfect smile cracked… a bit. That progress seems to have evaporated.

Don't get me wrong about her. I feel for her pain, I do. But I don't think she does. But maybe she can't… yet. I hope she can snap into it soon before I have to quit watching.

I think Kari Ann should read the list from my previous post. I imagine she has participated in all or most of the list. I know I have. Speaking of that list I found that on a Polyamory FAQ page while I was investigating sexual dysfunction. I was stunned by how much of the list I had mastered Long ago. And am embarrassed by how much of it I still use. Those tips work, I promise. By employing them myself I managed to destroy my marriage, cripple my life and definitely impact my daughter's life in a very negative way. If this were a computer game I would have the HIGH score. I thought I invented some of that stuff. Particularly 2, 3, 4, 7 and 8. I am personally employing strategy 7 just now. I can see it happening. I know it's counterproductive in the extreme. It feels like I am trapped, riding along inside some another body. I don't want to be doing this but I can't find the over ride button or the eject handle.

I have been reading about sexual anorexia. Holly smokes maybe this fits me better. I am beginning to sound like a hypochondriac. But the fear of rejection and criticism line nails me. It is excruciating.

Is there a sexual bulimia?