Getting a Grip

prayers answered?

2011-03-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very posty lately. I tend to shut down when I shut down. By shut down I mean be depressed and I stop communicating with others and by extension blogging.

My depression has been an extension of a long "bitter" fight with my sweety about our sex life. Towards the end I was going crazy. I had answered a craigslisting sexvert. I didnt follow through thankfully. I sought out the help of several professional Dr. types. I was looking for some relief for the burrning desire for sexual... something release, healing, communication, some, all who knows. I was desperate. I tried to get a shot of Depo Provera. Chemical castration said to dramatically suppress the male sex drive. They use depo in penitentiaries on recidivist sex offenders. Apperently living in a small town with few options that is impossible. Then it happened. I cant say what the "It" is but it happened. I am no longer even remotely interested in sex with my sweety or any woman for that mater. Now I find the idea of sex to be a some what revolting idea. Its been near two months since last I even saw sweety naked and I couldn't be better with it. I love her and love being with her but the idea of sex is just frightening and very off putting. When I think of sex I feel ugly and small. I don't know even what to make of this development. We shall see. On one level it is the answer to a prayer and on the other I feel that I have lost a large portion of who I am. I feel like some one has surgically reached into my brain and excised that portion of my brain. I don't feel like a "Man" any more. But that feeling is welcome compared to the fire in my brain from before.

have you ever...

2011-02-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt so small , so insignificant so ugly that you very much wanted to die except for that darn pesky self preservation reflex... That you wonder if God him self is beginning to rethink that whole infallibility thing.

snapped

2011-01-30T18:02:00.001-08:00

Today I snapped. I issue this phrase a lot… Don't burn down the present in your pursuit to build the future… but today it is done… not to say that it can't be undone but it is done for the person.

What is the rule/ social regulation regarding monogamy?

I love My Sweety and I am committed to my Sweety… I really am. I have so very much overhauled myself to fit hers… and… well the square peg is working its way back loose from the round hole because there is no accommodation at all in the round hole of her life for this square peg. There is simply put no room in her life for me.

What is the rule about a couple that is committed to each other but due to some outside reason they don't have sex? The person for whom sex is impossible, is it their responsibility to see that their partner is afforded something of their needs sexually if not from within the couple then from without?

What is the morality line here? If the person has some paraplegia that prevents them from engaging in sex with their partner; is it reasonable that the person without the condition to have to go without? Is it just horrible for the person without the condition to seek the sexual comforts of another if their primary love is incapacitated? What about the situation where one chooses to be unavailable, such as the case of being in a relationship with a workaholic. Is it reasonable for the workaholic to condemn their partner to a live deprived of sexual outlet?

I understand that "it is not possible to change others… only yourself" or words to that effect. Isn't it incumbent on you if you enter into a relationship with another to make changes in yourself for your partner? I don't mean to say a total over haul or anything unreasonable… I do suppose that does leave the door open to the idea of interpretation of what is reasonable or not.

My brain is so on fire just now I am so enraged and frustrated by this situation. I can scarcely speak/type.

I feel so emasculated, so much like a child, so much like a small annoying pet or piece of furniture.

I really wonder she keeps my balls. Someday soon I will find then and…

so yeah...

2011-01-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

Its been a very long time since I have had any thing that I thought was worth saying/reading.
The happy times are few and far between.
Some months ago I got my head slapped back to reality regarding my porn issues.
I have been better about that. That is primarily why I have been off line. Other reasons are that recently my personal live has ebbed very low in relational happiness. My work life has been no source of inspiration. Every project that I find my self involved in turns out to be an unmitigated disaster. I fear being fired so deeply having been unemployed for so long.

I know this sounds like an "Oh woe is me" bit of detritus and it really is I suppose. I dont have any where else to say these things so 'here' it is.

holly smokes

2010-11-03T17:31:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at my second job and the short of it is that Mr. loop Rope Showed up.

I could not look at him with out thinking about all the things I wrote about in my posts about Loop Rope...

I had a big smile on my face the whole time.

oh and as long as its my sex addled mind here... there is a commercial playing for a Plasma center here locally... Listen up all you meth heads and dope smokers 300 bucks in your pocket by the end of the week. The commercial is spoken by a guy the whole time but when they give out the phone number its a woman with a sexy voice and I swear she is blurring the line between six and sex purposefully

absolute

2010-10-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween FFF! Your challenge for this Friday, 10-29-10, is to use the artwork above to write a flash fiction of 150-275 words. Since everyone seems to be enjoying the required phrases, please use this phrase in your submission:

"...cold and dead..."

He sat and pondered the architectural marvel that lay before him. He contemplated the complexity of the endocrine system and the idea of self awareness. How does a living thing transcend living to living with understanding? He admired how artfully her body was crafted. Surely some of God’s finest work. He was High as hell. But that was his normal state of being. He and Freud could have competed for who could snort the most cocaine with out their heart blowing up for days on end. He could in all likelihood snort Freud under the glass top table.

After he finished jacking off he wiped his cock on the cloth covering her face. He fretting momentarily about how he would explain this to his father...yet again. This was the third time this year. He knew there would be some, long winded and rambling lecture about taking care of his property. Then there would be the usual threats of being cut out of the will. And the obligatory “How could you embarrass the family” speak. He shed a tear that his father would likely make him wait a month before he could replace her as some weak attempt at discipline. He didn't understand the big deal. Girls were cheap and easily obtained in Europe. The company just had to acquire one and condition her. What was the big deal? All you needed after that was some heroin to keep her happy, quiet and entertaining.

He would tell his body guard about her body in the morning. There was no need to bother him now. He paused a moment to admired her cold and dead form.

I initially thought that I would use the idea that this was some arab Sheik's son. The room looks sort of ten like and the shroud on her face reminded me of a picture I saw recently of a presumably arab woman who had thrown open her burqa to expose a remarkably beautiful woman while still wearing the full head and face gear.

Any one who has read much of my crap knows my feelings surrounding muslims and arabs So I thought I would spare you the whipping of all that.

Also I didn't think I wanted to do this in as much as my last story was all about death and dieing. I wanted to get away from that lest you all think that i am some morbid closet serial killer/cannibal who kills and eats hookers. sort of gives a new meaning to the phrase going to "eat you out" never mind that. So but instead of arabs I went with the ballisticly rich New Yorker type, With Penthouse suites in all the best buildings all over the city. Who are either above the law or can afford to buy it off. The title is supposed to carry the tonality of "Absolute power corrupts absolutely"

I was thinking about her side of the story but she was kidnapped in Europe soaked in heroine and "trained" top be a sex toy for a living... not much there... just horribleness. And besides last week the women didn't give a rats ass about the guy this weeks the guy was a soulless bastard. It all evens out.

spam

2010-10-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

Holly Smokes I got my first Spam comment! From a brothel in England it looks like. What does this mean? Have I made the big time or is this just the Big flashing L on my forehead?

weekend part deaux

2010-10-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Holly smokes I thought the weekend was brutal... this morning starting at 6:00 it only got worse.

