shutup already

Used to be when I would sit down to an evening of blog reading. I would read and comment on any or everything; politics, parenting, personal stories of triumph or tragedy, any thing that I had an opinion about it would spew out on to others commentary pages. Suddenly, how ever that has changed, mostly. I will start to write the commentary and after several editions and rewrites I click away from the page without leaving my comment.
In times gone by I have been sort of compulsive about answering questions even if I wasn't asked the question. And not just answering the question but going on to disgorge just about any and all information that might remotely pertain to the subject, or the history of, or future of, or anything directly or indirectly connected to the subject.
My daughter developed a "safe word" to let me know when I was going beyond the scope of the question and straying into pontificating.
I really became a bit ashamed of my compulsion... why cant I just shutup already.
So but anyway lately I have begun to be able to 'shutup already'

Partisipation

    In attempt to inject some fun into the rather feted pool of unpleasantness that this blog has become have decided for better or worse to participate in a Friday Flash Fiction... um thing and maybe I will try out some other similar stuff as well. Who knows where this could lead, NST, possibly HNT.
Below the post is a button to find out what this is all about.
Sooo here we go.



    The three of them stared at me when I burst through the doors. I was lost in the Palace and was desperate to find my way back to the Ball. Two of them glared at me, their eyes were somehow accusing, the third looked to be imploring me to come in and render aid of some sort. Suddenly I realized that she was looking at my codpiece with a hungry eye. The others continued to glare; willing me and my codpiece to burst into flames and drift away like a mote of dust drifting in a shaft of morning sun streaming in through a window. Dressed as they were I was struck by the half full or half empty glass puzzle… are these two women half dressed or half undressed, and are they helping this other woman into or out of her gown? Perhaps, had I lasted just a few more moments in the armory with the Princess, receiving my first Royal blowjob, this situation might have evolved sufficiently for me to make a more complete evaluation, but alas, my future Mother in-law must not be kept waiting, something about an after dinner snack.

The Ex Part Deux

    So it's been a very long time since I posted any thing. I wrote volumes but posted nothing.

    I just posted this and saw my disclaimer there shouting at me about being tough... guess I should have read that as I was writing it.
The short of it is that me and my ex had a very hot sex life but I lost sight of that when I found internet porn.

    While I was writing about her I did something I had not done before I wrote from the beginning. Previously all my thoughts, ruminations, introspections, considerations, pontifications, rants I worked from the present back. That thought vector front loaded the process with hate, anger, frustration, anxiety, loss... but starting from the beginning somehow did not. This thinking really took me by surprise, ambushed me, sucker punched me. As I began to think back on our lives one "Dear Penthouse Forum'... story after another came to mind. I started writing them initially with the intent to populate this blog with them for a couple months... but as time went on and I got closer to the "bad time" I found that I could no longer write them and was increasingly ashamed of how I destroyed our marriage so willingly, ignorantly, selfishly. The ex, was pretty hot. She could easily have held her own standing next to many porn stars. She was also the prettiest of the wives of all or most of my friends wives and I imagine that our sex life was the hottest. She was tall and lean, blond with blue gray eyes. But I wanted more... always more.
Then Internet porn and online BBS's (the technology people used to communicate before texting and Facebook and MySpace and, and,...) came along and I was hooked on the next picture I could down load and the next "hot-chat" (what it was called before it was called cyber-sex) I could strike up.
I had a great job. She had a great job. We had a lovely daughter. We had great, fun friends. We were living in one of the greatest places on earth, proximate to San Francisco the epicenter of the wild and crazy sex world... and I pissed it all away.
Looking back this is what it must be like to have pissed away a fabulous life/future to coke or any other addiction. I always wondered... didn't they see this coming at them like a fucking freight train? I guess not. I/we escaped the coke addiction but I couldn't/didn't/wouldn't see the sex/porn addiction thing coming at me with all the horns blaring and smoke billowing wheels rumbling. I just kept buying the next best video card and the next fastest modem... 2400, 4800,9600,14400, I was on the bleeding edge here too... I was the first person I know that had an ISDN line in my home. I had one before most internet providers even knew what ISDN was. So for a couple years I was pretty brutally hooked on the cybersex and internet porn. After the ex left I hurt several other lovely women in a similar fashion.
I struggle with the internet porn thing still not to nearly the same degree but when I am angry or frustrated or depressed that is my 'drug' of choice. Now I am able to feel that urge rising and am able to get away from a computer in time, mostly, to avoid it. It really only makes me feel worse about my self and currently I do NOT need any help in that regard I feel plenty shitty all by my self.
For a while I was communicating with a lovely woman here online, she was/is a good friend with honesty and integrity. She pointed out some things that I was still blind to regarding my stuff. I thank her for her honesty.
Recently I have seen many shows on TV regarding internet porn addiction and cybersex addiction and it seems that the medical community is beginning to acknowledge the issue. I hope that some working protocols are developed to help shit heads like me to not be so shitty to their wives and loved ones. I guess that is the cost of being on the bleeding edge of a new sexual frontier. I imagine that when "The Pill" first got here there were plenty of women that got hurt by being on the bleeding edge of being sexually available with out barriers and responsibility of possible children and or abortions.

    So in summery... the breakup of my marriage was due to me being a selfish asshole.

    I see and read so much about others getting caught in that net of internet porn and it makes me sad and afraid for others. It seems that women are the fastest growing segment of population accessing porn on the internet. This sort of reminds me of the days when women "finally" got their own cigarettes... Yippy for them, now they can die just as horribly from heart disease and cancer as men. Now that is real equality. So now they can be just as addicted to porn as men. I wonder that they aren't as ready for this sort of thing. Men have been wallowing in porn stuff for ever, women not so much... at least I don't think so. But like alcohol some people are able to have just a drink and others can not stop at just a drink.

The Word…

Watch your thoughts; they become your words.

Watch your words; they become your actions.

Watch your actions; they become your habits.

Watch your habits; they become your character.

Watch your character; that will become your destiny.

Rosemary’s baby…

I hope that any one reading this recalls that Rosemary had a baby and there was a movie about that event.

So some years ago there was a country song out by Jessica Andrews titled "Who I am". The Chorus goes like this...

I am Rosemary's granddaughter.

The spitting image of my father.

And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan.

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy.

But I've got friends that love me.

And they know just where I stand.

It's all a part of me.

And that's who I am.

I was listening to this back when it was out and the first two lines really strike me every time I hear them.

So if this woman is Rosemary's granddaughter then she must be the daughter of Rosemary's baby. As I recall Rosemary's baby was possessed of cloven hooves and in all likelihood had horns… as in Satan. That leaves me with this; this is the daughter of Satan. The next line states that she is the spitting image of her father. Now depending on whom you talk to and the situation surrounding your encounter with Satan he, assuming a gender, is either a horribly ugly thing or an impossibly beautiful/handsome being. As I recall that is what got to Satan/Lucifer his pride and his narcissistic tendencies oh and pride. So Whoever Rosemary's granddaughter is could be either ridiculously ugly or painfully beautiful. The next two lines sort of clinch it for me though her momma is her biggest fan… is that another way of saying a face that only a mother could love? And the clueless and clumsy line; Cloven hooves could do that for you. Can you imagine playing High school girls basket ball with cloven hooves for feet? I imagine that she would have to disguise her feet and in all likelihood shave her legs and arms daily and would likely be sporting some ridiculously long and thick sideburns.