I heard to day...

I heard some one say "Close the door... were you raised in a barn?

Being who I am it occurred to me that if you were raised in a barn you would be scrupulous about closing the door. In all likely hood if you left the barn door open ever you would get your ass kicked for it.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps they used the wrong phrase there

screen saving and desk tops

I don't really pay too much attention to peoples desktops. But the other day I started noticing them. It started when I was walking through the office of a place where I am working and the woman at the front desk... crud I don't even know what all she does she seems to do every thing, has a big splashy picture of what would appear to be a bamboo hut next to a palm tree on a white sandy beach somewhere nowhere.

I my self do not have a back ground. I have a black screen. The icons don't get lost in the pictures and the colors seem brighter that way. Similarly I have just a black screen saver. No splashy aquariums or 3D pipes snaking themselves around the screen, just blank black scren. I have thought about captureing some scarry "Blue Screen Of Death" shot and using that to freak people out. But that really doesn't save the screen so no on that.

What does this say about me?

I woke up Wednesday morning…

I woke up with a portion of a song title rattling around in my head. I am not a big deal song aficionado kind of person who knows all the songs and all the lyrics of every song I have ever heard in fact most songs I hear on the radio I only know the "Weird Al" versions to anyway.

So any way as I was getting to this first part was ratting around in my head… "People living in competition…"

It took me a few minutes laying there to figure out that the next line was… "I don't care if I get behind"

I could hear, far off in the distance the rest of that line… but could not quite get a handle on it.

Another half hour or even a shorty sleep cycle I figured out that the remaining pertinent bit was… "All I want is to have some peace of mind."

Boston tune I think.

Later in the day I "Quit", for the first time in my life, a job of sorts. It wasn't a real job really more like a Mercy Fuck only I was getting fucked and not in the way that I might could like. This "job" was costing me just about as much as it was paying. I was buying the tooling and the materials and spending time there for free when I could have been working at another much more lucrative place. I broke a tool, that I bought, my last.

It snapped and so did I.

Wow I didn't expect to feel so crappy about it after the fact. I felt like such a failure, such a looser. The Voices in my head kept shouting to get back there and apologize for my momentary lapse in sanity and beg for that job back. It's one of three that I am working… now two. It was a situational thing, nothing to do with the guy I was working for ... he is a good guy. In fact I wish I could still work for him weekends or something.

That "job" was robbing me of all my peace of mind.

Now a little less.

breasts

I wonder if all men are as fixated on breasts as I am.

I am beginning to formulate an Idea about the kinds of breasts you find and where you find them.
I was at Walmart/Wallyworld yesterday and a variety of other place. the people, women and by consequence the breasts you see in the different places is remarkable.
If you like really colossal large breasts then Walmart is the place to be. Of course the women toting them around are really colossal as well. Although in fairness there are the stick thin heroin addicted types running around as well.
Then I was at Big R later. There I noticed generally fit and more average and tougher hard working women. I didn't see any evidence of heroin use or thyroid conditions there.
I was at Costco as well. Costco is a broader cross section of a demographic I guess. there also seems to be some lower end gating factor... member ships issues I assumed that I didn't see evidence of heroin use. But there was, at a much reduced percentage than at Walmart thyroid conditions but something I don't see much of any where else very tall women. I am about 6'2" or three depending it i am trying to impress someone. Women well over 5'10" inches some into the 6' range. that is the only place I see them though.

unemployment more

Another reason unemployment sucks... the cronic rejection of applying for jobs or even worse is the even more prevelant the feeling of being ignored completely. There is no more going and meeting a manager face to face for applying for jobs. "That is all handled online now Thanks for asking though." So you go online and apply and submit a resume and wait and... nothing not a thank you for applying not a we aren't hiring right now even just... nothing. It feels like your submission spilled out the end of some network/internet cable some where on to a floor where someone, with a job, wiped it up and environmentally appropriately disposed of it. It worries me that I failed to do something correctly and that the application didnt get submitted or something... you just dont know. That feeling creeps up on you after a while. I worry that the longer I say unemployed the less likely it is that I will get rehired. some how I am no-longer current enough on any level to be worth hiring. It feels like you stop knowing things in general... may that is just me.

This must be what actors who are starting out go through at some level.

It really batters your self... well everything, worth, confidence, (and the dreaded) esteem. It batters your image of your self as a man... cant support yourself let alone a family. I think that most men are very tied into what they do for work as who they are as a person. Question; Who are you... Answer, I am an engineer. Possibly that is because lots of men my self included/especially that is all they do... work at what ever it is that they do.

The weird part of all this as I recall from my econ class, decades ago, that the unemployment rate was supposed to be at or about 10%. I don't recall the whys and therefore's but I recall that figure. And as I understand it the unemployment rate is at or about 9 and some percent now.