I am getting more screwed up every day

I used to think about sex all the time and happily so. I beat the typical male average of sex thoughts per minute by at least twice. In my work I was the resident pervert and happily so. Any more I find my self disgusted when I think about sex or sexual things. The very notion of exchanging bodily fluids makes me just sick any more. The thought of part of my body being inside another persons body... it just creeps me out... then my dick get firm and then some how magically it become ok again. I am having a difficult time resolving those disparate thought processes. They come and go in nanoseconds... I am losing it I can feel it seeping out of my soul. My will to live my desire to carry on, its dwindling slowly.
My mom said something very similar. She is the APEX of health. None in her world are healthier. Her Acupuncturist and her Chiropractor her Herbalist, they all tell her the same thing... you will live 30 more years. She is 80 now. She screams "NO, don't say that".
I am getting to feel the same thing but I don't think I have that fate to look forward to. I abused my body rather considerably in my youth.

stuff

First up; I am listening to the Bob and Tom radio show on occasion. The have "hipped" me to theses to funny websites.

Texts from Last night

and

It was over when...

Next; I was trolling my favorite blog and she appears to have set up remote surveillance in my head. She was describing the 'voices' in her head. I was floored when I read on her blog the words of the voices in my head. It was a chilling experience. I could not believe it. The "not good enough", "the failure", "the fraud" it was uncanny. I often wonder how it is that no one else can hear what goes on in my head. The voice, that inner voice, is so loud, so constant so critical. I constantly wonder when some one is going to figure me out and then all the cards will fall and that will be that and I will live out my days under a bridge somewhere.
I think that being unemployed for so long is making this worse.
I am hopeful about two opportunities but I can feel it coming, the We figured you out. We heard the Voices, don't call here again.

more on unemployment part une

Being unemployed for a LONG time really messes with your head... really. This morning I got up to go to work (temporary though it is) at 4:00 am. I thought to my self maybe I will get hit by a truck on the Foggy highway and then I wont have to mess with this again

new widget thingy

I like the new widget thingy. It was remarkably easy to install and customize. I was surprised. This is where I got it.

http://www.bloggerbuster.com/2008/08/blogumus-flash-animated-label-cloud-for.html

In the nick of case you are interested at all.

wow...

I had not looked at my blog for a long time. I said some time ago that I am naturally a lazy person but this is ridiculous. Until just very recently I have not been screaming busy... (I am now though and might even get paid for it... accent on might). I read a great book watched a LOT of TV. For those who ware commenting and following I apologize for falling off the face of the planet. I didn't even know I had commentary. I would certainly have been writing more had I known that. Commentary makes this more worth doing... more interactive sort of. I got some very nice comments, Thank yo very much for those... and a spam, never seen that before. Gobs of spam in email but never have I seen it on my unknown blog.

I had a fight with a bout of back sliding... I found my self obsessed with a porn video I saw a Long time ago... some time last summer. I made it a quest to find it again and for a time tried to find a way to down load it. After a few days of that I got bored with that and fell back in line with my sobriety. I have determined, as much as any one can determine what constitutes sobriety for them selves, that my sobriety is not having contact with a woman I had the red hots for for a very long time. I denied it to every one and my self. I "claimed" that I wanted to be "just friends". I had a MOUNTAIN of reasons and rationalizations for the "friendship" but in the end it was not good for me. I hate that I ended it the way I did but now that it has been almost a year and a half or more I cant call and explain myself that would be counter productive and well I don't think I would stay sober after that... better this way sort of. As for Porn... I find my self drawn to it on lonely nights but its boring to me now. There is a draw but its boring and its a time sink. I did find the porn video and I book marked a link to it. I look at the link and sort of now it has become a symbol of what I need to NOT do on the internet.