You may notice that this time I am typing before the booze is delivered to my system..., almost I can feel it creeping outward from my chest... time to go now before bad things happen.

the weekend

2010-10-24T21:42:00.000-07:00

I had a crap weekend and I have recently had a bit to dringk. I happend to sit down infront of the TV to calm my nervs and CSi was on. I havent watched the CSi in years and what do you thingk I saw.. a freeking rerun. what are the odd os theat... hick urp.. ahhhhhhh.

breasts... more

2010-10-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

I know I post loads about breasts but... well... I am fascinated by them.
So I wonder what it must be like to be in possession of a nice pare of breasts. As the cliche goes many women sporting a nice pair are seemingly irritated by them. These women seemingly always have to tell guys they're talking to to not stare at their breasts. What must that be like to go to a party where in your breasts are more popular than you are. Guys will treat you nice, buy you drinks and things to get a look/feel at/of your breasts.
Breasts are right out there, sort of un-hideable. They are the most public of private parts. Some Men will judge the desirableness of a woman based on size and shape of her breasts. In general that is a bad thing objectification and all. But when you don't know that she is smart and funny what else do you know about her other than what she looks like and well guys size up a woman by her secondary sex traits... breasts, hips, butt tertiary traits, hair, teeth leg length... the list goes on and becomes increasingly finely pointed.
In general average guys don't have this sort of thing working for/against for them. Guys who's lifestyle involves spending enough time in the gym to build their bodies to sport the big Guns are unusual well depending on where you live I suppose. Its tough to tell what's in their wallet just by looking. In general cocks are not so huge as to be remarkably visible unless they are built like a Palomino; again unusual. Perhaps evolution will eventually help that along. As a matter of fact it really already has. the ratio of body size to penis size homosapiens have the largest penis of all mammals, but I digress.

Is it sort of cool to have great breasts because you are great by association? and if this is true the converse must also be true... how sad.
another thing about breasts that sort of follows that line of thinking... they are sort of parasitic hangers on. In general they are used very infrequently for their intended purpose. In America typically 2.3 times at about 6 to 9 months at a time. But what I am getting at here is that you have relatively little control over them or their appearance, and yet they can affect your appearance dramatically. You cant work them out to be bigger You cant hold them up out of your armpit when you lay down on your back. You cant do much to change them except for the surgical option.There are the pills, creams and vacuum bell-jars that promise to make them larger and/or firmer but the jury is way out on those options. the other option is to put them in a properly fitting brassiere, which by all accounts can be tough to find and frequently not very comfortable, especially for women blessed/cursed with larger than average breasts. The heart ache from ridicule when your breasts are substandardly sized can really wreck a woman's self confidence, confidence in general and her feeling of self worth and sexuality. For something that has so much control over a woman its a shame she has so little real control over them.

Red Alert

2010-10-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

I dont know who reads this that is old enough to recall the Jetson's cartoon with any clarity. Maybe its not age that gives clarity... never mind that tangent.
This weekend I set about to do a couple things with my computers. HOLLY F-ing CRAP I am still not done. It really feels like some how the computers have had a conference and decided that they needed to show me who was boss around here. And they have done a fine job of that. I wound up formatting my two laptops then trying to reinstall Winblows I cant even recall how many times before I finally got them all installed and they are not really all installed there are three files missing from one of the installs. I have to find that install and...

Man what a boring bit of drivel this is so but I had a right miserable weekend beating my head bloody against the tech wall.

but you have no idea what I have been through to get to post this crappy little bit of nonsense.

Oh yes the Red Alert thing references an episode of the Jetson's t where George badmouths a robot. The robot is pretty put out by it and his friends gang up against George in retaliation until George apologizes to the offended robot.

Snapped

2010-10-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

(Photo provided by Soren Ambrose, title and source unknown. Photographer: Petrova Julian).

Your challenge for this Friday, 10-22-10, is to use the photo above to write a flash fiction of 100-300 words. Since everyone seems to be enjoying the required phrases, please use this phrase in your submission:

"...a sneer curled her lip..."

(A) He turned a walked away unaware of the situation developing behind him. He had been talking heatedly for several minutes. To tell the truth she had no idea what he had been saying really, she was there for an altogether different purpose now. He continued yammering, work load, constituents, Joint Chiefs yada yada yada. Her ears pricked when she herd the words blow-job, pussy, cock then it all faded back to blah blah blah. She had just about had enough when he turned to her and looked her in the eye and said “So what to you think?” She was sort of caught off guard because she had not been listening. She had been wondering if the 8 inch sound suppressor would keep the woman in the next suite from hearing. She was calculating the appropriate shot trajectory and spatter pattern on the wall needed to create the desired crime scene effect. He was staring at her waiting for a response. A sneer curled her lip. She let her silk robe slide slowly down her body exposing her magnificent heavy breasts. Her nipples we so hard they nearly cut slits in the silk as it fell. Her occupation excited her so. His jaw fell open at the sight of her naked form or was it the FNP-45 she was leveling at his forehead.

Baclank his Harvard education now decorated the wall behind him. She gathered her things wiped down her wineglass and slipped quietly out the door.

(B) A woman impatiently waits in her hotel suite pacing back and forth in front of the window 40 stories up. For a moment she allows her self to admire the view… then her focus returns. She has endured several hours of listening to the screams and moans of his and her pleasures from the next suite. She briefly tortured her self wondering what this other woman knew that she did not. She wondered what this other woman looked like undressed. Why was she worth $5000 for the night to him? The two women never met, never even spoken on the phone. She didn’t even know if this woman’s voice was sexy, sexier than her own. The only communication they had was by currier.

She had been patient before and before… years of waiting for him to get home knowing that, like tonight, he was with another woman. Tonight however was different. Tonight she wasn’t waiting for him to come home.

The sex sounds had stopped and now there was talking, loud talking, his voice only though. She leaned forward to the edge of her seat straining to hear…to here it. The talk seemed heated but it could very easily have been excited. Suddenly she was aware that the room was silent. How long had it been quiet? Had she missed it? The silence was punctuated by a heavy thud. She had not missed it.

A sneer curled her lip then slowly spread into a broad satisfied smile. Slowly she stood she sipped the last of her Champagne. She carefully wiped the glass and the bottle of all traces of her presence. She turned, retrieved her gloves from her purse and slipped them on. Finally she pulled the hood of her heavy fur coat over her head and silently left the room.

I don't really know where the notion of murder for hire came from but I will say this, my Sweety's DVR is set to record some stuff on the Oxygen channel. How ever when some is home and sits to watch some thing what is on live at the time is a show called Snapped. Have you seen this show? It's about women mostly that kill. They kill their lovers husbands boy friends bosses. The show revolves around the arrest and the trials of these women. Sweety has always be in interested in the law but this worries me. I fear that she may be taking notes on where these other women went wrong.

Initialy I wanted her to be toting a 44 Automag but that is a Big loud gun. With a sound suppressor on it this gun would have been nearly a foot and a half long... too long for a naked woman in a silk robe to conceal. the FNP-45 is a shorter tactical handgun and comes from the factory with a threaded barrel for sound suppressors. So that made more sense.

This woman looked to be leaning there both board and busy contemplating something very serious or sporting the biggest booboo pouty lip I have ever seen... No more blowjobs till I get a bigger diamond than your wife! She also looked like she had a slender chest with large breasts and could easily hold a gun under those breasts and not be noticed until it was too late.

I worked really hard on a way for him to be standing some how away from her looking at her and cumming or just about to when she shot him. I wanted to include this... his body hit the floor full length with a very dull thud. His cock was still throbbing. Then suddenly a long milky arc spewed from the head of his cock... his last orgasm reached posthumously. Impressive she noted, silently to her self, for a guy who is both dead and had already cum twice time in the last two hours... good distance that one Tex.

sexting

2010-10-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

I would have been a horrible sexter. I would have been crazy for this. I would have been sexting all the time, except that I hate those tiny little key boards and even worse using the numeric key pads to write things. But I would have been crazy even so. I would have had the most in shape thumbs ever. I guess I was fortunate in that regard that I missed the smart enough phone to sext on that is not to say that I didn't do my share of the sexy emails. I Never had a cell phone camera sufficient to send sexy pictures though and taking a truly sexy pictures with a cell phone camera is tough in the best of conditions. It is no wonder that more and more people are getting addicted to sex and porn. Technology makes it oh so very easy and private... right there in your right hand after you have wiped all the goop off.

