They use the word "commit" when discussing suicide. Which is interesting to me. Because indeed you do have to be "committed" to commit suicide. First off because in order to commit suicide you really have to want it. You really have to want it to over come that damned ol' pesky survival instinct shit. I have got to tell you that survival instinct thing is a real bitch. Because right at the last moment there comes into your mind all manner of fuck off second thoughts. But they aren't really about hope and the future so much just fuck off don't do it thoughts. No plan for the future, no things will get better, just stone cold stop. Just the Sweaty Shivering fitts of STOP. Which as I said before is a real bitch when you have gone through all the trouble of getting things ready.
Sometime ago I was experiencing what I have come to call 'The darkness'. What clinicians have called suicidal ideation. I believe that I have dealt with these thoughts most of my life at one time or another. In the most recent time I was going through some crappy issues of loss and hatred and rage and guilt for the hatred and rage and the loss was compounded with having been swindled out of $500,000.00 roughly. it was/is a mental thing that I am having a great deal of difficulty living with. Sometimes more than others. At the current time I am coping well enough I suppose. I tend to be standing with my great toe and the next toe over the abyssal of depression. That is The Darkness. A movie is coming out soon called "The Gorge" Looks good. But I say that to say this, the set designers did an amazing job of bringing to live my exact image of "The Darkness". When I first saw that 'set' I was stunned that they had been able to rob my mind of my inner hellscape. It was/is astounding.
But the last time I fell over this edge fairly significantly and as I recall quite by accident. At some time during the evening of the event I some how found my self talking to my would be sister in law. She was quite persistent in her attempts to keep my from the Darkness. Apparently I was lucid enough to construct a significantly cogent argument for rolling over the edge for the last time. We disconnected the call for the last time. Apparently she couldn't live with the knowledge that she could do something more. She called the Police who called the Sheriff and together with the paramedics they descended upon my home to collect me and force-ably remove me to a mental health cell at a local hospital where they held me for 7 days. During which time several bad things occurred around my home. the likes of which I will not go into just now. That may or may not be something I will journal about here. Just now my finger tips cant take too much more as I two finger type with my right index finger and with my left middle finger, you know Thee Finger, the Bird, Oh I really hate it when it does that. [UPDATE I have adopted a two index finger typing strategy. Its not helping much though.]
The apparently very cogent argument went something like this... Why is is so acceptable for pet owners to 'put down' their pets when the pet owners feel that the pet is in more distress that is "Humanely" appropriate? What is humanely appropriate anyway? How is that a human person can psychically make a determination as to whether their pet would like to carry on living or be sent off to the great bye and bye. Why is it so impossible for one human being to believe another human being that the party of the first part has had all that they can stand and no would no longer like to carry on living in what the party of the first part has determined is enough in what has become according to the party of the first part an untenable condition, be that a health related condition, a pain related condition, a sorrow related condition, a just plain lived long enough condition. I watched an old TV show from the 80's, "Moonlighting". The episode was titled "Witness to an execution". The principals of the show are contracted by an elderly gentleman to witness his death. The particulars are not of any great import for the purposes of this essay. What is of note is that the elderly gentleman was in poor health had lived over 90 years the only reason he was still alive was because the Medical Industry was keeping him that way in his words so they could siphon of his life's savings to line their own pockets. Which is true for a great many individuals today I imagine. There is much talk about mental health these days. But the principal thrust of this talk seems to revolve around medical treatments. Treatments not cures. If the medical industry suddenly could cure cancer or diabetes or any number of other illnesses they would go broke. A treatment keeps the sick person a slave to the pharmacological industry typically known as Big Pharma. There is much discussion in the senate confirmation hearings regarding Bobby Kennedy (I think is his name) He is set to really shake up the medical, food, and health industries in a big way. If President Donald J Trump has his way there will be a lot of very unhappy people in Washington. Because the stocks of this unholy triad will be shaken up and all of the corrupt senators and Congressmen et al will suddenly loose shit tonnes of money from their stock portfolios.
Anyway, there is as I think I mentioned a book and subsequent movie titled "They shoot Horses don't they?" that sort of follows what I am talking about here. Where does the line get drawn for the dolling out of empathy for a suffering being, human or otherwise? Does simply walking upright make it so? Why don't pet owners get brought up on charges for killing a beloved pet for assuming that they know enough about the pet's level of suffering or the stage of terminality (made up word) of the pets condition. Why don't we as a society or at a minimum humans afford our fellow humans the same level of dignity? Why do we get to force a person who is bedridden and in chronic pain that can only be 'treated' with horrible pain killers like Morphine of the dreaded Fentanyl? Why cant a person in this sort of condition make the determination for them selves where the line in the sand is. And where does it say that the person must be in some observable state of unease? Why cant that condition be in the mind of the party of the first part. After all where else does an individual experience their own condition? As stated in the movie "The Matrix" what we perceive is what we perceive, perception is realty after all. So if I, the party of the first part, have had enough of simply existing to collect a Social Security Check monthly only to live out my days waiting for the end why can't I declare that I have reached the level of endurance that I am prepared to endure simply because society has arbitrarily declared that this is the way it will be simply because I am an animal of the two legged variety. They roll out pleasant platitudes like suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Has it ever occurred to those that spout this drivel that the party of the first part may in fact looking for a Permanent solution? That the party of the first has seen enough of the gross injustices and the corruption and lies and wickedness in the world that their scenes have become overloaded by and polluted by this shit ball of a planet that we have ruined/created for ourselves. And that the party of the first part has simply and truthfully had all that they can stand. No amount of happy pills nor selfish platitudes will ever cover up the polluted ruination of a society that we have created and degenerated into by our own hand.
There are those among the living that wish to check out but are trapped "Hotel California" like by society and it's steadfast belief in the future and that there is some good thing coming down the pike or that is just around the next corner if we could only hold out for that one more day and the arrival of a golden ticket in the mail. Why should your belief in the future trump my lack of it.
Isn't that what true tolerance is all about?
Isn't tolerance the buzzword of the day?
Why does tolerance have to stop with the trans and the gay and the rest of the lgbtq crew? Why cant us miserable fucks get ourselves a stripe on the 'pride' flag? It seems that the black stripe is taken by the trans crowd. Selfish fucks. It does seem a bit more fitting for us.
[UPDATE: it seems that euthanasia is in fact legal in America. It seems that Oregon, Washington D.C., Hawaii, Washington, Maine, Colorado, New Jersey, California, and Vermont all have provisions for this. I wonder what the catch is? There must be a catch. Yeah it seems that you have got to have a terminal disease. I wonder if Extreme Depression could qualify]
I hope it but I doubt it.
[UPDATE: I did a thing online where you answer some questions and they tell you at what age you are expected to die/live to. It seems that I am expected to live until 84. Yippy fuck]
[UPDATE: It seems as a result of doing the life expectancy thing I was put on this email list]
https://www.aplaceformom.com/affiliate/aw?utm_subid=1003&utm_clickid=54189554&tid=%5bclick_id%5d
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