About me

I decided that the racism thing can wait. I wrote a bunch of stuff up but saw that it was just so much ugly memories.

So, about me some.

I don't think you or the people I work with would know to see me or listen to me but I am a craven fraidy cat. I woke up this morning in the middle of what I would call a mid level panic attack. I live that way a lot; worrying about this and that and the other. It consumes me some times. I think that is why when I do something fun or interesting or build something cool I point it out to my family… they have gotten used to the idea that I do cool things and are no longer impressed. I am though. I always marvel at the end result, because I don't think I could have done it. I mentioned a while ago that my work is no longer fulfilling. It is starting to eat me. Yesterday the guy I sort of work for asked if I were up to a challenge. I about pissed my self. Not like this thing I am doing 12 hours a day going on 7 days a week isn't enough of a challenge? Now I have to sift through someone else's work and learn how they did it and how I am going to redo it. There are good notes, better notes than I make. In the past, though, my function was to do a thing then do a different thing. I never had to do the same thing again now or months later so I didn't need notes much except what I needed to get through the thing. This past couple years has been really trying. When I first moved here I had a job that was about the top end of what it is that I do. And I was not in any way ready for it. I was tossed, not in to the deep end alone… I was hurled in to the ocean in the middle of a "Perfect Storm", with no help… much. I had to learn the whole thing alone… mostly. That was nerve wracking day in and day out. That job went away, moved out of state. Now I am in a sort of similar situation again. I suspect this is a case of what doesn't kill you makes you better, faster, stronger… but I am getting very tired of pushing this old boulder up this steep learning curve day after day. I suspect God is making this all work out though because I sure don't see how it keeps working out. I haven't need for any thing, wanted for yes, but not needed. I don't go hungry, the bills keep getting paid. I keep shaking in my boots though.