I wonder though does it make sex better or does it make sex a let down. On the one hand it would allow for foreplay to last all day long so that when you finally get together you just rip each others clothing off. I like that idea plenty. On the other hand it makes it so ubiquitous that it would get boring after a couple weeks unless you got more and more kinky which ultimately leads to... well it takes you away from the true nature of sex which is supposed to be love. If your focus becomes sex and more kinky sex love can get lost.

oh yea what brought all this up... Apple got a patent on a sex filter. I personaly dont think it has a chance. Kids will adopt a new slang to circumvent the filter faster than the filterers can keep up. Sort of like the ebonics and Rap languages were adopted to be able to speak freely in prison and not have the guards understand that you were planning a shanking in the showers after dinner.

I have noticed

2010-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have noticed lately that my bloggy stuff has changed as of late. Where as in months gone by most of my blogs were of a internal personal nature and typically about unhappy sex related stuff. They have now, with the exception of the FFF thing, become more external and less personal.
I wonder if that means that I have turned a corner regarding my issues with sex and addictions and other would be inappropriate things on the internet. I hope so. I feel that this could very well be he case. I know that I don't experience intrusive thoughts about sex during the day. My thoughts are more or less work and living related not sex related. I used to experience very intrusive thoughts about sex and porn all through the day, now not so much.
I have the occasional flare up to be sure, but they don't last very long and are much lower intensities than before.
At once I am happy for that and miss the thoughts as well. I suppose that is sort of akin to how a kidnapping victim might feel after their release.

sex sells

2010-10-16T02:08:00.000-07:00

I read recently that there was a study preformed on shoppers. It seems that shoppers get the same sort of "high" as they might in sex when they get a great deal.

I don't know about that really but it makes me wonder if years of social conditioning hasn't contributed to this phenomenon somehow. Decades of selling with sex or so closely associating purchases with sex might have really collectively goofed out heads with regards to shopping.

I wonder…

2010-10-14T10:41:00.001-07:00

I wonder that deer and other wild life animals must feel about Field and Stream magazine the way I feel about this magazine. Apparently there are articles in this magazine that tell how to spesifically kill Americans and how to cause the most terror. Oh goodie

words

2010-10-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

I think I might have a new word... Mouseturbation. I looked it up at Urban Dictionary and it was there but a different use something about clicking on the mouse so fast and furiously that the sound it might be confused for masturbation.

I thought the more proper use was while trolling porn sites using a mouse to navigate from site to site, picture to picture and video to video...

banned for life

2010-10-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

A British teenager was banned from visiting America for life for sending Obama an obscene email.

This really makes me wonder what would happen to me if they found out how I feel about the man.

I guess by this you can all deduce what I feel about Obama.
But I would have to add that it's not just Obama its nearly all of the Washington elite. Congress 'persons' (cant call them congressmen any more that's not politically correct) Senators the lot are as crooked as we they define crooked anything else is a laser straight line when compared.

I was noticing something interesting about this headline though as I was dredging up on the google.
Several of the first noted news carrying organization webpages/sites were from India, Thailand. Arguably heavily Muslim populations.

just an observation

OH F#@%

2010-10-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

I just found this thing in the blog dashboard STATS. It shows statistics about those who visit this blog. It seems that some people in Arabic nations have been reading. Having said that if expect a Fatwa to be called down on my head any day now given my feelings regarding the Muslim religion. You can read general about my feelings here.

The United Arab Emirates
Saudi Arabia
Bangladesh
The Netherlands

Publish Post

I wonder how people in those regions of the world came to read my rantings. I still don't know an awful lot about this blogging thing as it relates to the real world, perhaps I aught be more careful.
I would love to hear from the muslim people. Perhaps they might show me some other side of the muslim religion. I would very much like the opportunity to "dialogue" with a muslim individual about today's world environment and how muslims are perceived and how they are "assimilating" into other nations and adopting the other cultures of the nations they inhabit.

Holly smokes I just found a page under the STATS page that lists the searches that got people to this blog... one of the search phrases is "Japanese girls vomiting" I kid you not!
I wonder if that was the guys in Saudi Arabia or The United Arab Emirates.
Speak up guys. Not that I have a thing for Vomiting Japanese Girls but you sound like you could be some "interesting" guys to party with.

Lady gaga

2010-10-10T11:24:00.001-07:00

I am not so much a fan of the Lady Gaga phenomenon but she is certainly a good business person. That said when I hear her song "Bad Romance" I can't help but hear different lyrics to the chorus… to wit

Rah Rah sys boom bah…

I looked up the lyrics to this song and I am certain that my hero Weird Al could work up a song around that chorus line; something about high school romance. I might even take a run at that. There is almost nothing more tragic than some high school romances. The drama that is involved and or perceived to be involved. I think the phrase and the acronym OMG and the TMI and so many others were certain to have evolved out of these tragedies.

splosh

2010-10-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

(Source image: "Chaotic Art 2" by Kaji)

Today's challenge for this Friday, 10-8-10, is to use the photo above to write a flash fiction of 60-90 words. And....let's try this for a required phrase:
"...taking hold..."

She looked around her pallet deciding which brush to use. Taking hold of the broadest thickest brush available, she began stroking vigorously. She wanted to quickly cover the canvas with a thick coat to set a passionate tone of her work. The more she worked the brush, she and the canvas became one. She could feel her creative juices flowing and she could feel that soon the creativity would explode from the brush. And there it was, big gushing globs sploshing the canvas running down over her hand and neck.

If you think you would like to participate click this button to find out how.

S.N.L.

2010-10-01T05:14:00.000-07:00

(Source image by Igor Shitikov)

5 4 3 _ _ Action... que Voice over...

"Live those Crimson days in a Golden Haze"

CUT! CUT! CUT! What Madison Avenue Fuckwit wrote this crap?!
Who the hell thinks women are this stupid regarding their periods. Golden haze... What the fuck?

Xanax signed a deal with the Kotex people and they’re putting a trans-dermal low dose formula on the Tampons and pads.

They are WHAT?!
It's and anti cramp muscle relaxer combined with a mood enhancer.

No Shit?! Do we have any of those pads on set?

Sure. why?

Get me a couple.

Get the Director a couple of the Xan-pads quick. We are loosing the light.
Can we get back to the shoot, we’ve spent 26 million on this add campaign. Uma Thurman is over there on the railroad tracks with no panties, on do you know how much that costs? And we’ve only got about 10 minutes light left today.

Yea Yea Yea we‘ll get the shot. First I need those pads... (Slaps one on his forehead and one on his neck)

What are you doing

I’m sure as shootin' going to need a muscle relaxer and a mood enhancer to get me through this shoot!

____________________________________________________________________

...and now the rest of the story... ala Paul Harvey

So this is my thinking... the picture looked so/too idealic, so much like a commercial. I figured I would to go with that. Golden haze... not such a great breakfast cereal tag-line but it looked like early morning. I thought about the obvious, "collapsed in a golden haze of post orgasmic bliss", too obvious and too far removed from the picture. I couldn't think of any thing then I saw a commercial on TV about tampons and right after that was a Midol commercial and it was just too crazy. As it turns out the TV got on the Oxygen channel some how. The cats walk on the remotes frequently. So any way the idea of a trans-dermal anti cramp med delivered with the pads was just about as out-there as I could think of next to this device.

