The Ex Part Deux

    So it's been a very long time since I posted any thing. I wrote volumes but posted nothing.

    I just posted this and saw my disclaimer there shouting at me about being tough... guess I should have read that as I was writing it.
The short of it is that me and my ex had a very hot sex life but I lost sight of that when I found internet porn.

    While I was writing about her I did something I had not done before I wrote from the beginning. Previously all my thoughts, ruminations, introspections, considerations, pontifications, rants I worked from the present back. That thought vector front loaded the process with hate, anger, frustration, anxiety, loss... but starting from the beginning somehow did not. This thinking really took me by surprise, ambushed me, sucker punched me. As I began to think back on our lives one "Dear Penthouse Forum'... story after another came to mind. I started writing them initially with the intent to populate this blog with them for a couple months... but as time went on and I got closer to the "bad time" I found that I could no longer write them and was increasingly ashamed of how I destroyed our marriage so willingly, ignorantly, selfishly. The ex, was pretty hot. She could easily have held her own standing next to many porn stars. She was also the prettiest of the wives of all or most of my friends wives and I imagine that our sex life was the hottest. She was tall and lean, blond with blue gray eyes. But I wanted more... always more.
Then Internet porn and online BBS's (the technology people used to communicate before texting and Facebook and MySpace and, and,...) came along and I was hooked on the next picture I could down load and the next "hot-chat" (what it was called before it was called cyber-sex) I could strike up.
I had a great job. She had a great job. We had a lovely daughter. We had great, fun friends. We were living in one of the greatest places on earth, proximate to San Francisco the epicenter of the wild and crazy sex world... and I pissed it all away.
Looking back this is what it must be like to have pissed away a fabulous life/future to coke or any other addiction. I always wondered... didn't they see this coming at them like a fucking freight train? I guess not. I/we escaped the coke addiction but I couldn't/didn't/wouldn't see the sex/porn addiction thing coming at me with all the horns blaring and smoke billowing wheels rumbling. I just kept buying the next best video card and the next fastest modem... 2400, 4800,9600,14400, I was on the bleeding edge here too... I was the first person I know that had an ISDN line in my home. I had one before most internet providers even knew what ISDN was. So for a couple years I was pretty brutally hooked on the cybersex and internet porn. After the ex left I hurt several other lovely women in a similar fashion.
I struggle with the internet porn thing still not to nearly the same degree but when I am angry or frustrated or depressed that is my 'drug' of choice. Now I am able to feel that urge rising and am able to get away from a computer in time, mostly, to avoid it. It really only makes me feel worse about my self and currently I do NOT need any help in that regard I feel plenty shitty all by my self.
For a while I was communicating with a lovely woman here online, she was/is a good friend with honesty and integrity. She pointed out some things that I was still blind to regarding my stuff. I thank her for her honesty.
Recently I have seen many shows on TV regarding internet porn addiction and cybersex addiction and it seems that the medical community is beginning to acknowledge the issue. I hope that some working protocols are developed to help shit heads like me to not be so shitty to their wives and loved ones. I guess that is the cost of being on the bleeding edge of a new sexual frontier. I imagine that when "The Pill" first got here there were plenty of women that got hurt by being on the bleeding edge of being sexually available with out barriers and responsibility of possible children and or abortions.

    So in summery... the breakup of my marriage was due to me being a selfish asshole.

    I see and read so much about others getting caught in that net of internet porn and it makes me sad and afraid for others. It seems that women are the fastest growing segment of population accessing porn on the internet. This sort of reminds me of the days when women "finally" got their own cigarettes... Yippy for them, now they can die just as horribly from heart disease and cancer as men. Now that is real equality. So now they can be just as addicted to porn as men. I wonder that they aren't as ready for this sort of thing. Men have been wallowing in porn stuff for ever, women not so much... at least I don't think so. But like alcohol some people are able to have just a drink and others can not stop at just a drink.

The Word…

Watch your thoughts; they become your words.

Watch your words; they become your actions.

Watch your actions; they become your habits.

Watch your habits; they become your character.

Watch your character; that will become your destiny.

Rosemary’s baby…

I hope that any one reading this recalls that Rosemary had a baby and there was a movie about that event.

So some years ago there was a country song out by Jessica Andrews titled "Who I am". The Chorus goes like this...

I am Rosemary's granddaughter.

The spitting image of my father.

And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan.

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy.

But I've got friends that love me.

And they know just where I stand.

It's all a part of me.

And that's who I am.

I was listening to this back when it was out and the first two lines really strike me every time I hear them.

So if this woman is Rosemary's granddaughter then she must be the daughter of Rosemary's baby. As I recall Rosemary's baby was possessed of cloven hooves and in all likelihood had horns… as in Satan. That leaves me with this; this is the daughter of Satan. The next line states that she is the spitting image of her father. Now depending on whom you talk to and the situation surrounding your encounter with Satan he, assuming a gender, is either a horribly ugly thing or an impossibly beautiful/handsome being. As I recall that is what got to Satan/Lucifer his pride and his narcissistic tendencies oh and pride. So Whoever Rosemary's granddaughter is could be either ridiculously ugly or painfully beautiful. The next two lines sort of clinch it for me though her momma is her biggest fan… is that another way of saying a face that only a mother could love? And the clueless and clumsy line; Cloven hooves could do that for you. Can you imagine playing High school girls basket ball with cloven hooves for feet? I imagine that she would have to disguise her feet and in all likelihood shave her legs and arms daily and would likely be sporting some ridiculously long and thick sideburns.

wow

occasionally I get really great email

Guilt…

I feel like a little of Jewish man… I harbor so much guilt. I feel like I could power a small city with the energy wasted on it… assuming you could somehow harness that energy.

There is so much guilt around these days.

The ever present for white guys… Privileged White Male Guilt.

Under that is the there is Black and Brown guilt.

The very popular Green guilt.

Under that we have the Recycling guilt. What is recyclable and what is not… It's so darn confusing and too much effort guilt

Electricity guilt. Did I turn off the lights soon enough am I keeping the phone chargers on a power strip and the strip turned off?

Use of oil guilt. I drive a 40 + year old car and it does not get great mileage and is not so very clean burning I am sure… but you will have to kill me to take it from me.

The not driving a Prius guilt.

Green house gas emissions guilt.

The Fur guilt. I don't own one but I like the fur just the same.

Meat guilt. I eat meat Chicken Steak, loves me the Rib Eye, fish.

Employment guilt… not having a real job guilt… not supporting your household like a "man" guilt

Sex guilt. Where do I start with this…

I like the Bigger boobs guilt.

I like looking at naked women guilt

I like the shapely posterior… nice ass (see even have to P.C. that up at first.)

I like the words that surround sex guilt… Pussy, cock, fuck, ass…

I like the kinky sex guilt. This is a very LONG list…

I like the porn guilt

The asking for sex guilt. She is a very busy woman.

The after mess guilt. Read; wetspot guilt

Was it good for you guilt? Do I have to ask… should I ask… crap I asked what a goof…

And the big one… Parental guilt

Was I firm enough guilt?

Was I lenient enough?

Did I get the things that she needed guilt?

Was I there enough for support?

was I detached enough to allow personal growth?

Did I teach good things by example or by counter example?

This list keeps on growing…