Oh and in the nick of case you haven't noticed by now I try to go for the less obvious story to surround the picture with.

I welcome your cards and letters.

...einsteinien

2010-09-24T06:08:00.000-07:00

(Source image: "Monika" from MPL Studios)

She felt utterly naked and altogether alone in the world. She wondered to herself if the weight of her decision had some how created a metaphysical singularity by bending time and space and collapsing every thing in on it’s self. She felt that the room was collapsing in on her giving her an extreme feeling of claustrophobia but at the same time the room was getting bigger. The walls seemed to be rushing away from her, but was she getting smaller and rushing away from the walls. She new that in heavy gravity situations time was slowed, and time had, for her, all but stopped, but time was simultaneously racing. Every thought that she had ever had and every thought she would ever have were all filling her mind compressing down becoming one and that thought was “Stay”. Defiantly, she awaited his command. She knew that her head of Secret Service would be busting in the doors to the Oval office at any moment and ordering her to evacuate to the underground command center half a mile beneath her feet.

So... Lexi Writes about how she came to the ideas of the writing or about the writing its self. I like that idea and I thought I would try that this week as well. I have however insufficient time just now... again more later.
it's later now... the idea that I worked over was the idea of being in an interview, either her or the person looking at her. The idea was that in an interview situation you imagine the interviewer as naked to some how relieve the stress of the situation I was going to mention that imagining her naked only added to the stress. Next was the notion of her in the oval office but in more of a time thing where Time could be focused through a lens and the focal point was her and this Decision that she has made and that with all of time being focused right down on her... like burning ants with a magnifying glass time had blasted her reality away the office her clothing metaphysically speaking. then there was thought that some how I could work the Cern collider in and her head felt like the target.
maybe this wasn't such a profound idea... Lexi's make this sound so much cooler... perhaps next time

wet to the knees

2010-09-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

(Source image: "The Kiss" by Vitaly S Alexius;( rotated -90 degrees))

I am sorry Major. I have told you every thing there is to tell.

Just one more time please, in case something else comes to mind.

I was skinny-dipping in Jameson’s pond. The next thing I know I am on a table sort of… suspended in mid air. A water balloon thing is above me then it bursts. I am splashed with pure heat. All this fluid slashes over me but it all soaks in to me. It feels like it fills every cell of my body. The only way I can explain the feeling is that it was like being pregnant… pregnant with pleasure. That is the only way I can describe it. I recall having two earth shattering orgasms, and now I am here, where ever this is, and you tell me that you found me nursing two babies. I am/was Not Pregnant. These are NOT my kids. Oh wait a minute…

9-11

2010-09-11T20:40:00.001-07:00

what follows is mostly just a tirade written in a fit of rage and should be skipped... but I mean every word of it.

… these are my thoughts regarding the 9-11 legacy that we have inherited...

Why is it that suddenly the entire world is bowing and scraping to keep the muslim (purposely NOT capitalized here or ever) population happy? No one cares what a Buddhist considers sacrilege or offensive or a Jew, a Hindu, a Christian or a Catholic. In 1987 Andres Seranno showed a piece of "art" which won an award in the Southeastern Center for contemporary Art's. A center sponsored by the National Endowment for the Arts. The piece was called the "Piss Christ" Can you guess why? His work was a Crucifix suspended in an aquarium and filled with the "artist's" own urine. Can you imagine the Total World Wide Storm of Absolute islamic insanity that would befall us all, and by all I mean the entire planet, if someone entered a piece of "art" in a nationally sponsored gallery /competition and won an award with a piece of 'art' titled the "Piss Koran"? A stack or Korans or a bowl Koran ashes in an aquarium filled with Pigs Urine. Ho…lleeee…smokes that would be World War Three. Surely you all recall the Storm of islamic violence that gripped the world when a Danish newspaper had the nerve, the unmitigated GALL, to exercise their right to a free press and freedom of expression and printed a satiric political cartoon depicting mohamad with a bomb in his turban. Can you imagine the total melt down the world would experience if "Piss Koran" were to be shown or even discussed publicly? This makes me wonder just how far this little blog effort of mine goes. I guess I will find out if my house burns down with me in it some time soon.

Now some goofy priest/pastor, in some small town 20 miles east of nowhere Florida, is staging a protest Koran Burning to commemorate the events of 9-11. It seems that the whole world is telling this Pastor to cool it or you will upset the muslims. Even the General in command of the American fighting forces in Afghanistan is asking him to not have this protest because it will likely put his soldiers at higher risk. I don't recall any thing like this from World War Two… oh oh don't make fun of the Germans they might invade yet another country… oh oh don't anger the Japanese they might bomb something… again. I don't recall this happening during the Vietnam War.

Quite frankly I believe if the entire muslim population staged a bible burning, American flag burning, George Bush effigy burning (because we all KNOW they aren't going to burn an Obama effigy) no Christian, Catholic, Buddhist, Hindu, Jew or Civilized person would have a psychedelic freak out. I don't recall there being any huge world wide out cry condemning the muslim population when muslims killed, then dragged the bloody, charred, beheaded corpses behind horses through the streets of falluja. Then hung the corpses from a bridge and the entire muslim population spilled out into the streets and celebrated, just as they did on September 11th. Can you imagine what would happen if this had occurred in America. I can't even begin to imagine the WORLD Wide outrage that would directed at the US. Every American citizen would be unwelcome anywhere, including I imagine Antarctica. Embassies would be closed. Multinationa corporations would sell off stock and, and, and. But the muslims, iraq, iran syeria, saudi arabia, egypt… nothing, not a word, just reporters delivering the news and the Civilized world watched on and the muslims partied on. A group of muslims could stage a bible burning, heck they could burn down a printing plant where they produced bibles and they could fill that plant with people, children, school girls reading those bibles while the building burned to the ground and nothing of any import would happen any where in the civilized world absolutely NOTHING would change. The Civilized world would just wring our hands and wonder what have we done now to upset them so? Because we all know this is entirely our fault some how. We must open our arms to the muslim and embrace there differences and make them feel welcome in the world just like we did with the… oh wait there has never been this much political correctness and tolerance bestowed on any group at any time in the whole world, ever, in the history of ever.

If a political cartoon is all it takes to so sufficiently inflame the muslim population as to incur their wrath and have them throwing riots and burn buildings and people and generally creating and threatening chaos across the globe then this population needs to be dealt with differently. Simply trying to not anger them is NOT working, simply breathing enrages them. muslims will get more and more sensitive and they will demand more and more consideration for their beliefs which their imams will twist tighter and tighter until we must all be muslims or be killed. This is not some parinoid dilusion of mine and mine alone, this is happening in Countries across Europe; Denmark, Switzerland, France, and Britain. And even if we all did manage to observe muslim culture; eat their food, pray at the appropriate times, on officially approved rugs, using the correct words, facing in the correct direction, dress in the appropriately all covering costumes,wearing correct turbans we will never be able to keep up with the increasingly militant adherence to their culture and only the most extreme muslims will be considered good muslims. ayatollah nasser makkarem shirazi issued a fatwa that was later passed into law banning any advertisements about pets or alluding to the buying, selling or keeping of pets. He was angered by muslims blindly imitating the west by keeping pet dogs. mohamar khadafy called for a jihad against Switzerland because they voted for ban on buildings with minarets. Switzerland has its own distinct culture as does Britain and France and Denmark and they have every right to conserve and protect that culture through what ever means necessary with in their borders. I understand that China is actually considering rewriting its 5000 year old calendar to exclude the years of the Pig. Pretty soon the word Pig will be replaced with the phrase "The P word" much like "The N word" replaced Nigger. In London Piggy Banks, and pig decorations on office workers desks and calendars have been banned for fear of offending muslims. Dearborn Michagan put halal food in its school cafeterias at the insistence of the local muslim population. A kid was arrested and charged with a HATE CRIME because he put a piece of ham on a table where some muslim students were sitting. In Illinois there is a school district considering calling off Christmas holiday celebrations for fear of offending the muslim locals. You think I am being funny? Where does this end? Placating the muslim population capitulating to their demands will gain nothing and is certain to only make things worse. Jews, who have similar feelings about pig and pork products have NEVER EVER being afforded this sort of deferential treatment… ever!!!

There is a war against Christianity in America but there is a guilt induced party being thrown for muslims. 9-11 was our fault so lets at the very first opportunity elect a muslim president. And he has installed two devout Muslims at the head of Homeland security. We can't say "Merry Christmas" any more but let's build a SUPER mosque at Ground zero. Every one knows that the entire world's woes are the fault of every white American person living today. Every white American person should be held accountable for ever evil thing that has ever happened and reparations must be paid.

It's my opinion in this moment of heat and anger that we should have this koran burring and any muslim that lifts his head up off of his prayer rug in protest should be shot and America should have them selves a great big party something akin to the 4^th of July with fireworks and Bands and effigy burning and mosque defacing, flag burning, turban burning, lots of political cartoons with mohammad buried up to his nose in pig shit and PIGS, lots of pigs, pigs on parade down every street in America led by naked strippers eating BLT Sandwiches… but we wont because we are the civilized ones here. but I can dream cant I? Oh no the political correctness police will come and take me away to some far away rendition farm in iraq ala 1984 and then maybe I will be at peace.

no I really just want off this dirt ball planet.

spoiler alert

2010-09-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

If you like these songs don't read further... Save a horse Ride a CowBoy by Big and Rich, Who's Your Daddy by Toby Keith

So I loves me the country music. Mostly good stories but these two bother me.
So first
Save a Horse... the song is about some cowboy who comes to town to get laid. But his Cowboy reputation gets in the way.

"My Cowboy reputation had me begging for Salvation all night long"... squigly little fiddle bit.
He has to work over time to get this girl into bed.

"I took her out giggin' frogs introduced her to my old bird dog and sung her ever Willey Nelson song I could think of ... and we made love...".

But then as more or less predicted by his cowboy reputation he leaves her and heads back to town to find another girl to woo and dump...

"... and I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city...."

Next "Who's your daddy?" The song is all about some sort "Pimp" kind of a guy and some girl who is down on her luck possibly some sort of coke whore broke and alone because all the college guys have all gone home for the summer and now she is knocking on this guys door for something. It turns out that this something is money for which he is willing to exchange for her honey. I think we all know what is going on here.

Here you come knockin’ on my door baby
Tell me what you got on your mind
I guess those college boys all went home for the summertime
And you’re lookin’ right, lookin’ good, lookin’ like a woman should
So why is it so hard to find
A place to lay your pretty little head down once in a while
You run on a little tough luck baby
Don’t you sweat it
Everything is waiting inside for you
You know I got it
Come and get it

Who’s your daddy, who’s your baby?
Who’s your buddy, who’s your friend?

And who’s the one guy that you come runnin’ to
When your love-life starts tumblin’?
I got the money if you got the honey
Let’s cut a deal let’s make a plan

lets not even talk about "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin

…why

2010-09-09T21:15:00.001-07:00

Why is it that there are a seemingly limitless number of Power/Energy drinks? 5 Hour Energy, Red Bull, Monster, Rock Star, AMP… the list goes on and on.

I am now sort of getting hooked on the 5 Hour. I swear you can set your watch by this stuff. I drink a half bottle when I get up at 4 AM and at 9:00 the yawns attack.

So any way why are there so many of these products and none of the Power Nap/Sleep aids? All I can find is the Sleepy Time and the Cozy Chamomile teas. Of course there is the Melatonin too and I have tried this but I don't think it did what I had hoped for. And there is the night time pain relievers and Nitol but these are really just antihistamines with no buffering. What I am looking for is that 2:30 pm feeling that in just one more minute I will die… Yawning till I unhinge my jaw, lie down on this nice comfy concrete floor… streaming tears… brown out brain fade feeling that will usher me off to the land of Nod like being hit by a padded bus. I want to be able to buy some thing called Coma or Blackout or Two Minute Warning (two minutes get your poop in a group) something with a punch not Sleepy Time Tea. I want something with the hitting and staying power of a narcotic. Something that hits like Demerol or Thorazine but doesn't leave you in a coma for a day after. Where is that stuff? Ambien is Great stuff. But you can stay awake with Ambien. I say stay awake. Your body can stay awake and some small portion, the insane portion, of your brain will stay up with it but the rest of your brain, the decision making; good judgment part of your brain, is off to sleepy time city so your body will do or say just about any thing. I loves me the Ambien. Some great things happen when your take Ambien… after you are reminded that they happened of course.

I hope in the not to distant future that Ambien gets moved from the prescription classification to the OTC classification like so many other used to be prescription medications.

dark maters...

2010-09-09T18:42:00.001-07:00

(Source image: "Into Tub" by Kathy Slamen)

She pulled the Moet and Chandon from the pretty cabinet. She poured a tall flute full and stepped into the tub. Exhausted and elated she relaxed down into the hot water. The candle’s glow was like the company of good friends. But she knew that there is only one way for more than one person to keep a secret and that's if all but one of those people were to die… she blew out the candles one by one.

(this is the 80 word version)

She pulled the Moet and Chandon from the pretty cabinet. She poured a tall flute full and stepped into the tub. She giggled as she contemplated a MySpace Status change. What would that say? Exhausted and elated she squatted down into the hot water. The hot water nipped at her sexy bits for a bit until she relaxed into it.

She thought back on the events of the night and how wonderfully it had gone. She had always had a thing for Bad Boys but this Bad Boy made her wet, wet to the knees. She had prepared the evening perfectly all the right stuff Rope, Ball Gag, restraints, special sheets, cling film, duct tape. She had wondered if he could be counted on to do his part and oooOOOhhh yesss his Bad Boy nature had not failed her.

She found her self becoming so excited by recalling the events of the evening that she could not help but attend to the feelings which were calling to her from between her thighs and from behind her now achingly hard nipples. She was almost ashamed by these feelings... almost.

She was proud of her accomplishments tonight. More importantly her mentor would be proud. Tomorrow Mr. Morgan would call on her and they would critique her work.

Secretly she wished the Bad Boy could have appreciated her efforts on his behalf... perhaps he had.

Tonight the candle’s glow was like the company of good friends welcoming her home. But she knew that there is only one way for more than one person to keep a secret and that's if all but one of those people were to die… she blew out the candles one by one and now her secret was safe.

(this was how it was intended but more than 80 words)

it’s been proposed…

2010-09-09T18:07:00.001-07:00

It has been proposed to me that I developed my sexually depraved nature as a result of or shortly after my divorce. I don't discount this notion but I do believe that I was predisposed to this sort of nature from the beginning.

I attended a prestigious College-prep Boarding School. (not that this did me a great deal of good really) As part of an entrance exam I had to write an essay. I wrote an essay about the series of books written by Xaviera Hollander, her Happy Hooker books. The essay must have been ok in as much as they accepted me.

There are lots of other points that I will drop in now and then under the heading "it's been proposed".

… some random stuff…

2010-09-09T18:01:00.001-07:00

Remember this is National Prostate awareness month… it's Rec-tember.

I was at the book store the other day… I was trolling the magazine racks looking for some computer magazines… I saw a title that mystified me. The title "Glutes". I looked inside. This is a magazine directed exclusively towards the development of a larger ass. This brings a whole new level of uncertainty to the question… "Does this make my ass look big?" How do you answer this now? It used to be simple... "Oh No dear not at all"… now it's a 50/50 crap shoot and you know you are screwed, or not as the case may be, if you goof the answer. Please don't get me wrong here... I likes me the Large Ass!

It seems the Loop rope people are reading my blog . They have introduced the wife in to the commercial. And they are tying things up around the house. They are also sponsoring a contest. Send in a picture of your worst use of a Bungee cord and win. The local announcer guy was, I believe, intentionally reading the scrip in such a way to make it sound "dirty" ... and said nearly as much after he was done… commenting on how "dirty" the scrip sounded and how much "trouble" he was going to get in if he didn't stop.

There is a novelty story here in the area that advertises heavily on the radio and they are NOT even a little bit shy about the sexitude of their commercials. I applaud this advertising effort! The commercial goes something like this. Father asks the mother where the back to school list is, he is going to take the kids and handle up on that now. She says it's on a stack on the desk. He picks up a paper and reads from the list.… School Girl Costume, White Panties, hand cuffs, lube… The father clearly knows this isn't "The" list and asks again. Mother tells a story about how much fun back to school shopping was for her when she was a young girl and it brought out her "naughty inner School Girl" and that it was intended to be a surprise for later. Father indicates that he likes where her head is at.

One of my favorite jokes

2010-09-09T17:32:00.001-07:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked,

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''

''Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten

up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955," he replied.

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

where I live...

2010-09-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

... its that time of year again. The Geese are flying south again, honking as they go. I don't know why but I love that sound. I live in the bottom of a valley floor but can hear them and see them flying to where ever it is that they are off to. From a friends home up the valley wall a bit you can see across the whole valley. From there you can see many flights/chevrons of geese flying. To me its a magic feeling to see them all strung out in lines.

I know that there is plenty of high end aerodynamics going on with them... who is in front and for how long and the ones that follow follow at a precise angle and distance so as to maximize some lift potential created by the disturbance caused by the bird ahead. It seems also that since the lead bird is experiencing the maximum drag he/she stays there for some period of time, determined by them I suppose, then falls off to the back of the line to rest and to work their way back up to the lead again, amazing, magic.

danceing with the...

2010-09-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

As she twirls and whirls about the floor waiting for her partner to arrive my mind burns with a desire that is difficult to resolve. At once I want to see her perform her dance with all the passion, grace and fire that she embodies but that same passion, grace and fire ignites a lust and passion and desire in me that I find difficult to manage. Her body moves with a sexy precision that creates such a deep lustful desire to capture her and experience awesome pleasure that her body could undoubtedly deliver. I imagine seeing her move through her set naked… for an audience of one… is almost too much for this setting.

To entertain this thought more than this moment would also carry the implication that I was some how her equal or that she could some how entertain similar thoughts or desires for me, a most unlikely possibility.

To in anyway consider fulfilling this fantasy would burst the gossamer bubble that surrounds her and the moment would vanish like so much smoke in a wind. The fantasy and the lust of the imagination in this situation are but smoky vapors when exposed to the reality of life.

The studio door opens… pop goes the bubble.

commercials

2010-08-25T19:24:00.001-07:00

So I am hearing this new commercial on the radio for something called "Loop rope". It is billed as the next big thing to replace the ever so "dangerous" Bungee cord. Durring the cource of the commercial one guy talks to the other. The one guy with experience is telling the inexperienced guy all about the benefits of Loop Rope. He is describing all the places uses it, the truck , on the top of the car, on the RV, In the boat... You can tie things up and tie things down with it. If you have more than one Loop rope you can even make a cargo net... (I loves me the cargo net bondage... insert evil and knowing "Oh yea" here)
Now in my Sex addled mind I am thinking that the Loop Rope people could double their sales if they went a head and added just a couple things to their commercial. When he lists the places you can use loop rope... the Bedroom could/should be nonchalantly slipped in, and where he talks about what can be tied with the loop rope he should say that you can tie anything or anyone up or down. Very simple very subtle.
Now this Loop Rope sounds like the quick and easy way into a homey little bondage scene unlike the Japanese style bondage which is artistic and slow. Japanese kink is pretty and elegant and artistic as is most every thing in Japanese culture. The Japanese are a very kinky lot make no mistake. When there is woman (I assume/hope a woman) dressed in a Catholic school girl uniform all bound and gagged and kneeling in front of a fence post in a perfectly manicured forest of bonsai trees shooting a milk enema out her ass into a perfectly crafted catch basin hand painted with Japanese calligraphy. Probably hand painted by 100 year old blind monk with a brush made from the tufts of hair that cover the hooves of an actual unicorn and ink from made from crushed bits of the one true cross and iron shavings from the Lance of Longinus. Its easy to see the elegance and attention to detail the Japanese bring to their kink, unlike German kink which is just weird and often gross.

... So but like I said I would already have several lengths of the stuff if the experienced guy added to his litanly of things to do with this new handy dandy product tie down his wife/mistress/submissive/slave to the RV or the truck or the boat... but alas the marketing department has no balls.

is it any wonder (part 2)

2010-08-22T20:12:00.001-07:00

I used to think that science was one of the last or only incorruptible communities left on the planet, and that the pursuit of truth and discovery through the much hailed "scientific method". Turns out I was wrong, yet again. Seems the longer I live the more ignorant I get. Turns out that the scientific community is a cult, at least the elite top end is especially when it comes to molecular biology especially when it comes to the origins of life on this crappy whirling dirtball of a planet.
Most every one is acquainted with the principals put forth by Chuck Darwin, the Theory of evolution as it is more commonly known. I use the familiar Chuck for Charles to indicate that I have little or no respect for him or his work. It seems that every one has forgotten that Chuck himself later recanted his theories as flawed and erroneous. Chuck's ideas do at a certain level explain the changes of species over time. But some how today's scientists have dropped the theory part of the phrase and take it as Fact. How is it that other scientific communities move on from the past. Physicists moved past Newton to Einstein and beyond. Cant we move past Darwin? Even though not one scientist can categorically state with an absolute 100 % certainty that Evolution is a fact not a strained out dated theory or possesses the ability to reproduce the origin of life. Not a single scientist can "create" life at any level. I mean can not get the 256 proteins to line up in the proper order to be considered the MOST basic building block of life. And it makes me wonder even if you could get that to happen once in say every 100,000 years what is the likely hood that single strand could find another before it expired in what ever violent situation that might befall such a randomly joined bit of protein in the unbelievably violent environment of that time. Volcanic activity, intense meteor activity very unfriendly chemical oceans you name it, this was not a hospitable place especially if you think that this happened before the event that left us with a moon. That single event absolutely erased every thing on the pre-moon planet just like that. Look in to how the moon got where it is today. That is an amazing story!
It seems that if you speak just a whisper of descent of Gospel according to Darwin you can have your life erased, as a scientist any way. Professors who have mentioned Intelligent Design even in passing have been fired and black listed never to work as a teacher or scientist again.
Scientists allow NO room for a "creator" of any kind. Live as we know it "IS" all accidental undirected. You follow the accepted doctrin lock/goose step or else.
If you apply the same general guidelines that might apply to a cult to the elite of the scientific comuiity it begins to look rather cultish... to me. I read where one scientist proposed that with less religion in the way more science could fill the void on knowledge and as more science filled the void less and less religion would be needed until ultimately there would be no religion. We have seen this sort of pursuit before. The Nazi's pursued this level of commitment to science that ultimately lead to a policy of doing away with those not sufficiently worthy to eat, Eugenics... the Master Race. Heck even in America we pursued that. 50,000 people were sterilized against their will. Every time we see Governement remove religion from it society we see events like those that took place under Mao and Stalin and Pol Pot. Similarly when you have a government that is totally religious you have states like Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan Saudi Arabia, Somalia where the penalty for most any tiny infraction is death, and not your run of the mill lethal injection death... stoning and other med-evil very cruel and unusual methods.

this post is unfinished but posted anyway.
I had a bad day, an amazing confluence of events that really beat on my faith in just about every thing there is. Days like this make my brain boil with frustration with lack of any thing to be done to work against this.

is it any wonder (part one)...

2010-08-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

Is it any wonder that apathy is so rampant in today's society?
There is no good news any where for any one. There is nothing to believe in nothing to count on nothing positive that sustains.
I used to think believe in the one man/woman one vote system of governance in America. That is gone.
It seems that the people of California turned out in an official election sanctioned by the state to change the constitution of the state to ban Gay marriage ala Prop 8. The vote as I understand it passed in favor and by something like 600,000 votes, a substantial number in any state election. But along comes one judge who wipes that all away in a single stroke of his pen. It makes me very dubious about voting. Why should I bother to vote if the courts are as likely as not to dismiss my vote. Why bother to take the time to read about any of the propositions ponder their consequence for my self or others, why bother when some one else is going to come along and do that "for me". Clearly I am too stupid or too ignorant or both to make such decisions. Why should I bother to even think about such issues.
Having said all that please don't get me wrong I used to be against gay marriage but I have, in the last couple years come to understand that my position was based on the notion that marriage was a religious tenant and that the 'institution' of marriage was a biblically based spiritual thing, a God created and ordained thing, and I believed that the bible spoke against homosexuality male and/or female. So, well, a few years of thought and investigation, isn't the internet a wonderful thing, I have learned that while it might in theory be such a thing, it's roots are some what less lofty or noble.
So and as many comedians have put it why should I keep the homosexual community from 'enjoying' the same hate, animosity, financial ruination that the rest of the community enjoys especially if no matter how many people vote to ban gay marriage if a judge thinks us all bigoted and backwards for holding these beliefs and voting out conscience that he will set us all straight and show us the error of our ignorant ways.

shutup already

2010-08-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

Used to be when I would sit down to an evening of blog reading. I would read and comment on any or everything; politics, parenting, personal stories of triumph or tragedy, any thing that I had an opinion about it would spew out on to others commentary pages. Suddenly, how ever that has changed, mostly. I will start to write the commentary and after several editions and rewrites I click away from the page without leaving my comment.
In times gone by I have been sort of compulsive about answering questions even if I wasn't asked the question. And not just answering the question but going on to disgorge just about any and all information that might remotely pertain to the subject, or the history of, or future of, or anything directly or indirectly connected to the subject.
My daughter developed a "safe word" to let me know when I was going beyond the scope of the question and straying into pontificating.
I really became a bit ashamed of my compulsion... why cant I just shutup already.
So but anyway lately I have begun to be able to 'shutup already'

partisipation

2010-08-19T18:13:00.000-07:00

In attempt to inject some fun into the rather feted pool of unpleasantness that this blog has become have decided for better or worse to participate in a Friday Flash Fiction... um thing and maybe I will try out some other similar stuff as well. Who knows where this could lead, NST, possibly HNT.
Below the post is a button to find out what this is all about.
Sooo here we go.

The three of them stared at me when I burst through the doors. I was lost in the Palace and was desperate to find my way back to the Ball. Two of them glared at me, their eyes were somehow accusing, the third looked to be imploring me to come in and render aid of some sort. Suddenly I realized that she was looking at my codpiece with a hungry eye. The others continued to glare; willing me and my codpiece to burst into flames and drift away like a mote of dust drifting in a shaft of morning sun streaming in through a window. Dressed as they were I was struck by the half full or half empty glass puzzle… are these two women half dressed or half undressed, and are they helping this other woman into or out of her gown? Perhaps, had I lasted just a few more moments in the armory with the Princess, receiving my first Royal blowjob, this situation might have evolved sufficiently for me to make a more complete evaluation, but alas, my future Mother in-law must not be kept waiting, something about an after dinner snack.

...and as promised the information link.

the ex-2

2010-08-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

So it's been a very long time since I posted any thing. I wrote volumes but posted nothing.

(((I just posted this and saw my disclaimer there shouting at me about being tough... guess I should have read that as I was writing it.)))

The short of it is that me and my ex had a very hot sex life but I lost sight of that when I found internet porn.

While I was writing about her I did something I had not done before I wrote from the beginning. Previously all my thoughts, ruminations, introspections, considerations, pontifications, rants I worked from the present back. That thought vector front loaded the process with hate, anger, frustration, anxiety, loss... but starting from the beginning somehow did not. This thinking really took me by surprise, ambushed me, sucker punched me. As I began to think back on our lives one "Dear Penthouse Forum'... story after another came to mind. I started writing them initially with the intent to populate this blog with them for a couple months... but as time went on and I got closer to the "bad time" I found that I could no longer write them and was increasingly ashamed of how I destroyed our marriage so willingly, ignorantly, selfishly. The ex, was pretty hot. She could easily have held her own standing next to many porn stars. She was also the prettiest of the wives of all or most of my friends wives and I imagine that our sex life was the hottest. She was tall and lean, blond with blue gray eyes. But I wanted more... always more.
Then Internet porn and online BBS's (the technology people used to communicate before texting and Facebook and MySpace and, and,...) came along and I was hooked on the next picture I could down load and the next "hot-chat" (what it was called before it was called cyber-sex) I could strike up.
I had a great job. She had a great job. We had a lovely daughter. We had great, fun friends. We were living in one of the greatest places on earth, proximate to San Francisco the epicenter of the wild and crazy sex world... and I pissed it all away.
Looking back this is what it must be like to have pissed away a fabulous life/future to coke or any other addiction. I always wondered... didn't they see this coming at them like a fucking freight train? I guess not. I/we escaped the coke addiction but I couldn't/didn't/wouldn't see the sex/porn addiction thing coming at me with all the horns blaring and smoke billowing wheels rumbling. I just kept buying the next best video card and the next fastest modem... 2400, 4800,9600,14400, I was on the bleeding edge here too... I was the first person I know that had an ISDN line in my home. I had one before most internet providers even knew what ISDN was. So for a couple years I was pretty brutally hooked on the cybersex and internet porn. After the ex left I hurt several other lovely women in a similar fashion.
I struggle with the internet porn thing still not to nearly the same degree but when I am angry or frustrated or depressed that is my 'drug' of choice. Now I am able to feel that urge rising and am able to get away from a computer in time, mostly, to avoid it. It really only makes me feel worse about my self and currently I do NOT need any help in that regard I feel plenty shitty all by my self.
For a while I was communicating with a lovely woman here online, she was/is a good friend with honesty and integrity. She pointed out some things that I was still blind to regarding my stuff. I thank her for her honesty.
Recently I have seen many shows on TV regarding internet porn addiction and cybersex addiction and it seems that the medical community is beginning to acknowledge the issue. I hope that some working protocols are developed to help shit heads like me to not be so shitty to their wives and loved ones. I guess that is the cost of being on the bleeding edge of a new sexual frontier. I imagine that when "The Pill" first got here there were plenty of women that got hurt by being on the bleeding edge of being sexually available with out barriers and responsibility of possible children and or abortions.

So in summery... the breakup of my marriage was due to me being a selfish asshole.

I see and read so much about others getting caught in that net of internet porn and it makes me sad and afraid for others. It seems that women are the fastest growing segment of population accessing porn on the internet. This sort of reminds me of the days when women "finally" got their own cigarettes... Yippy for them, now they can die just as horribly from heart disease and cancer as men. Now that is real equality. So now they can be just as addicted to porn as men. I wonder that they aren't as ready for this sort of thing. Men have been wallowing in porn stuff for ever, women not so much... at least I don't think so. But like alcohol some people are able to have just a drink and others can not stop at just a drink.

the word…

2010-04-11T10:25:00.001-07:00

Watch your thoughts; they become your words.

Watch your words; they become your actions.

Watch your actions; they become your habits.

Watch your habits; they become your character.

Watch your character; that will become your destiny.

Rosemary’s baby…

2010-04-11T10:23:00.001-07:00

I hope that any one reading this recalls that Rosemary had a baby and there was a movie about that event.

So some years ago there was a country song out by Jessica Andrews titled "Who I am". The Chorus goes like this...

I am Rosemary's granddaughter.

The spitting image of my father.

And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan.

Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy.

But I've got friends that love me.

And they know just where I stand.

It's all a part of me.

And that's who I am.

I was listening to this back when it was out and the first two lines really strike me every time I hear them.

So if this woman is Rosemary's granddaughter then she must be the daughter of Rosemary's baby. As I recall Rosemary's baby was possessed of cloven hooves and in all likelihood had horns… as in Satan. That leaves me with this; this is the daughter of Satan. The next line states that she is the spitting image of her father. Now depending on whom you talk to and the situation surrounding your encounter with Satan he, assuming a gender, is either a horribly ugly thing or an impossibly beautiful/handsome being. As I recall that is what got to Satan/Lucifer his pride and his narcissistic tendencies oh and pride. So Whoever Rosemary's granddaughter is could be either ridiculously ugly or painfully beautiful. The next two lines sort of clinch it for me though her momma is her biggest fan… is that another way of saying a face that only a mother could love? And the clueless and clumsy line; Cloven hooves could do that for you. Can you imagine playing High school girls basket ball with cloven hooves for feet? I imagine that she would have to disguise her feet and in all likelihood shave her legs and arms daily and would likely be sporting some ridiculously long and thick sideburns.

wow

2010-04-09T19:01:00.001-07:00

occasionally I get really great email

Guilt…

2010-04-09T10:28:00.001-07:00

I feel like a little of Jewish man… I harbor so much guilt. I feel like I could power a small city with the energy wasted on it… assuming you could somehow harness that energy.

There is so much guilt around these days.

The ever present for white guys… Privileged White Male Guilt.

Under that is the there is Black and Brown guilt.

The very popular Green guilt.

Under that we have the Recycling guilt. What is recyclable and what is not… It's so darn confusing and too much effort guilt

Electricity guilt. Did I turn off the lights soon enough am I keeping the phone chargers on a power strip and the strip turned off?

Use of oil guilt. I drive a 40 + year old car and it does not get great mileage and is not so very clean burning I am sure… but you will have to kill me to take it from me.

The not driving a Prius guilt.

Green house gas emissions guilt.

The Fur guilt. I don't own one but I like the fur just the same.

Meat guilt. I eat meat Chicken Steak, loves me the Rib Eye, fish.

Employment guilt… not having a real job guilt… not supporting your household like a "man" guilt

Sex guilt. Where do I start with this…

I like the Bigger boobs guilt.

I like looking at naked women guilt

I like the shapely posterior… nice ass (see even have to P.C. that up at first.)

I like the words that surround sex guilt… Pussy, cock, fuck, ass…

I like the kinky sex guilt. This is a very LONG list…

I like the porn guilt

The asking for sex guilt. She is a very busy woman.

The after mess guilt. Read; wetspot guilt

Was it good for you guilt? Do I have to ask… should I ask… crap I asked what a goof…

And the big one… Parental guilt

Was I firm enough guilt?

Was I lenient enough?

Did I get the things that she needed guilt?

Was I there enough for support?

was I detached enough to allow personal growth?

Did I teach good things by example or by counter example?

This list keeps on growing…

The ex…1

2010-04-09T10:04:00.001-07:00

The ex… the telling of this is going to be a long and painful and no doubt rambling and winding and often back tracking story of pain and addiction and debauchery on both sides. In the nick of case no one read the fine print at the head of this blog… the part about my being as emotionally stable as a bag of rats in a flaming meth lab… this is where you will come to understand and believe that. Get your barf bags ready. I will break this up over many pieces for readability and to allow me to recall and to write in an unbiased , as much as is possible, way.

This will also give me a way of sorting this out for real in my own head so that I am not beating myself up for imagined stuff and accepting the responsibility for those things that I am guilty of.

Preface; the first. We were high school sweet hearts. She was the school slut and I was the oldest virgin on campus… I am still sure of it. I was messed up about sex even back then. She was Long and lean and easy on the eyes. But she had issues with boys. From her perspective, if she didn't have sex with boys then they wouldn't like her or so she thought. She was smart and a good person. She was, however, abused at some young age by one or more of her mother's boy friends. So she had/s issues. I had issues of Nerdism and suffered from acute Ganglitude compounded by a chronic case of Hormoneitis. (I was 6'3' and way skinny with no self esteem stemming in no small part because I was not the son my father dreamed of having. I didn't want to get up before God and go "Slay the fish," or drink coffee or smoke cigarettes while sitting silently, so as not to scare the afore mentioned illusive and possibly/probably, none-existent, in my thinking because we almost never caught any, because I couldn't sit still enough while freezing or not drinking coffee or, or, or… imaginary fish, in a boat on a lake freezing my ass off when I could be warm and cozy in bed, or watching cartoons or building stuff with my huge cache of Lego's. I could go on but I think that paints the picture well enough for the time being. We were a match made in… where ever they make very volatile, poisonous, toxic, slow acting, neurotoxin time bombs.

It is my sincere belief that she subscribed to the school of thinking that once you had a Boyfriend/fiancé/husband sex stopped. I, on the other hand, was of the school that once "that" door/box, thank you Pandora, is opened you take the hinges off and burn the doors… does the phrase unhinged say anything, I think that paints the picture well enough. I was a late bloomer and I meant to make up for, imagined, lost time… and I have an IMAGINATION!

The ex…0

2010-04-08T21:29:00.001-07:00

I was reading this blog post and this one and the commentary left really brought it in to stark relief that I need to write about my ex and my stuff surround that in order to be true and forthcoming. It will paint me in a very unfavorable light I promise. I promise to not sugar coat my stuff. I am trying to be a better person. I read this post where the writer says they are not striving for perfection but to be a excellent example of a human being… crud I would be happy with even a counter-example of a human being… right now I feel like some… well nothing human I assure you.